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Prison Guard

Mibs

Registered User
May 26, 2014
73
Derbyshire
My husband has reached the stage where he is not safe outside unless accompanied, and I've solved this problem by locking the doors and keeping the keys with me - I've become his guard.
For me, the various debilitating effects of Alzheimer's on my husband are as nothing compared to his knowing that I have locked him up, and made him a prisoner in his own home.
It is the most devastating thing I have ever done, and I am not comforted in any way by the perceived idea that I am keeping him safe, and it is for his own good.
It is my personal 'line in the sand'
 

balloo

Registered User
Sep 21, 2013
227
northamptonshire
My husband has reached the stage where he is not safe outside unless accompanied, and I've solved this problem by locking the doors and keeping the keys with me - I've become his guard.
For me, the various debilitating effects of Alzheimer's on my husband are as nothing compared to his knowing that I have locked him up, and made him a prisoner in his own home.
It is the most devastating thing I have ever done, and I am not comforted in any way by the perceived idea that I am keeping him safe, and it is for his own good.
It is my personal 'line in the sand'
hi sorry to hear that. I care for my MIl who has vascular dementia she lives with us . I was told I cannot lock her in the house if I have to pop out incase their is a fire but I am sad to say I have to do this incase she comes looking for me as she does round the house.also if we go out in the car and I need to put petrol in car I have to lock her in car while I am paying.i feel she is safer locked in than wondering around as she would not even find the local shop .
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Personal lines in the sand are so hard when they happen xx.

I found I moved my line a small way ahead, because my guilt monster told me to :rolleyes: but my gut feelings told me it my line had been reached. I listened to my gut feelings with sadness but knew, deep down inside, it was the right thing to do

Hugs xxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,070
Scotland
I have posted before about my husbands wandering which resulted in many reports and funding was found for a care home. I just couldn't accept the ones I was seeing and there was no vacancy in the one I liked. I too have been a prison warder to keep him safe but today he was just impossible so as I type he is wandering. I know he cannot find his way home and am watching his progress on a tracker linked to my iPad.

He has a very damaged knee and it is astonishing to see how far he has gone. There is no point in bringing him back too soon as he will be off again so I have to let him get this out of his system. Meanwhile I cannot do anything or go anywhere as I need to be on hand to collect him. What a mess!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,100
Kent
You have my understanding marion, for what it`s worth. My husband was just the same. He was free to go and I was the prisoner.
 

Mibs

Registered User
May 26, 2014
73
Derbyshire
That's interesting Marion. We made an attempt at a local care home for respite a few weeks ago - he escaped 10 minutes after I left him! I'm always amazed by his turn of speed and there's no way I can keep up with him. The tracker sounds good - have you sewn it into his clothing?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,070
Scotland
The story developed. By the time I went to pick him up he got on a bus and had vanished. My daughter is down in Dumfriess just now and she and I liased with the police and gave them details of where he was. They picked him up straight away and said the tracker was spot on accurate.

I got it off the internet a GPS Tracker just under £200. He wears it on a lanyard under his clothes. He also has a mobile phone round his neck but when I finally got him to answer the location he gave me was nonsense so the tracker wins.

Good luck. I am heartily sick of the whole thing!
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
I have posted before about my husbands wandering which resulted in many reports and funding was found for a care home. I just couldn't accept the ones I was seeing and there was no vacancy in the one I liked. I too have been a prison warder to keep him safe but today he was just impossible so as I type he is wandering. I know he cannot find his way home and am watching his progress on a tracker linked to my iPad.

He has a very damaged knee and it is astonishing to see how far he has gone. There is no point in bringing him back too soon as he will be off again so I have to let him get this out of his system. Meanwhile I cannot do anything or go anywhere as I need to be on hand to collect him. What a mess!
I'm glad you can track him Marionq. When my husband had his hip operation (fracture repair), the following day, it was all they could to to keep him in bed. Seems like pain doesn't properly register. Shocking.

Much love and strength to you.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
It's all such a worry, isn't it. My late husband accused me many times of hiding things on purpose, to make him think he was mad, and keeping him by my side, like a dog on a lead. I was also told I was a terrible wife for not letting him drive, when, in his opinion, he was perfectly safe, or go out on his own, and for taking all the fun out of his life.

I wept buckets, but I knew that what I was doing was right for him. I could never have had an accident on my conscience, if I'd have let him drive, and he stopped answering the mobile phone I gave him when he went out, and wandered - so this was my decision. And I don't regret it.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,070
Scotland
Well Mibs and others there are obviously others on here who share our sorrows. Scarlett, John is not the least bit troubled about restrictions. He just ignores them and greets the police like taxi drivers! Within minutes of stepping out of the police car which dropped him off he has forgotten the whole thing. I have given him a pain killer for his knee as he walked for the best part of three hours before being found.

I may have to accept him going into a care home for both our sakes yet if he would just simmer down I could probably keep him at home in comfort.

No easy answers!
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,949
London
You do what you have to do. Care homes and day care centres specialised in dementia are also locked up places. The only difference is you don't have to worry about putting a DOLS in place at home!
Does he go to a day centre? It might distract him from trying to wander off too much and he can roam around a bit more in a bigger place. Most centres also have gardens he could use as safe outside space.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,070
Scotland
Beate he wandered from the day centre. First person ever to do so and they won't give him any more days because of that. More time would have helped greatly.
 

Mibs

Registered User
May 26, 2014
73
Derbyshire
Don't mention the driving - we still have his car parked outside the back door. Despite many well meaning suggestions to get rid of it, I'm wary - he can't string two words together but is sharp as a tack when looking for keys and can run a 4 minute mile ( slight exaggeration) to 'escape'. I dread to think what his reaction will be when the car disappears.
Thanks for the response folks - just felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders this morning - I guess we all feel like that.
Mx
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,949
London
Beate he wandered from the day centre. First person ever to do so and they won't give him any more days because of that. More time would have helped greatly.
How come? Wasn't it locked? OH's day centre is specialised on dementia and you can only open doors with key pads. The first one he was in didn't have their gates locked and he absconded once. They made a huge hooha of it, even though it was completely their fault for not securing the gate. Makes you despair. The current day centre is fazed by nothing. Is there another one he could go to?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,070
Scotland
It is a mixed group. Not all with dementia. They think someone went outside for a smoke and he slipped out. I told them to hide his hat and coat as he wouldn't go without them and that worked. However as yet they haven't relented in giving him more time.