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Promise you won’t put me in a care home.

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
231
0
I have read a few posts on here where PWD’s have asked their family/loved ones to promise not to put them in a care home. And then they feel so guilty if they have to break that promise.
Shortly after diagnosis my hubby asked me the same thing. It nearly broke my heart, but the promise I made was to look after him as long as I was physically and mentally able. He accepted this and has even talked about how a care home might be necessary in some dim and distant future.
Hopefully this might be of some use to others.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,833
0
South coast
Mum did the same to me. She begged me, pitifully and with many tears, not to put her in a home, but I already knew that I would not be able to look after her and the time for a care home was rapidly approaching. I promised that I would do everything I possibly could to do what was the very best for her.

When she had to move into a care home there was a mixture of sadness and relief. She settled and thrived there, She made friends, joined in the activities, put a bit of weight back on and her old personality (though not her memory) returned so I became her daughter again. There were the usual up and downs, but I have happy memories of the time she lived in her care home. Near the end mum said to me "they all love me in here" and she was right, they did

I felt I had kept my promise.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,561
0
Southampton
i said that i will look after my husband as long as i can keep him safe and/or others safe. if he gets unsafe to be at home then i have no other option. ive never promised that he would never go into a home but that i would do my best to judge what is best for him and me at that time.
 

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
231
0
@canary, your post has just confirmed that I was right to choose my words so carefully when hubby was diagnosed three years ago. Hopefully he will never need a care home but if he does I will not have gone back on my word.
It must have been such a relief when your mum settled so well.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,833
0
South coast
Yes @SeaSwallow , it was a huge relief, but things had got so bad before she moved there that TBH, even if she hadnt settled well, it would have been a relief that she was safe and looked after. Though I must say that her being happy there was complete vindication and the cherry on the top
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
807
0
Mid Lincs
I made the same promise, as long I was physically able to care for him I would. He accepted that and we were fortunate that he did stay at home until the end.
 

Deedee1137

Registered User
May 4, 2022
20
0
And I the same I promised my mum when she was dying that I would look after my step dad as long as I could and when I finally had to make the decision earlier this year I knew I hadn’t broke my promise to either of them. He‘s now settled in a CH very close to me and I still feel I’m there for him when he needs me but in a more loving way and once again I’m his daughter not his carer.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
2,427
0
Newcastle
My wife was very much against the idea of a care home and the thought that people would conspire to 'put her in a home'. Yet by the time she was ready for it, admission to a care home was the only way to meet her needs. If she was her old self she would agree that this was the hardest and best decision I have ever made. But if she could still be that rational she wouldn't need to be in a home ...
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
I have read a few posts on here where PWD’s have asked their family/loved ones to promise not to put them in a care home. And then they feel so guilty if they have to break that promise.
Shortly after diagnosis my hubby asked me the same thing. It nearly broke my heart, but the promise I made was to look after him as long as I was physically and mentally able. He accepted this and has even talked about how a care home might be necessary in some dim and distant future.
Hopefully this might be of some use to others.
Hi @SeaSwallow .....always a difficult subject for all concerned but I remember clearly like it was yesterday that on the day my husband was diagnosed 10th October 2021 we travelled home from G.P in silence......As we entered our garden my husband said " is this where you tell me I'm going into a care home cos I'm not going to so I'll live in the forest where nobody can find me "
l looked at him and said"this is your home and it will always be your home and you'll stay here while I can look after you both physically and mentally" I thought my husband understood what we were talking about even though he was in complete denial about the Dementia and still is 9 months on.....until we were met by our daughter at the door and hubby calmly announced that "mum has Dementia"......
 

sunshine chrissy

Registered User
Apr 1, 2022
14
0
Cheshire
I have read a few posts on here where PWD’s have asked their family/loved ones to promise not to put them in a care home. And then they feel so guilty if they have to break that promise.
Shortly after diagnosis my hubby asked me the same thing. It nearly broke my heart, but the promise I made was to look after him as long as I was physically and mentally able. He accepted this and has even talked about how a care home might be necessary in some dim and distant future.
Hopefully this might be of some use to others
Hi @SeaSwallow .....always a difficult subject for all concerned but I remember clearly like it was yesterday that on the day my husband was diagnosed 10th October 2021 we travelled home from G.P in silence......As we entered our garden my husband said " is this where you tell me I'm going into a care home cos I'm not going to so I'll live in the forest where nobody can find me "
l looked at him and said"this is your home and it will always be your home and you'll stay here while I can look after you both physically and mentally" I thought my husband understood what we were talking about even though he was in complete denial about the Dementia and still is 9 months on.....until we were met by our daughter at the door and hubby calmly announced that "mum has Dementia"......
Hi,we're still waiting for diagnosis,OH has an appt for a SPECT scan next week,refusing to have it,adamant there's nothing wrong with him😩He's had the memory tests,MRI scans,consultant appointments,medication.So lucky though to have support from our family,we all know what's going on even though he's in denial.He's only 60🥲He keeps telling people he's worried about me cos I'm really ill,he's going to phone doctors and sort it for me! Im just so grateful I'm in good health for now!
 

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
231
0
@sunshine chrissy Welcome to Talking Point. It must be so difficult for you both, 60 is young to be diagnosed.
If you have any specific questions it might be a good idea to start a new thread for that question.
As for the denial, that is so common, as is the PWD (person with dementia) saying that the problem lies with the partner or other carer.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
12,448
0
Yorkshire
Hi @sunshine chrissy
Might you try reverse psychology and say to your OH that he may be right and it's a bit of a nuisance but he could go have the scan to prove that to the doctors .... and should he need to see doctors, use that he thinks you are I'll and need to see them, to say any appointment is for you and you need him to come in for moral support, add that it's weird how they seem to ask both of you the questions, maybe they're trying to make YOU feel less stressed which is kind of them
 

linlyn68

New member
Jul 4, 2022
1
0
I have read a few posts on here where PWD’s have asked their family/loved ones to promise not to put them in a care home. And then they feel so guilty if they have to break that promise.
Shortly after diagnosis my hubby asked me the same thing. It nearly broke my heart, but the promise I made was to look after him as long as I was physically and mentally able. He accepted this and has even talked about how a care home might be necessary in some dim and distant future.
Hopefully this might be of some use to others.
That was a very good way to answer that question..I made the promise..
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Hi,we're still waiting for diagnosis,OH has an appt for a SPECT scan next week,refusing to have it,adamant there's nothing wrong with him😩He's had the memory tests,MRI scans,consultant appointments,medication.So lucky though to have support from our family,we all know what's going on even though he's in denial.He's only 60🥲He keeps telling people he's worried about me cos I'm really ill,he's going to phone doctors and sort it for me! Im just so grateful I'm in good health for now!
H sunshine Chrissy.....My OH had memory tests and diagnosis was made on this information but there's defiantly no doubt that they were right no matter what hubby says, we had ct scan 3 weeks ago and have results app on Monday with early onset consultant as hubby only 64 so like your hubby very young. ....hubby has definitely deteriorated since having covid 6 weeks ago and we are receiving no support and just being passed from pillar to post sadly and with the greatest respect to hubby cos I love him but needs to be nick named houdini !! As he's always escaping....
Keep your chin up cos what's the alternative eh
 

Dawnee

Registered User
May 25, 2022
34
0
Sadly, the greatest support I’ve ever received has been from this Forum and all its lovely members.
Hi@Knit and purl. ...I second that sentiment knit and purl but it's because we're all in the same position with the demon Dementia , hope nobody is offended by my terminology