Hello everyone,
I have read through a lot of stories and would like to share mine as well.
Just to give a little background about myself – I am 24 and am doing a very demanding degree in the UK, away from my home country. My parents separated when I was very young, both went their own ways and had different families. I stayed and grew up with my grandparents (my dad’s parents) whom I have always taken as my parents.
My grandparents were coping well when I first got into a good university and went to study abroad… Sadly, however, in early spring this year my grandfather suddenly passed away from a stroke. What is more, soon after he was gone, it appeared that my grandmother had dementia. It was just that while they were together with grandpa her dementia was never that apparent.
As a consequence, this year has been particularly difficult for me. There are a lot of problems at the moment… Gran lives alone. She has lost a lot of weight and doesn’t eat. Even when the meal is prepared for her she would only have a few spoons of it. She is confused between the night time and the daytime. On a number of occasions I have rung her up and stopped from going to the market at around 8-9 pm... What worries me a lot is that she still drives, although occasionally forgets where she parked her car, saying it got stolen... So far we have been unable to persuade her to stop driving, because she wants to be independent (and she is very, very stubborn). Furthermore, changing clothes for sleeping has become an issue. Personal hygiene is also troublesome sometimes… She has a lot of difficulties with speech, finding the words… Occasionally, she switches to her mother-tongue (which I don’t know) without noticing it. I would carry on the conversation in my language, while she would carry on in hers. And she would not admit to it.
But the biggest problem of all is grandma’s complete lack of insight into her condition. She denies that she needs any help or that there is anything unusual. I have suggested a carer, not even that, I said “home help” with cleaning and cooking a couple of times a week for a start (taking little steps, that is). But she said categorically no.
I have tried on numerous occasions to persuade her go and see a doctor. On one occasion, I asked her to draw a clock, indicate the hours and draw the arrows (some of you may have heard of this simple non-specific test for people with suspected dementia) – and she was unable to do that. I then said that I was really worried about her and wanted her to see a specialist. She got extremely angry at me (as if I asked her to do the task in order to just make fun of her, while I was only trying to get her a glimpse of insight…) and I felt so bad about trying to get her to the doctors’... I thought I’d never try again.
My dad is really struggling to look after gran on his own (there aren’t any other relatives or friends who could help), while I am away on my studies… Care homes are not an option in my country (for confidentiality purposes, I wouldn’t like to declare where I come from). While I just don’t know where to start. She still sees me as a child and would not listen to me. Is getting her seen by a doctor a good idea, assuming she did go to one? They could prescribe some medication for her to stop the dementia from progressing for a little while. However, she might as well be beyond the stage where any meds are effective (oh and by the way, she has now decided she won’t take her regular medication – and I cannot convince her to do it). And generally there is so much stigma around Alzheimer’s etc. that I’m not entirely sure it’s a good idea to get the label attached to her.
How do I get her clothes washed without her becoming annoyed at me? She objects to me getting anywhere close to her wardrobe… How do I encourage her to eat more? She gives me back all her food saying that I am a poor student and should eat well… How do I convince her that she does need help? And how do I do all that without taking her anger and annoyance personally (I know it is the disease but that does not really help)?
It would be great if you could give me some tips from your experience… I am on my uni holidays now and would like to try and help both my gran and my dad as much as I can. It’s really sad to see my granny go this way, I’m sure you have felt in a similar way with your loved ones, too... I am young and I have a lot to learn. I am glad to have found this forum, which has been recommended to me by my counsellor.
I have read through a lot of stories and would like to share mine as well.
Just to give a little background about myself – I am 24 and am doing a very demanding degree in the UK, away from my home country. My parents separated when I was very young, both went their own ways and had different families. I stayed and grew up with my grandparents (my dad’s parents) whom I have always taken as my parents.
My grandparents were coping well when I first got into a good university and went to study abroad… Sadly, however, in early spring this year my grandfather suddenly passed away from a stroke. What is more, soon after he was gone, it appeared that my grandmother had dementia. It was just that while they were together with grandpa her dementia was never that apparent.
As a consequence, this year has been particularly difficult for me. There are a lot of problems at the moment… Gran lives alone. She has lost a lot of weight and doesn’t eat. Even when the meal is prepared for her she would only have a few spoons of it. She is confused between the night time and the daytime. On a number of occasions I have rung her up and stopped from going to the market at around 8-9 pm... What worries me a lot is that she still drives, although occasionally forgets where she parked her car, saying it got stolen... So far we have been unable to persuade her to stop driving, because she wants to be independent (and she is very, very stubborn). Furthermore, changing clothes for sleeping has become an issue. Personal hygiene is also troublesome sometimes… She has a lot of difficulties with speech, finding the words… Occasionally, she switches to her mother-tongue (which I don’t know) without noticing it. I would carry on the conversation in my language, while she would carry on in hers. And she would not admit to it.
But the biggest problem of all is grandma’s complete lack of insight into her condition. She denies that she needs any help or that there is anything unusual. I have suggested a carer, not even that, I said “home help” with cleaning and cooking a couple of times a week for a start (taking little steps, that is). But she said categorically no.
I have tried on numerous occasions to persuade her go and see a doctor. On one occasion, I asked her to draw a clock, indicate the hours and draw the arrows (some of you may have heard of this simple non-specific test for people with suspected dementia) – and she was unable to do that. I then said that I was really worried about her and wanted her to see a specialist. She got extremely angry at me (as if I asked her to do the task in order to just make fun of her, while I was only trying to get her a glimpse of insight…) and I felt so bad about trying to get her to the doctors’... I thought I’d never try again.
My dad is really struggling to look after gran on his own (there aren’t any other relatives or friends who could help), while I am away on my studies… Care homes are not an option in my country (for confidentiality purposes, I wouldn’t like to declare where I come from). While I just don’t know where to start. She still sees me as a child and would not listen to me. Is getting her seen by a doctor a good idea, assuming she did go to one? They could prescribe some medication for her to stop the dementia from progressing for a little while. However, she might as well be beyond the stage where any meds are effective (oh and by the way, she has now decided she won’t take her regular medication – and I cannot convince her to do it). And generally there is so much stigma around Alzheimer’s etc. that I’m not entirely sure it’s a good idea to get the label attached to her.
How do I get her clothes washed without her becoming annoyed at me? She objects to me getting anywhere close to her wardrobe… How do I encourage her to eat more? She gives me back all her food saying that I am a poor student and should eat well… How do I convince her that she does need help? And how do I do all that without taking her anger and annoyance personally (I know it is the disease but that does not really help)?
It would be great if you could give me some tips from your experience… I am on my uni holidays now and would like to try and help both my gran and my dad as much as I can. It’s really sad to see my granny go this way, I’m sure you have felt in a similar way with your loved ones, too... I am young and I have a lot to learn. I am glad to have found this forum, which has been recommended to me by my counsellor.
