Problems with dad with VD/control/violence

[hampshiregirl]

Hi. Dad finally diagnosed with VD. Cognitive probs, so ability to say a sentence greatly impaired.

Concern is control over mum. She can't/won't go anywhere without him. Has been offered 'sitting service' but refused as he doesn't want anyone in the house and isn't "mad". He has told her he doesn't want to be separated from her as he'll die if she goes somewhere without him.

He has history of violence. Hospital have asked mum if any abuse - she denies.

She has told hospital she is worried about him driving. DVLA informed and insurance - only caveat is he must not drive alone now. She is 'letting ' him drive hundreds of miles this weekend.

She is clearly scared of saying no to him on anything. As she is refusing help, they are not on anyone's radar and apparently dad says he will not let anyone in. Have explained the police may be called if social care cannot gain access and then they would force entry (with my full backing).

Mum will not talk to me honestly about it and says she can never talk as he's always there. I suggested she writes but I think it's more of a case she doesn't want to admit what's happening as she knows I will challenge. Had to cancel internet because he was using it inappropriately.

Any suggestions/advice/tips greatly appreciated. I have no idea how to handle this and/or keep her safe. Thank you

 

[Grannie G]

Hello hampshiregirl

If the DVLA and Insurance accept your dad`s driving, I`m afraid there is little you can do in that area.

And as long as your mum allows him control you can do little there either.

If you have frequent access, you could keep Diary of events which cause you concern.

You can also assure your mother you will be there for her if she decides she needs help.

Talking of help, perhaps you could phone the AS Helpline. There may be some way you can access help for your mother which I`m unaware of.

I had similar problems with my husband about having people in the house. He was not controlling, he was paranoid and frightened people would get a bad impression of him .

We went for a long time managing by ourselves until he was ready to accept help for me, on the pretext of having cleaners in. This worked well because the cleaners were agency carers.

I hope your mum finds a way to accept help eventually.

 

[Tatiana]

Horrible situation. And you must feel so helpless.

Sounds familiar to me, as Inlaws relationship has been a controlling/abusive one for more years than I care to mention. FiL is a bully and MiL is so used to being controlled she would just submit for a quiet life. Then Dementia came in the door and we had a whole new toxic cocktail to wade through.

Suggestions; get in touch with their GP. Ring and ask for a convenient time to talk about your concerns. Obviously the GP won't discuss any medical history, without your parents written permission, but we were pleased and surprised how much my inlaws GP was supportive and helpful whenever we rang. I would contact social services also and say how worried you are. My MiL was deemed a 'vulnerable adult' due to her dementia, so FiL abusing her was taken very seriously.

Get your Mum a cheap pay as you go mobile - programme in a few vital numbers like the local police station direct number and, say, your own mobile number, so if she's worried she can discreetly contact you by pressing a couple of buttons without saying a word -you'll see 'Mum Mobile' on your display.

FiL deliberately kept family at arms length, ignored their phonecalls and letters, and refused all outside care. He turned carers and social workers away on the doorstep. As their GP warned us, sometimes it takes a crisis to force an end to a situation. Which is exactly what happened with us. But it has worked out for the best in the end, for both of them. I hope that circumstances lead to a change for your parents and that your Mum stays safe. But she has you watching out for her and so many abuse victims have no-one.