1. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Hi all, have had to make a decision this week. Do I agree to place Lionel in long term care, or try, once again, with a bigger home care package, to keep him at home for a little longer.

    Roller coaster of a week, and not much forthcoming on the care package side.!!!
    Breakthrough today, a local (5 miles away) care home agreeing to get registration to accept Lionel (under 65).
    O.K. so it does not tick all the boxes, but it feels right. I will be able to visit daily, bring him home for lunch on good days, or wheel him to look at the sea on days I cannot get him into the car.

    I feel so much calmer tonight. Am soooooo looking forward to bringing him home tomorrow, as promised. Then we can look to the future. It will still be hard, but I am optimistic. Please keep fingers crossed for me. Regards to all, Connie

    ps I feel I can manage the obstacles as they crop up this coming week, as I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I would never just abandon Lionel, and do feel that this could be the best way forward for both of us, bearing in mind his increased mobility and spacial problems.
  2. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Great news Connie, both about Lionel and about you feeling so much better. It will be wonderful for you to go for walks by the sea and be able to take him home sometimes.

    Really pleased for you.

  3. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    Connie hi,

    that sounds like a wonderful solution - 5 miles is almost next door.. Really really hope it works out for you both.
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Connie, I agree totally. As hard as we try, as much as we want to do it all, there comes a time for some of us where we are doing better for our loved one in ensuring their safety and care using a good care home. It really does free us up to be on top form when we visit them, or take them out. Make each visit a treat.

    That is not to say it will be easy. The time you take him in there to stay, the time when you need to leave and to leave alone, an other things, all will be hard at first. As will being alone afterwards. Just keep telling yourself it is in his best interests.

    ...and in your best interests. You deserve not to be ground down by this.

    Very best wishes
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I'm glad for you. If the place feels right, as you say, then that's the most important thing. And it's close, that's good too.

    Take care of yourself as I'm sure you'll find yourself at loose ends at first. But now you'll be able to enjoy Lionel more with other people taking care of the day to day issues.

  6. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Connie, I can only speak of my Mum's experience but I know that she has taken full advantage of visiting Dad every day, bringing him home etc. and in our case it has definitely worked out for the best. My fingers are well and truely crossed for you!
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Connie, I'm so glad, and I do hope everything falls into place for you both (after the inevitable initial settling-down period).

    Best Wishes
  8. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    I admire your rational thinking and hope that it all works out in the best possible way for you both.
    Thinking of you!
  9. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I admire the way that you are dealing with this problem,I only hope I can cope as well when the time comes,as it will.
    Thinking of you
  10. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Thank you all for your good wishes.

    Lionel came home today, and tonight I had a carer in to help me get Lionel to bed.
    Another lady coming to help get him up in the morning. This will continue for a week, as I have promised Lionel this time at home.

    He is going into the new home next Friday, on open respite, to begin with, but I realise he will have to stay. He has had one fall already today, I only left him in the lounge to go into the kitchen to cook, He stood up and fell. I had to call a neighbour, and we half lifted him back on to the sofa. Ah well, he looks happy and peaceful now, all tucked up in bed.

    I am trying to stay positive, and todays fall reinforces the inadequect care I can give him at home. Take care all, Connie
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dearest Connie, I can well imagine how difficult it has been for you to make this decision. Finding a home so near and one that you can take him out from to visit the sea as well, it sounds right some how. My Mum used to get such pleasure from just taking in great breaths of sea air, even if I had her bundled up from the cold in her wheelchair when she was too poorly to walk any more. It was something we could still share, something dementia was unable to steal. I am sure you are doing the right thing, especialy if he is now falling as you say. Take pleasure in visiting him, enjoy the special times you can still have and most of all, don't you dare feel guilty. You have battled to keep Lionel at home and been a brilliant wife, carer and best friend to him, never forget that. There is still so much you will be able to do with him and for him during these visits, so take comfort in that. The first weeks are the hardest and we will all be here for you my love. Thinking of you, love and hugs, She. XX
  12. zan

    zan Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Connie, I am sure that your care has never been 'inadequate' and always has and always will be wonderful. It's just that there is only one of you and you can't be on call 24 hours a day. A few years ago I worked nights in a home which offered respite for people with a variety of illnesses including alzheimers and you realize that often even one person isn't enough to take of some of their needs e.g. it can be much more comfortable for the person to be lifted by two people than by one, plus less chance of the lifters being injured. If Lionel is falling and you are trying to lift him on your own you are putting yourself at risk of injury too, and i'm sure you realise that this would cause big problems for both of you. There are alot of wonderful kind people working in care homes. You will probably be surprised how many are working there who have been through similar experiences themselves. I know that it will be so hard for you at first but try to spend some time, if you can with any friends and relatives who can offer you support. I am sure that Lionel will be well cared for and when you go to see him and take him out to the sea or to your home you will be able to enjoy those times instead of being worn out. I'll be thinking of you on Friday. Zan
  13. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005

    Just to support your decision, I would like to add that when Dad went into a home, us having reached breaking point at home with him, it was such a huge relief yo feel others were sharing the burden of care. it just gets too much for one human being to cope with. In the end your own health starts to suffer and that is no good to anyone. Also I found my relationship with dad actually improved as at times I felt I was becoming his jailor, stopping him doing what he wanted, because of safey issues he didn't understand. Also I was so so tired all the time, not getting much sleep, that I was fighting being irritable with him, when he needed me to be patient. Going into a home creates new worries, of course, but overall it has been the best decision I have taken.

    Enjoy your times together and enjoy having some quality time to yourself - see friends, read a book, reclaim some of your own identity. Lionel will gain too as you will be more energetic, happier and fresher when you visit him. You should feel really proud of your decision, Connie. It's never an easy one and only the individual carer can know when the time is right, but it's done out of your love for Lionel and your recognition that a change is needed to allow you both to have the best possible quality of life that this cruel illness allows. I'm sure we'll all be thinking of you as you adjust to the changes.

    Blue sea
  14. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Connie - I do admire you for your decision. It will not be too easy until things settle down - but they will Good luck - find some new things to do for yourself as you more than deserve that. Will be thinking about you especially over the next week. Love BeckyJan

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