Pre care home drama continues. At a loss what to do

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kerryblue, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    Here I am again. Would appreciate your views. We were all set for Mum to be taken to care home for first time next week. Was dreading it but resigned I suppose. Assessment was done at her home as some of you will have seen on my other recent posts.

    Received call today to say that the home feels Mum is not suitable for their open section (living with non dementia residents) and needs to be on a different floor with specialised dementia care which is locked).

    Went to home to discuss. Had very long meeting to try to understand reasoning behind their decision based on such a short assessment which they admitted went badly.

    Their rationale is that mum is vulnerable as she can't rememeber anything short term. Other residents would soon pick up on this and she would be left out etc etc and be unhappy. She would also be vulnerable as she cannot tell who has seen her or possibly been in her room etc. to be honest I can see their point. I think it was a shock.

    We then tour upstairs in the Dementia Unit. Of course it is completely different.... It would be. The residents have dementia but so does my mum!!! Accompanying family members depressed and in tears. A singing session going on..... Only a few joining in. Most just staring or sleeping. A completely different smell etc etc. All to be expected.

    Chose another room..... Hopes gone from thinking mum would get more stimulation and company etc to realising how bad she really is. Realisation setting in.

    We were already dreading next week as my mum is complete denial and I know this is normal. We were already dreading how we were actually going to get her in the home next week. Now we feel once she arrives in this unit she will want refuse to stay even more.

    I always thought she would be moved as her illness progressed but by then she would not be aware. This has come as a shock as it was never really put to,us that this was a possibility. My mum has such a good public persona until of course you talk to her then realise she cannot maintain a conversation, just nod etc.......

    Other family members feel angry by home misleading us. I can see all sides. I really can. Now I frantically look for other homes to visit but why? What is the use? they will all probably say the same. Now I am thinking do we get a full tim live in carer which comes with another huge set of problems and also we can't really afford that as then we can't rent her house out.

    All of us feel depressed..... (Deep down I feared this as time ticked on) but then that is my anger at this disease). Mum had visitors at home today and can remember nothing of them going. But she does refuse to consider live in carers or leaving her home but some thing has to happen to care for her and fast. I feel we need to give it a go and progress as we planned for early next week. But then if she really wants to stay home do we respect her wishes and get a carer or try to find one and struggle with trust issues and finances.

    We were all set and now feels rug has been pulled. This is complex. It's emotional but more importantly as we all know mum's safety comes first and I have worked so hard to get this far. It would have happened earlier but not been here to be able to do this due to illness.

    Left it we would come back to home tomorrow. Mean while other family members depressed but no solutions on the horizon. I have made suggestions that we look at carers who advertise privately (no ideal of cost, assume cheaper than agency)? Or look at more homes even though this one is five minutes away and award winning for its care. I still want to go for it. Kind friend who mum likes and trusts has now stepped forward to offer to take her there. I can't do stairs at mums house and also mum sees me as the baddie trying to put her away which I suppose I am. I still know as all of you out there who have helped me know. Mum has to be safe and she would be from early next week.... Would so appreciate any thoughts and advice. I hate the night. Thank you as always. Kerry.
     
  2. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I feel so sad reading your post. It reminds me of how it was for my FIL when he finally had to acknowledge he could no longer care for MIL at home after a crisis which resulted in her being admitted to hospital. He visited lots of homes and chose the one he thought she would have liked best - residential only, no specialist dementia unit. The staff felt MIL was 'borderline' but agreed to take her for a trial period. Within two weeks it became apparent that they were right to have doubts. Not only was she unable to join in or make any social contacts with others, she frightened them by occasional aggressive outbursts. She had to move and having to start the process all over again was even more sad and depressing.

    She needed the specialised care and the only way to keep her safe was in a dementia unit. FIL said he didn't realise until later that at first he was looking for a home for MIL as she used to be, but what she needed was a home for her as she now was. Dreadfully distressing and hard for everyone, especially him, to accept how far her condition had gone, but he was right.

    I think you have to think very seriously about the staff's advice as they have to ensure they can meet all their residents' needs as well as your mum's. I wonder if she goes to the dementia unit, would there be any way she could participate in some activities in the residential unit?
     
  3. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    Oh hello! Yes. Yes! They said she can. They said they try to mix and she can go down for keep fit and quiz etc which she was great at on the residents day.

    So sad for you and your experience. Wise words from your FIL too. I see exactly what happened and think the same would happen to mum. Beyond the curtains and the bedspreads etc at the end of the day the home has to care for all residents as you say. I do trust their judgement. I think we were "sales" led though and perhaps stupidly went in a bit blinkered. I can accept this. Others cannot and as for my mum and next week we'll I dread to think. Thank you for answering. Sorry you awake too. Sigh.
     
  4. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Acceptance is hard. It feels like giving up hope that things can get better. You have described how your siblings have struggled to accept that mum needs to move into care in the first place, so this must have come as a further shock to them. Try to continue with your plans for the move, you don't want to start all over again now you have got so far. Places in good care homes can be like gold dust. If you really can't persuade them, then I think the only thing you can do is say nicely that you can't do any more and they must take full responsibility to sort out what happens instead. Hopefully it won't come to that.
     
  5. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,593
    Yorkshire
    #5 Chemmy, Oct 16, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
    For what it's worth, I think the CH is doing the right thing. They have to consider their other residents and I can imagine someone confined to a wheelchair, but mentally OK, being horribly frustrated at being housed 24/7 with someone with dementia and perhaps being rather unkind towards them. Your mum deserves better than that.

    Nearly every one of us who has put their parent in a home has agonised the way you are now. Our parent is never as bad as those already in the more specialised unit...but remember, one day they will be that little old lady slumped in the chair themselves and new arrivals can often interact with the staff and provide a breath of fresh air to all.

    If it's any consolation, I found that my mum was far less aware of the state of her fellow residents that I was, and in time, I learned just to go with the flow. As Pickles says, acceptance is hard, but it is necessary to move on to the next stage. And your mum can just be herself in there...no-one will have any unrealistic expectations of her, and that in itself can be a relief.

    Good luck.

    Btw, did you say you had to buy a bed in your other thread? That sounds very odd.
     
  6. Kerryblue

    Kerryblue Registered User

    Oct 4, 2015
    42
    Thank you so much. I agree with what you are saying. Daylight brings sense sometimes ! We did not have to buy a bed. We chose to because we know mum hates single beds and her double would have been too big. The home says you can bring in what ever you want just wanted her to feel she was as "at home" as much as possible. So we got small double which arrives there soon. I am grateful for your help.
     
  7. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    2,482
    Radcliffe on Trent
    I'm glad you feel better this morning. I do too....couldn't sleep because I was so scared of the routine blood test booked for this morning. Back home now and very pleased with myself because I managed not to faint like the wimp I usually am!
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,392
    Yorkshire
    Hi Kerryblue
    It never rains but it pours, eh!
    Actually, I think it bodes well that the home manager has been so open with you and from what you have said is being flexible about furniture and visiting other floors to join in activities (and it will happen - it does in my dad's home). The assessment may have seemed short to you, but remember these are people who deal with residents all day every day and have a lot of experience in seeing how they are - rather than, like me anyway, still rather seeing my dad as he was. They haven't really misled, they did have to assess and be sure they can support your mother's needs, so needed to consider and make a decision as to what they could offer - it's just unexpected and not surprisingly taken the wind out of the sails of your family members.

    There is no perfect home but you say you trust the manager, it's 5 mins away and is award winning for CARE (not building or anything else - care is the most important thing) - so again, sounds good. Yes, the dementia floor is not so fitted out with d├ęcor and has to be easily cleaned (hence the slightly different smell) but my dad just isn't bothered with how his surroundings look - he just wants to be able to walk the corridors easily, so wide and have handrails with non slip flooring, and have a room that he can access when he wants with comfortable safe furniture. What he really responds to? The staff. All of whom knew his name within the week - including cook, laundry, cleaner ... ALL - all speak to him kindly and make him smile (and that at times has been a challenge) - they have got to know his ways and they talk to me openly, and listen to me too.

    And although you mentioned other family members being upset - yes, that will happen - I've found other visitors also get to know my dad and me, and we have shared moments of comfort and laughter. I greet other residents when I visit dad and have a chat as much as is possible - it is their home after all. Dad is much less aware of the other residents - he goes from interacting with some (that's fascinating in itself) to just not seeming to notice their presence any more than he notices the furniture; he is in his world, they are in theirs.

    I too thought that dad was not anything like the other residents, but within a short time, when I could breathe and really take in the situation, it was clear that he was on the correct floor. And to be frank I've been so grateful at times that he is there and the staff can step up and support him - we've had some tricky moments and I know I couldn't have coped with him at home.

    Hold fast to the decision you all made - the whole situation is horrible, I appreciate, for every family member. What a wonderful friend to offer to take your mum!
    Best wishes
     

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