Progress with mum

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Some of you may have read that I was advised not to tell mum about the care home, not to involve her in the choice of home, to pretend it was temporary.

I mulled it over, and decided it was not right. Despite AZ and mum's particular problems I felt she shouldn't be kept in hope of going home. I might be wrong, but after the staff at the hospital witnessed an unexpected burst of anger from mum about wanting to go home, they started to agree with me.

A lovely nurse "drip fed" the idea to mum over the last two days and yesterday when I visited she calmly announced that they had told her she wouldn't be safe at home, asked me if I would look for a home for her, and to put her house on the market! She apparently told the nurse that she would do whatever I advised her to do, as I was such a good daughter! (Not heard that one before!).

I don't know how mum is feeling inside, she has never been an emotional or demonstrative person, I did get the impression she felt a bit sad but accepting. I think I'll ask the staff to get her talking a bit about her feelings. I've already looked at homes, found two I like (and some I didn't), neither are perfect (I don't think there is such a thing), but mum won't notice the things that are not so.

She will be self-funded, but I've worked out very roughly that (depending on increases in fees and interest rates), her finances should last about 10-12 years, and any longer is too far to fret about. She'll be 92 then, her needs may have changed, the law may have changed or she might have died. If not, we'll cross that bridge then.

I told her about the two homes, she wasn't particularly interested, though as time went on little questions kept coming - is there a tv, are there nurses. I described the rooms to her, one has a little "flat" - lounge, bedroom, ensuite bathroom - but she didn't seem particularly enthused by that, seemed more interested in the one with just a nice big room. I asked if she wanted to come and look at them, and at first she said "yes", but then said, oh I'm sure you'll choose the best you can". I can't decided whether this is her "switching off" or whether she genuinely trusts me - and I think its the latter. Hoping so. Mum has never been great at being "bothered" to do things, always taken the easiest route. Even at home with things like decorating, if my dad thought the living room needed decorating, mum would have preferred not to have bothered, left dad to choose the wallpaper, carpet etc. She'd have looked at his choices but not really quibbled about them. Fortunately he had reasonable taste for a man! (Oops, shouldn't make sexist remarks on a public forum, sorry lads!).

Of course, its not what she wanted, she wanted to go home. You may know I thought of giving it a whirl with a night sitter, but as Margarita said it could cause more stress for me and her if it didn't work (which it wouldn't) and having to move her again.

I think now the seed is sown, I should try and be more positive about it all to her. I've got some pictures of the two homes - she was quite pleased that they were both close to the Pavilion Gardens in Buxton, I told her we could take her out for a walk there, and staff would do the same (if it STOPS RAINING!!). In fact, she kept asking me "And are they both near the Pavilion Gardens?". They are not gardens she knows well, but she likes gardens, is quite happy to stroll and sit and watch the ducks.

I'll try to sell a plus point to her every time I visit her. My favoured home does trips out every fortnight (which is more than most), even if its just to the cafe at Morrisons for a coffee. But some trips have been more adventurous. I'll also sell to her that she can have a glass of sherry at night!

The location of both homes means I can call in 2-3 times a week easily, at different times so it is not always the same for her (or me!).

I'm hoping she asks a few more questions when I next visit, it will reassure me that she is at least interested in where she is going to be. She didn't seem to worry that it was not her "home" town, but there were no places at her local home and won't be for at least 6 months as it is being completely refurbished.

The next thing is "will she settle" there? Again, she didn't seem bothered that she could bring her own items of furniture from home. That might change.

I feel so relieved that she has "accepted" this decision. Pity it wasn't hers, but that is AZ for you. She does seem to realise that everyone is trying to do their best for her. She'll perk up when her eldest grand-daughter appears by magic on Saturday - I am fortunate in my two daughters, one (24) lives too far away to visit often and is creased with guilt. She set off last Friday night from Bristol to visit, and 10 hours later, having done just 70 miles, arrived back in Bristol, all cos of the floods. But the elder one (27) lives about 35-40 miles away, and is sooo caring.

I am blessed.

I hope you all are too, with someone in your family, or even a friend (one of mine turned up with a bunch of flowers for me last week - little things mean a lot).

Love to all


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hi Margaret,

What a relief it must have been for you, that your mother accepts she needs care. What a wonderful nurse, to have the sensitivity to help break the news.

I hope you will be able to find somewhere good.

Love xx


Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Hi Margaret
This news must be very pleasing for you. Acceptance is a great outcome. Goodluck, in your search for a suitable home. Hopefully mum remains positive, it is good that reasoning can still be used it makes things so much easier. Fingers crossed that it's all smooth sailing. Taffy.


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
I am blessed.

I hope you all are too, with someone in your family, or even a friend
These words are lovely things to say.

I am so pleased things are going well for you and your Mum. Its lovely to hear about a caring nurse who has obviously approached your Mum correctly and kindly - thus helping you.

I have sent PM to you re NH Yes I feel blessed with some family and friends and it must be very hard for those who do not get all the support they need. It is the daily contact with people who care about me that help me to keep going.

Take care Best wishes Jan


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
A lovely nurse "drip fed" the idea to mum over the last two days and yesterday when I visited she calmly announced that they had told her she wouldn't be safe at home,
Now how , lucky you are to have a nurse like that , she surely sounds like a blessing, that the main issue with caring is getting the right positive support .

I would go with a home nearer you at lest then you can pop in to visit your mother when you can , try to go with the flow and not think to deep in how your mother really feeling or it get to emotional heartbreaking , well that happen to me when mum was in emergency respite last year & she said that she would stay for good , because I had to care for my brother , but I new deep down she did not want to stay . so could not do it because I thought I was a superwoman :rolleyes: Oh will I live to learn .

best wishes in finding the right home .

( Yes I to have been counting my blessing lately )
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Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Margaret

That has turned out so well for you. I'm so pleased. You are indeed blessed, so many of our members have such difficulty persuading their loved ones that more care is needed.

I'm not at that stage yet with John, but I'm absolutely dreading it.

I hope the sun continues to shine on you and your mum.


Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Mum's Acceptance

Thanks to all who supported me, but to the many who are still facing this situation of getting mum or dad (or other relative) to accepte the inevitable, I would now say be strong, be calm, trust your judgement, go with what you think is right. Course, I might not have been so "clever" a week ago, I might have done it all wrong, it was pot luck that I got it right (no proof yet!). Hope everyone else's "pot luck" works out as well. Remember you can only do your best.

Love to all

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
Margaret W said:
I mulled it over, and decided it was not right.
Well done, Margaret ..... When it comes to medical advice I wouldn't dare challenge ... but when it comes to knowing emotionally what is best for mum .... I always remind myself I am the one living person who has been closest to her for longest and therefore am in the best position to judge her needs ..... taking on board all the good and at times conflicting advice about all sorts of situations ... and even if my judgement is horribly wrong .... well, as you say, I'll have done my best ....

I wouldn't berate yourself for a 'pot luck' decision - sounds a very considered judgement and thoughtful appraoch to me... and so am really pleased it seems to be working out

Takes guts!!!!! Bravo!!!!

Love, Karen, x