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praying for a quick end!

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by vickic, Aug 18, 2014.

  1. vickic

    vickic Registered User

    Oct 10, 2012
    29
    Is it wrong to wish for the death of someone you love so much?
    Poor grandad was taken to hospital this morning with bubbling lungs, very new and unexpected symptom!! He'd been in bed for a week with a pressure sore but he couldn't breathe this morning when I arrived. They've diagnosed a chest infection and sepsis and when I left this evening his breathing had improved a lot, but he has no quality of life. He is in bed barely eats or drinks, become increasingly rigid and its one problem after another.
    We haven't had a pallative care team in yet but it's such a difficult situation. I am very pragmatic and would very much like to see an end to his suffering but poor nanny and mum I think it's an inate instinct to preserve life, nanny keeps talking about getting him out of bed and back in his chair.
    We see it coming but it's still a shock.
    Can I hope he passes in his sleep tonight? I get the feeling I have a few more months of this hell
     
  2. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    Oh, it's so hard isn't it?

    Your poor Nan. Looking for another recovery and who can blame her?
    Your poor Mum, worried about her Mum and how she will be and worrying about her Dad?

    And you...worrying about them all.

    My heart goes out to you all.

    My Mam had pneumonia and the day before she died the same phrase was used 'bubbling'.

    She was at home but receiving pain relief, she was comfortable and pain free.

    I wish the same for your Grandad.

    And I wish you strength and courage to help your Mum and Nanny through the trauma.

    Hard times. xx
     
  3. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    No, it's called compassion

    That's what it is, it's not wrong to want to see an end to someone's suffering. This I fully understand, totally.
    My heart goes out to you, worrying about everyone else.
    Please look after yourself.
    VickyG
    xx
     
  4. vickic

    vickic Registered User

    Oct 10, 2012
    29
    I'm so frightened I won't be able to cope, and I'm very much trying not to feel sorry for myself, but I'm getting married in 5 weeks, the plan last year was to rush the planning so he could be there, but back in May I had to make the terrible decision to go ahead without him there and 2 weeks ago our photographer came round to take pics of me and him in my wedding dress so at least I'll have those.
    But I've ordered him a button hole and his carers were going to dress him up smart on the day....
    I don't know how to cope with this.
     
  5. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    You will cope, we do, honestly.
    I think it's a lovely idea what you've done, and I'm sure he will be there, even if not in person. It's not a terrible decision, life has to go on, we have to do what we have to do. And I'm sure the carers will try and make his day as nice as possible, I think it's a lovely idea to give him a buttonhole, and dress him up smart.
    There's been so many times in the past where I've wondered, should I do this ? Should I do that ? Should i go ? Should i not ? Sometimes we have to just do it, and what will be, will be. We can't change the world I'm afraid, just make the best of things why we are here.
    Take care
    VickyG xx
     
  6. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    What I would say to my son is 'Take big breaths. This is how life pans out. Grandad would not want this to upset your day, he is here anyway...none of us would be here without him. Let's do him proud and enjoy the day as he would want us to.'

    I say the same to you.

    It's OK to be prepared and think about your wedding, it's NOT a bad thing to prepare yourself mentally.
    So do that, prepare instead of beating yourself up for even thinking about the repercussions it could cause to your wedding day.
    You need to prepare for it. Preparation mentally is what will give you the grace to be the beautiful, wise, strong Bride he would want to see given away.
    What will be, will be but you can make yourself ready for all of it. It's the circle of life. xxx
     
  7. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    garnuft - that was put lovely
    xx
     
  8. vickic

    vickic Registered User

    Oct 10, 2012
    29
    Thankyou both for your strength, it's much needed and appreciated.
     
  9. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    You're welcome........... My beautiful mum passed away recently and my emotions are all over the place. I hope I haven't wrote anything that offends you. I can only speak from experience Vickic

    Take care now
    xx
     
  10. msf

    msf Registered User

    Aug 14, 2014
    9
    thank you

    I came onto this site just a few short days ago to ask for some help and advice regarding my aunt. We lost her yesterday morning, so sad as she was a strong independent woman but I know she is now at peace with her Hubby, our uncle Im sure they are planning their new adventures together as we speak God Bless.

    Thank you all that responded to my plea for advice, you don't know how much it helped as a novice to this cruel illness I had a fastrack learning programme with your aid.
     
  11. vickic

    vickic Registered User

    Oct 10, 2012
    29
    update

    Well it hasn't been the quick end I was hoping for but maybe there has been some positive moments. All medical intervention was withdrawn Friday afternoon as the sepsis was not responding and the fluids were "tissueing" into his arm and not helping at all. Happily he awoke Friday, smiled laughed and "talked" to us. The pallative team have put in a battery operated thing to relieve fluid on the lungs and seizures and he has a morphine patch, he's been asleep ever since. He seems very comfortable. Does anyone know how long this stage will last? No fluids or antibiotics etc, I'm still hoping it's quick, sitting, waiting for him to die is very unpleasant!!!
     
  12. VickyG

    VickyG Registered User

    Feb 6, 2013
    327
    Birmingham
    Hi,
    It shouldn't be long.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Vicky xx
     
  13. CareGiver-1

    CareGiver-1 Registered User

    Aug 21, 2014
    74
    USA
    #13 CareGiver-1, Aug 23, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2014
    x
     
  14. ritchie

    ritchie Registered User

    May 13, 2013
    63
    Hi Vicky
    It probably won't be long now, my thoughts and prayers are with your family X
     
  15. Rathbone

    Rathbone Registered User

    May 17, 2014
    2,264
    Female
    West Sussex
    Here's a hand to hold. Loving thoughts X :)
     
  16. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    6,585
    My heart goes out to him.

    Have courage, stay strong.
     
  17. It's not wrong to wish someone out of their suffering. After all, most of us would want the same, a quick, simple, drama-less exit through the night with no intervention. Maybe my viewpoint is skewed somewhat with all the dementia surrounding me in my life. But these days when I hear about people who have a very fast battle with cancer, or when I hear about heart attacks and heart disease, I see it as a much more palatable option than dementia. Never pretty, but dementia is just horrendous.
     
  18. Teanosugar

    Teanosugar Registered User

    Apr 28, 2012
    107
    Stockport
    No it is not wrong to want the best for a loved one

    Have been here with my mum and I thought exactly the same, wished for a quick and dignified end to suffering - which is what I would want myself. I now find myself wishing the same for my dad who is suffering greatly with dementia and other conditions. For this reason I have Power of Attorney and have requested DNR on his file for when a critical situation arises. It is born out of love, of not wishing to see a loved one suffer when there is no chance of a cure.

    Have a fantastic wedding, and if grandad is no longer with you, do what I did with mum, I put my wedding flowers into the sea, at sunset, with champagne and toasted her life. Maybe you could put your flowers onto a grave, a memorial or just a place your grandad loved, thus involving him in the wedding.

    Good luck, god speed a dignified passing. x
     
  19. babypie

    babypie Registered User

    Feb 29, 2012
    209
    Rubery,Birmingham
    Hi

    Its not wrong at all. I often have this conversation with my fiance. His Dad passed suddenly at 74 from a heart attack, just collapsed and gone. I know its a shock for those left behind but I argue its MUCH kinder than watching your parents go through this.

    My Mom had dementia and at the end her head was on her knees and thats how she was "living" I will be honest and tell you I prayed for her suffering to end and at the end when she was dying in hospital I kept telling her to go and be free.

    Same now with Dad, 88, dementia, late (end?) stage congestive heart faliure and on a do not resus. He begs me to bring him pills to end his life and is a pitiful, suffering skeleton of a man. I could cry as I write it but yes I am now praying for his end.

    It goes against nature to wish a parent dead but the way I look at it he is no longer "alive" as we know it,
    God bless you and stay strong

    BP x
     
  20. annie h

    annie h Registered User

    Jun 1, 2013
    148
    BP, I can give you an even more unbiased view on the "compare and contrast" front. My dad dropped dead of a heart attack watching a football match in the 1980s and was dead on arrival at hospital. (I won't tell you which team he was supporting as I don't take kindly to the jokes that sometimes follow!)

    Right now I'm going through the final stages of dementia with Mum. Nobody can say whether it'll be hours, days or weeks. I so wish she was unconscious so she didn't know about it. Yesterday and today she has eaten and drunk a little and I don't know whether to be glad or sorry as it will probably just prolong the end - last time this happened she wasn't quite as ill but once she started eating and drinking she recovered. And her quality of life before she deteriorated two weeks ago was already nil so I am unable to view positively the possibility that she might come back again.

    It was certainly the most unimaginable shock for all my family when my dad died but I sure as anything know which I would prefer for myself and for my family and it's not what my mother's going through now.
     
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