Protecting the Parents

[SandieM]

Just saw the final programme of this 3 part BBC documentary. Sorry I missed the other two.
What a well made and insightful documentary. It seems to have been overshadowed by the publicity surrounding Panorama.
This was a very sensitive and non-judgemental observation of the issues surrounding supporting the elderly, including those with dementia, and addressing the needs of their carers.
This is such a huge issue. How can we help to put this higher on the national agenda I wonder ?

 

[Not so Rosy]

Just saw the final programme of this 3 part BBC documentary. Sorry I missed the other two.
What a well made and insightful documentary. It seems to have been overshadowed by the publicity surrounding Panorama.
This was a very sensitive and non-judgemental observation of the issues surrounding supporting the elderly, including those with dementia, and addressing the needs of their carers.
This is such a huge issue. How can we help to put this higher on the national agenda I wonder ?

I so agree. Although overall it was sad, in an odd way I actually enjoyed it.

 

[Chemmy]

I agree. An excellent series, which went some way to explaining the dilemmas so often seen here on the forum around the whole mental capacity bit.

If the person is deemed to have capacity, then they are allowed to make their own decision, even if others do not agree. I can sort of see the logic in that, but it's when they're in the 'no mans land' of 'do they, don't they?' that the main problems seem to arise.

As for the phrase, 'An Englishman's home is his prison' which I read on here a couple of weeks ago....well, that would have made a good title for the series.

I would really recommend anyone to watch it on i-player if they can.

 

[Witzend]

Yes, an excellent series, if very sad and bleak at times. It did show at least some of the realities of dementia. Last night I really felt for the sister of the lady who eventually moved into extra care housing - dissolving into tears and saying she couldn't go through this any more.

Evidently there is a huge problem of people taking up hospital beds they don't need, because of the lack of places for them to go.

No wonder various politicians with barely a clue between them keep pontificating about the desirability of keeping people in their own homes, and how awful it is that we callous Brits put our elderly in care homes at all.
Just a bit forgetful - how hard can that be?
That is so often the perception, IMO.

 

[Dunkery]

Advice on responding to residents with differing needs in a care home

I too found the series "Protecting our parents" very moving and thought-provoking. It is so sad when people have to stay for long periods of time in hospital, which do not cater for the needs of patients with dementia. The Panorama programme was truly shocking and made me feel so grateful that my mother is in a lovely home where the staff are so caring, knowledgeable and professional. They look after residents with varying degrees of dementia, and some with quite challenging needs. I often wonder what I should do or say that will help these residents when they are upset. Does anyone know of any information that is available to read on useful strategies and techniques to reassure and calm such folk when they are upset?

 

[SandieM]

Well Dunkery if anyone out there can answer your question about guidance for dealing with the elderly mentally infirm when they are upset I would be very keen to know. My mother is frequently tearful and says she wants to die.
Like Witzend I really felt for the sister in the programme. Clearly feeling the pressure of being the only source of family support, and no doubt beating herself up with guilt for trying to protect her own life a little. I really identified with her position.

 

[Witzend]

Well Dunkery if anyone out there can answer your question about guidance for dealing with the elderly mentally infirm when they are upset I would be very keen to know. My mother is frequently tearful and says she wants to die.
Like Witzend I really felt for the sister in the programme. Clearly feeling the pressure of being the only source of family support, and no doubt beating herself up with guilt for trying to protect her own life a little. I really identified with her position.

Maybe it's me reading too much into it, but at one point the hospital social worker said that what the lady really wanted was to go and live with her sister - but as I recall, 'that isn't going to happen' or words to that effect. I thought she was maybe implying that the sister ought to take her and I don't recall any mention of the sister evidently being at the end of her tether already.
Of course it would have been very convenient all round and especially cost-wise if the sister HAD taken her.

 

[Chemmy]

My SIL has watched the three programmes in the series and it has helped convince her that sending MIL back 'home alone' albeit with a care package would be a far worse option than seeing how she gets on, with companionship, in a care home.

 

[Bythspirit]

I managed to catch 3rd part of protecting the parents, I felt so sad for the 75yr old Sister of the elderly lady - the whole thing was obviously making her life a misery. I'll probably be contentious when I say that sometimes I feel that too much is geared to the person with dementia, and not the family carer(s) who everyone depends on. It was good this program did show the eventual settling down into a care home for all those taking part. My Mum has just passed away (90yrs old), in the good CH she went into 3 years ago, after miserable years of falls, hospitals, care packages, etc.. I'm now caring for my husband who has early dementia, and I've decided that if he stops knowing me, and/or becomes unmanageable, I will make the decision, like the lady in the program, to put him into a CH - we've been married 46yrs at moment, so it's a hard thing to face, but I think I might be ready for some peace myself by that time... that sound so bad, but I can't really verbalise to anyone, so putting it out there helps. Love and Light to all Carers

 

[Chemmy]

I admire your honesty, Bythspirit. It's all about balance, isn't it, and I think you're right - the carers' needs are just as important as the person with dementia and this is sometimes overlooked. I would never want my husband or children to be put through the wringer like this.

We are going through the CH option with my MIL at the moment. After her first fall, I encouraged my OH and his two sisters to sit together in the hospital and be honest about how they envisaged the future. It was a very difficult meeting... Tears, guilt, upset, but after a day or too, when things had calmed down and they'd had time to reflect, they're in a much better place. Neither of the 'invisibles' really understood that one SIL had come to the end of her tether and didn't want to be a carer any more. It was probably the hardest admission she'd ever made and the other sister didn't take it very well at first, but it needed to be said. And as I say, they're all now agreed the the CH option is the right one for both MIL and for them too.

 

[Dunkery]

Well Dunkery if anyone out there can answer your question about guidance for dealing with the elderly mentally infirm when they are upset I would be very keen to know. My mother is frequently tearful and says she wants to die.
Like Witzend I really felt for the sister in the programme. Clearly feeling the pressure of being the only source of family support, and no doubt beating herself up with guilt for trying to protect her own life a little. I really identified with her position.

so did I SandieM! I am the only source of family support for my own mum and agreeing to her staying in a home was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but I know it was the right one for her. However, she says the same things as your mother and also says "I want to come home" and it breaks my heart but I know that her needs are being met now by the staff in a way that would be impossible for me. I do visit as often as I can and the staff involve me as much as possible. Thank you.

 

[listenfirst]

I think bythespirit sums it up well. Whilst I love my mum and her care , at my home is there for her, I realise all other aspects if my life are changing...probably not for the better. So a huge sacrifice for my lovely mum, but she can't really tell the difference between me and the carer that comes in.

Sent from my HTC Desire C using Talking Point mobile app

 

[syc443]

So, so, difficult making the decision to place Mum in a Care Home but, with hindsight, was the best decision I made.

Having a small child as well as Mum (and dementia) living with us was a juggling act I really would never like to repeat.

Now Mum is with like minded people who have a routine and companionship which we were totally unable to give her at home. They have activities which pass the time and stretch their minds and bodies a little which she finds enjoyable. I really believe that Mum would not be with us now if she had stayed at home as she was getting really unsettled with the lack of routine and '5 year olds' TV programs.

This said, I still feel guilty about making that decision after promising that she would never live in a CH but the quality of care she has and the quality of the time we have together now is so much better as she enjoys the visits and we don't have to 'watch the clock' all the time we are out to get back to relieve carers/family.

I guess the guilt will always be with me but I know that I made the right decision and that helps.

 

[PaddyJim]

security men

I thought the programme was very insightful although one aspect I found particularly uncomfortable about was the treatment of the elderly lady with dementia who acted aggressively on the ward and the ward staff called hospital security. I think the sight of two large men in protective vests with security on the back did not demonstrate an understanding of this ladies condition. Surely a hospital of their size most have staff who are trained to deal with aggressive behaviour from patients. The men called have no medical training and clearly from their reaction very limited experience of dementia.
Their behaviour did very little to reassure or settle the distressed lady.

 

[Katrine]

Secur

1

 

[Katrine]

I didn't read the situation that way. This patient would seem to have had these aggressive episodes every day for weeks. The nurses were quite tolerant of her messing with papers, opening cupboards, damaging supplies, and sometimes being pinched, kicked and sworn at by her when she had to be prevented from causing more damage or going into the supplies store. I saw them keeping her as calm as they could by letting a lot of this minor aggression and disruptiveness slide, but they recognised the signs when it was escalating and called security to contain her.

I thought they did this appropriately. Evelyn knew that the nurses weren't going to physically restrain her (not their job) but she seemed to accept that the game was over when security arrived. We don't know how often that scene was repeated but I suspect it was several times a week. How hard it must be to care for the medical needs of all your patients while having this poor woman to manage as well. Staff shouldn't have to accept aggression from patients as being normal, but it would appear that, sadly, this is normal.

Please don't think me disrespectful of Evelyn herself if I say that she appeared to enjoy being spiteful and disruptive in that she got some satisfaction from getting negative attention. She had a calculating look on her face like a bully in a nursery class. I felt so sad for her. She was in a totally unsuitable environment and her bad behaviour was the only thing she could do to express how she felt. She was powerless, because of her illness, to change her situation so she protested and tried to get away. It was good to see her later in the programme, when she had settled in a CH, sitting sociably with other residents and smiling. A real smile, not that feral sneer from her hospital days.