Power of Attorney - is this OK?

[Yorkshire exBrummie]

I've been living 24/7 with Mum (96) for 12 months as her Alzheimer's is at such a stage that she cannot be left. I'm the only one - no siblings or grandchildren to help. I hardly see my husband. It's getting to the stage when it's very difficult to cope, and I also don't feel I can live apart from my husband any longer. I'm very reluctant to go down the care home route yet for two reasons: she has always said, "Don't ever put me in a home" and also because she absolutely LIVES FOR her cat! One solution might be for Mum and her cat to move into my home for a while (until the care home becomes inevitable) but at the moment the house is not suitable. We have Power of Attorney. If we used the money from the sale of Mum's house to make alterations (stairlift, wet room, new draught free double glazing) in order for her to move in, would that be seen as taking advantage of the PofA situation? ...especially as it may be temporary. Thanks All.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Yorkshire exBrummie
Don’t ever put me in a home is very common. You have to do what is in her best interests. A move to yours could be very upsetting and disorienting fir her. A move to a home now may be the best thing.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[Palerider]

In my search for a new CH for mum I have come across ones that allow pets -I'm sure this is quite rare, but might be worth asking the CH if you contact any

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi @Yorkshire exBrummie I am in the same position as you living with dad because he can't be left for more than half hour but I do get some relief from other family who take over at times.

I agree with @Cat27 Your mum would be better off in a care home. Making all of those improvements to your home would probably be a waste of time and money. Does your mum have a stair lift in her own home, if she doesn't she will probably have problems learning how to use it anyway.

As for taking advantage of the POA I am not really sure but could be seen as deprivation of assets by the LA if she should ever live long enough to use up her remaining money on future care home fees.

 

[Louise7]

I also agree with Cat27. If you are finding it difficult to cope with looking after your Mum 24/7 at the moment then that's unlikely to get any easier if she moves in with you.

Just to add to Palerider's post, someone in my Mum's care home brought their cat with them, with the agreement of the manager, so you may find somewhere local that will accommodate this. Mum was quite fixated with her cat but she seemed to forget about it very quickly when she moved into a care home so we decided to rehome it.

As attorney you need to be careful of any potential conflict of interest and spending the donor's money on anything that may benefit yourself financially is something to consider as new double glazing and a wet room is likely to add value to your property. Aside from any potential deprivation of assets issues If you do decide to go down this route check with the OPG before having any work done to ensure that they don't consider it a conflict of interest.

 

[Dimpsy]

Hello @Yorkshire exBrummie, if you think it inevitable that your mum will be in a care home at some point in the future, would it be better for her if she only has the one move to cope with and not two?
I visit a lady in a CH where the residents are allowed to keep their dogs, it's complete mayhem, but fun, although I've never noticed cats around.

I forgot to add that when my mum moved in with us we had a small extension and bathroom added for her - OH and I paid for everything from savings, even her new bed, soft furnishings etc, so we couldn't be accused of using mum's money.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I've been living 24/7 with Mum (96) for 12 months as her Alzheimer's is at such a stage that she cannot be left. I'm the only one - no siblings or grandchildren to help. I hardly see my husband. It's getting to the stage when it's very difficult to cope, and I also don't feel I can live apart from my husband any longer. I'm very reluctant to go down the care home route yet for two reasons: she has always said, "Don't ever put me in a home" and also because she absolutely LIVES FOR her cat! One solution might be for Mum and her cat to move into my home for a while (until the care home becomes inevitable) but at the moment the house is not suitable. We have Power of Attorney. If we used the money from the sale of Mum's house to make alterations (stairlift, wet room, new draught free double glazing) in order for her to move in, would that be seen as taking advantage of the PofA situation? ...especially as it may be temporary. Thanks All.

I agree with other posters personally I wouldn't waste time and money in doing up your own home. How does your husband feel about this potential situation? I think you should accept the fact that your mother is probably ready for a care home now where a whole team is going to be available to look after her 24/7. I am sorry to say that saying never put me in a care home is the default phrase for anyone with dementia. My mother-in-law refused to use a wet room, as it was too unfamiliar.

Also my husband used to work for a stair lift firm and as a company they were very reluctant to install lifts in homes where there were dementia sufferers. The policy was that the person using the stairlift should have total supervision by someone who could understand the controls, there was a case a few years ago go where an Alzheimer's patient tried to step off the lift halfway up the stairs and fell injuring themselves. I appreciate from what you have said that this is probably something that you would wish to supervise , but also be aware they're extremely expensive to buy and you may be better off renting for a short time.

 

[Lawson58]

My ex husband lived in a residential care complex where people lived almost independently with just a minimal amount of help, right through to full care. Some of the residents lived in units and had their pet with them, others lived within a communal building till they moved on to the full care area. The whole complex was set in gardens so didn't feel like a care home but something like this could suit her.

 

[Yorkshire exBrummie]

Thanks All, ...seems I posted my original question in the wrong thread, but thanks for answering anyway. It's given me food for thought. One thing I've got from this is that if we do make changes to our house to make it Mum-friendly, then we'll need to find the funds ourselves.

Your overriding opinion seems to be that it's time for Mum to move to a Care Home. I can see the sense in that, and will continue to think about it, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that route and separate her from her cat yet. "Don't ever put me in a home" was said many years ago (pre-dementia) and she had a bad experience when her sister had to go into a home, which she hasn't forgotten. Looking after her a little longer is probably possible, though it IS getting difficult. It's the living apart from my husband for 12 months which has to change, while I still have a marriage. ...but I WILL read (and re-read) your comments again, to help me make that decision.

Rosettastone57 asks what my husband thinks. He's happy either way (Care home or Mum move in with us) - he just wants me home. As I'm the only one looking after Mum, I can't just nip home!

Duggies-girl asks if Mum is used to a stairlift. Yes, she hs one in her own house, but in answer to Rosettastone57, it's so old (about 35 yrs old) that I doubt anyone would move it from house to house as it probably doesn't conform to present safety standards. We were thinking of getting a new one if she moves in.

Thank you all for comments about Care Homes which allow pets. I'll certainly look into that.
It's been very helpful to read all your comments, and given me food for thought. Thanks.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Yorkshire exBrummie I am the same I want to go home to my normal life (if it can ever be normal again) but I still find it hard to think that dad will have to go in a home at some point. I can't have dad living with me because we have a stairs and dad is used to a bungalow. Dad has cancer too which is the main reason I have kept him at home. Honestly how mean could I be to put a dying dad in a care home but he has been dying for a long time now and the way I feel lately I am beginning to think that he could outlive me. The guilt is enormous but I really have had enough.

It came to a point this morning when dad got up surprisingly early and came into my room, sat in his chair and promptly went asleep without even noticing me in bed. He has no idea that I have been looking after him for two and a half years full time and he certainly doesn't know that I have been living with him for almost a year, he thinks that I have just popped into see him.

I have set a date now on dad's 90th birthday and when it comes around I am going to have a really good look at how things are because I really can't go on without some kind of time frame. I will see him through his birthday whatever but after that, who knows.

Perhaps make a date to review things but don't make it too far ahead.

 

[Yorkshire exBrummie]

@Yorkshire exBrummie I am the same I want to go home to my normal life (if it can ever be normal again) but I still find it hard to think that dad will have to go in a home at some point. I can't have dad living with me because we have a stairs and dad is used to a bungalow. Dad has cancer too which is the main reason I have kept him at home. Honestly how mean could I be to put a dying dad in a care home but he has been dying for a long time now and the way I feel lately I am beginning to think that he could outlive me. The guilt is enormous but I really have had enough.

It came to a point this morning when dad got up surprisingly early and came into my room, sat in his chair and promptly went asleep without even noticing me in bed. He has no idea that I have been looking after him for two and a half years full time and he certainly doesn't know that I have been living with him for almost a year, he thinks that I have just popped into see him.

I have set a date now on dad's 90th birthday and when it comes around I am going to have a really good look at how things are because I really can't go on without some kind of time frame. I will see him through his birthday whatever but after that, who knows.

Perhaps make a date to review things but don't make it too far ahead.

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Thanks Duggies-girl. I know just how you feel. I look at Mum (who in her own mind is very independant and doesn't know why she can't be left on her own) and then I think, how CAN I put her in a home? ...especially as we've always been very close and she frets if we're out and she can't see me? BUT, 12 months living away from my own home is enough. It's time to put my 77 year old husband first. Everyone tells me I need to put him first now, but I'm so torn!
Like you, decision time is approaching.....
I wish you all the best with your own decision-making.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Oh @Yorkshire exBrummie you sound very much like me. My husband is 71 and he was very ill 2 years ago at the same time that dad was diagnosed with the cancer although he is ok now but at the time I was at my wits end with worry and everything has snowballed since then.

Like me, you have been doing everything to put your mum first and now you are saying it is time to put your husband first and I agree but a little part of me is saying that it is time that we put ourselves first, just for a little while, in some kind of way, we must give ourselves a break of some kind, just a breather or a pat on the back. We need to put ourselves first, just for once.

I hope you keep posting, it's a helpful sort of place.

Wishing you well

 

[annielou]

Its so hard to decide whats best to do.
I've been staying at mums for last few months and I'm also missing my hubby terribly even though i got to go home for few days a few times when my sister came to stay with mum.
We did consider having mum live with us, but our stairs were a big worry as mum lives in a bungalow and is bit wobbly on mine and there were a few other worries too. A few months ago before I came to stay with her she stayed at our house a couple of times and got up in the night looking for us. She had sort of let on that she would like to live with us and at Christmas we thought we'd try staying with mum at our house for a few days to see how mum went on. We made a wood stair gate and got a pressure pad for bed to help with night time wandering, but actually now i really dont think it would work.
We only managed one night and mum was very confused with staying there and wanted to go home, lately when we're just visiting my house she is often asking to go home and confused a lot of the time she is there mixing it up with other peoples houses.
I thought as mum had previously stayed at ours and visited a lot she would feel better there but she didn't. It may be the same for your mum.
Mind you Mum isnt happy or properly settled at her home or my house now unfortunately and I'm not sure what we're going to do. She too doesn't want to go in a care home and as shes not self funding thats not even an option currently and she doesnt want and doesnt think she needs carers. She thinks she could manage on her own when asked but relies on me all the time.
Good luck with your decision. I hope whatever you decide it works out. X

 

[LongDistanceCarer10]

Any move at all is very disorientating - they have such difficulty programming in anything new. Have you considered respite care, which gives the carers a break as well - it helps find the right place and break away from the fear of "going into a home". She might then become accustomed to short separation from the cat!
LM

 

[Yorkshire exBrummie]

Its so hard to decide whats best to do.
I've been staying at mums for last few months and I'm also missing my hubby terribly even though i got to go home for few days a few times when my sister came to stay with mum.
We did consider having mum live with us, but our stairs were a big worry as mum lives in a bungalow and is bit wobbly on mine and there were a few other worries too. A few months ago before I came to stay with her she stayed at our house a couple of times and got up in the night looking for us. She had sort of let on that she would like to live with us and at Christmas we thought we'd try staying with mum at our house for a few days to see how mum went on. We made a wood stair gate and got a pressure pad for bed to help with night time wandering, but actually now i really dont think it would work.
We only managed one night and mum was very confused with staying there and wanted to go home, lately when we're just visiting my house she is often asking to go home and confused a lot of the time she is there mixing it up with other peoples houses.
I thought as mum had previously stayed at ours and visited a lot she would feel better there but she didn't. It may be the same for your mum.
Mind you Mum isnt happy or properly settled at her home or my house now unfortunately and I'm not sure what we're going to do. She too doesn't want to go in a care home and as shes not self funding thats not even an option currently and she doesnt want and doesnt think she needs carers. She thinks she could manage on her own when asked but relies on me all the time.
Good luck with your decision. I hope whatever you decide it works out. X

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It's SO difficuly, isn't it?! It would be so much easier if they realised that they can't manage and do need a carer, but as they live in the moment, in their own mind they're perfectly OK ...'till they need you! Hope it works out for you too!

 

[Yorkshire exBrummie]

Any move at all is very disorientating - they have such difficulty programming in anything new. Have you considered respite care, which gives the carers a break as well - it helps find the right place and break away from the fear of "going into a home". She might then become accustomed to short separation from the cat!
LM

Yes. Thanks. I'm hopefully going to try that in February and see how she gets on.