Pressure from family member

[DennyD]

I am at a loss what to do with the pressure put on me and my husband by his brother. They did not have a close relationships and since the brother was told of the Alzheimer's he initially was supportive. However, it did not work out and my husband would go out with him because he felt he had to. The relationship broke down entirely with my husband deciding not to have contact with him any more. His feelings towards his brother escalated - I believe intensified by his Alzheimer's - to such an extent he would get angry, anxious and expressing violent thoughts toward him. The brother refuses to speak with me, but has over the years tried to maintain contact with my husband. My husband made me promise him never to let his brother near him again. Now someone has informed the brother of the emergency care intake. This afternoon I had a call from the ward saying the brother is asking for information. I consented they can tell him that all is well and he is stable. However, I do not want the brother to visit him - now not possible anyway. I may consider allowing a visit under supervision once he has moved to a permanent care home. I have LPA - do I have the right to refuse visits or at least request these are under supervision? I do not want to break my promise as I witnessed how upset my husband would get.

There is also the matter of his son. No relationship there for the last 4 years. I'm happy for him to see his father, but only him, also under supervision and not for this to be a way in for the brother.

Am I overthinking all this?

 

[karaokePete]

That's a difficult situation and only you will know the full family dynamics @DennyD

I can only judge it by my wife who will sometimes say she wants nothing more to do with family, or others, only to be happy when contact has been made because she doesn't remember her earlier decision, or the reason for making it.

Maybe you are causing yourself unnecessary personal stress by overthinking it. If it were me, and my wife, I would let a visit happen to see how it goes. You can always say you didn't know about the visit if it doesn't go well so that you seem to be keeping faith(a harmless love lie).

 

[DennyD]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you are probably right I'm overthinking it. Last 3/4 months have been tough and emotional, anything can set me off. I fear I've become bitter and angry and need time to readjust.

 

[karaokePete]

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you are probably right I'm overthinking it. Last 3/4 months have been tough and emotional, anything can set me off. I fear I've become bitter and angry and need time to readjust.

I am, unfortunately, all too familiar with all of those emotions - Dementia will do that.

I know how hard it is so would only say to try, as I do, to avoid torturing yourself. Dementia does a good enough job at that, without any help from us!

I wish you strength.

 

[canary]

Has the brother ever done anything which make you feel concerned if the brother visited?

Quite often a person with dementia will suddenly take against a family member for no apparent reason, or have delusions that the family member is in some way mistreating them. Very often this family member becomes upset, because it seems so unfair to them. Later on, though, these thoughts and reactions on the part of the person with dementia can disappear, they forget how they felt and may be delighted to see them again. Im afraid that it is not always a good idea to keep promises made to people with dementia, because that person changes.

I think you wont know how your husband will feel about meeting his brother until it happens. You could mention the background to your fears to the manager and Im sure they will be able to keep a discrete eye on the meeting. If it upsets your husband then I think you can say no to further meetings, but, actually it might surprise you.

 

[DennyD]

Has the brother ever done anything which make you feel concerned if the brother visited?

Quite often a person with dementia will suddenly take against a family member for no apparent reason, or have delusions that the family member is in some way mistreating them. Very often this family member becomes upset, because it seems so unfair to them. Later on, though, these thoughts and reactions on the part of the person with dementia can disappear, they forget how they felt and may be delighted to see them again. Im afraid that it is not always a good idea to keep promises made to people with dementia, because that person changes.

I think you wont know how your husband will feel about meeting his brother until it happens. You could mention the background to your fears to the manager and Im sure they will be able to keep a discrete eye on the meeting. If it upsets your husband then I think you can say no to further meetings, but, actually it might surprise you.

On a personal level I do see that the relationships need to be maintained. However, the issues go back to the early stages of the dementia when my husband was still able to take an active part in life and was able to make sense of, and reason with, the events around him. Prior to Alzheimer's there was little contact, perhaps once a year (my husband left home when he was 15). Once Alzheimer's was diagnosed the brother wanted to increase contact. This I thought was a good sign, but he would determine when visits took place, how long for and where they would go. When we tried to explain that it should be on my husband's terms the brother took offence and told my husband that I was a slut - I know this because I was there. Obviously my husband was shocked and from then on did not want to meet with him and it deteriorated from there. The promise was made during a time when he was able to understand what he was talking about and I respected his request.

With regard to his son, I don't know why he stopped. Sadly this was also never a close relationship, his father and mother divorced when he was 3, he's 38 now. He would mainly communicate via text, about 3 years ago these stopped, no birthday cards or Christmas card to his father. My husband should be moving from an emergency ward to permanent residential care soon. Once settled there I am happy for the son to visit his father.