Earlier this week I had hernia repair surgery on both sides. Complications meant I had to stay in hospital overnight and my sister had to ensure my mum took her medications, drank adequate fluids and ate the meals I had prepared. I am sitting badly bruised, taking pain killers and unable to lift a kettle let alone prepare meals. My mother at times understands what has happened, then later I limp around and I am asked “what have you done to yourself?”. My mum told my sister she remembered me going off in a taxi but she was not sure where I had gone. My note of explanation was on her side table next to her, put down and forgotten. All our chats in the last week added up to zero memory.
Being pretty useless physically and mentally at present has given me a much better understanding of my mum’s frustrations and other related matters.
1) There are many daily things I cannot do at present. I can see things which need doing but are beyond me. I need to await my sister or brother visiting to move them forward. Frustrating but soon I will be back on my feet so to speak. For my mother tasks she can no longer do either physically or mentally cause her frustration. I realise more now that help, support and smoothing words only help mitigate those feelings to a degree. My inability is time limited, for mum those abilities are just gone. I will try to remember how I now feel and hopefully I can use it to increase my understanding of matters in future. A night in hospital on a busy ward meant no sleep, combined with a largely sleepless night before the surgery. I find myself fuzzy on the pain killers and lack of sleep. Struggling to remember why I came into the kitchen, what was I going to do next, etc. Frustrating but if I concentrate I can recall most times, it has not just completely gone as my mum would say.
2) My sister and brother visit my mum and we mostly chat about the past where her memory is still good. I send them emails to explain how mum is getting on in detail. I sometimes wonder if they really fully appreciate how things are, remembering the controlled visits they have, which are limited in time, with safe subject matters. Well my sister coped very well with mum, using emotional blackmail when there was reluctance to take pills I was not giving her directly, etc. I now know at least one sibling has dealt with mum as she now is in the current moment, without me there to arrange the daily routines. Get pills taken, food eaten, fluids drunk not forgotten, answer repeated questions, see the explanation fail to stick beyond a minute, etc. Those hours did more to illustrate where we are at than any number of emails and both my siblings are supportive and love their mum.
Not an experience I am in a hurry to repeat. Mind you waking up periodically in recovery and facing a lovely pair of female eyes behind a face mask was one compensation. Am I feeling okay? Well yes the day is improving. Being asked later if I wanted a cup of tea and this being nothing to do with distraction. Not sure if I can say all that but sure beat coming round to Nora Batty. On a more serious note back home with mum and temporarily weakened physically and mentally has given me limited first hand experience of my mum’s world. A positive experience at one level but a sobering one as well. Empathy gets you so far, sitting the person’s seat is something very different.
Being pretty useless physically and mentally at present has given me a much better understanding of my mum’s frustrations and other related matters.
1) There are many daily things I cannot do at present. I can see things which need doing but are beyond me. I need to await my sister or brother visiting to move them forward. Frustrating but soon I will be back on my feet so to speak. For my mother tasks she can no longer do either physically or mentally cause her frustration. I realise more now that help, support and smoothing words only help mitigate those feelings to a degree. My inability is time limited, for mum those abilities are just gone. I will try to remember how I now feel and hopefully I can use it to increase my understanding of matters in future. A night in hospital on a busy ward meant no sleep, combined with a largely sleepless night before the surgery. I find myself fuzzy on the pain killers and lack of sleep. Struggling to remember why I came into the kitchen, what was I going to do next, etc. Frustrating but if I concentrate I can recall most times, it has not just completely gone as my mum would say.
2) My sister and brother visit my mum and we mostly chat about the past where her memory is still good. I send them emails to explain how mum is getting on in detail. I sometimes wonder if they really fully appreciate how things are, remembering the controlled visits they have, which are limited in time, with safe subject matters. Well my sister coped very well with mum, using emotional blackmail when there was reluctance to take pills I was not giving her directly, etc. I now know at least one sibling has dealt with mum as she now is in the current moment, without me there to arrange the daily routines. Get pills taken, food eaten, fluids drunk not forgotten, answer repeated questions, see the explanation fail to stick beyond a minute, etc. Those hours did more to illustrate where we are at than any number of emails and both my siblings are supportive and love their mum.
Not an experience I am in a hurry to repeat. Mind you waking up periodically in recovery and facing a lovely pair of female eyes behind a face mask was one compensation. Am I feeling okay? Well yes the day is improving. Being asked later if I wanted a cup of tea and this being nothing to do with distraction. Not sure if I can say all that but sure beat coming round to Nora Batty. On a more serious note back home with mum and temporarily weakened physically and mentally has given me limited first hand experience of my mum’s world. A positive experience at one level but a sobering one as well. Empathy gets you so far, sitting the person’s seat is something very different.
