I have been quietly reading your thread without commenting but feel I must let you know your lovely mum is in my daily prayers. Brings back so many memories of my dad passing several years ago. Just re-lit my candles xx
The ups and downs...the calm then the storms. I know how hard this is, I really do, and I wish I could spare you the pain, because I know how much it hurts. When it seems unbearable, just think yourself into the future, not even the far future, when this pain is over for everyone. It's not wrong to want it over, because you know there's no way back and your one and only aim is for any suffering to stop. That includes yours too, my sweet.
As death approaches, there will be harrowing times as well as serene and beautiful ones. While it is peaceful, gather yourself and gather your strength, for the awful times come out of nowhere and catch you by surprise, but they are part of the body packing up. They are often, to be expected. The journey's end has been so beautiful, for the most part, and I know this will be what you choose to remember. I can gather up the harrowing memories, if I dig deep enough, but they are buried so far down, that they are jumbled and not thought through. That's because I made, and still make, that decision not to sort them through. I don't need to. I lived them once, and don't ever want to re-live them again. But the sitting, stroking, holding hands and soothing...that, I will remember, and so will you.
It will be over soon, and although the pain of loss will have to be faced, I know you can face it because you'll have peace in your heart. You want your mum to rest, and be free. You want her to be left alone.
I could never say I am glad my mum has passed away. Never. But knowing what her life would be like if she was still living now turns me cold. I get warmth and comfort that she is safe now. It's one of the strongest feelings I've had since I lost her. It's like I can smile when I feel her safe from harm, from pain, confusion and from vulnerability. It's what makes me function.
Your mum is so close to safety, and over the next few days she will be left alone to be peaceful, for the first time in many years. Leaving her, and losing her really hurts, but to keep her here, like this, hurts more. That's what you're feeling now.
We have had a hopeful chat with M and she thinks Mum has about another 3 hours at most to live. Mind you I said I was told that over a week ago. Well don't hold me to it she said but she said she had a 6th sense about it.
I so hope she is right. The 3 hours is up at 2 am.
Wishing the next few hours to be peaceful for your dear Mum. I shall look in again before I eventually go to bed. Now I am going to light another candle as the present one will soon burn out.
I remember vividly those ever slowing breaths of my Mum's towards the end, and how my heart felt to stop beating as I held my own breath wondering if another would come.... The longest pause of long pauses was before the last one.
Sending my love as always and may peace be with all three of you.