What you will do without her...
Dear Pied,
You describe so much of what I experienced with my own mum. But then, you always have.
How is it that she has battled on, 18 months after my lovely mum was freed from her illness? They were following parallel roads for so long, and I know that when I lost mum, you were thinking the parallels would continue, but they haven't. You have had more time with your mum, and I have had 18 months of loss. The pros and the cons...
I know what will lie ahead, in the broadest sense. Your relationship, from birth will, naturally, be unique and your memories will be your own, but what we share is a deep love and respect for the women who made us the women we are, and I believe you will follow a similar path to mine, as did our mums for so long. We will have the parallel roads. I've just gone a few junctions further...
So, it sounds as if your lovely mum is peaceful and nearly ready, and I remember this time being a bit like a pause button in my life. I knew she was going, and I knew she couldn't bounce back, but as the days and nights passed, each day seemed the same and the most ridiculous sense of denial set in. But, then one day (after 10 days) someone pressed the "play" button and the end of the story came.
So, what will you do without her...? If you're like me, and I know you are, you will feel this drive to make her proud of you. You will feel her presence and you will find enormous comfort from it. You will hear her words in your mind, and you will make decisions based on what she might have told you, and she will continue to have a huge presence in your everyday life.
You will miss her physical presence, and you will desperately miss her voice and touch, but you will spend much time saying her name and talking about her, keeping her name and memories alive and you will know that you live with no regrets about how you loved her and about how you cared for her. You will know that she is out of pain, and can finally be left alone. You'll know that no one can hurt her, and this will make you feel able to cope without her.
My mum is still with me everyday. I hear her, and sense her and I can talk to her when I wish, but knowing she is resting, and free from the cruelty of her illness is one of the comforts on which I have to cling. Doesn't mean the gaping hole in my life and the pain in my heart are any less, but I sense her relief and her smile that she is free.
Over time, I'm convinced you'll feel this too. There are a few big hurdles on the way, but you have a wonderful understanding husband, and you have so many friends, that when you wobble, you'll have strong support.
That, my lovely, is what you'll do without her, xxxxx