1. Chickenchick

    Chickenchick New member

    Nov 22, 2018
    My partners dad has started having accidents. I did his washing last week and all his pants were very full of poo. He denies having a problem so its very difficult to suggest he wears pads or incontinence pants. Does anyone have any advice on how to broach the subject with him. He always wears light coloured trousers so far its not come through but there has been times when we've been out and he doesn't want to sit down and I suspect this is the reason. I have no idea how to deal with the situation so any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    NORTHSIDE Registered User

    Jan 28, 2017
    Hi sorry to hear of your problems. My wife had similar problems, I think it was largely due to not being cleaned after visiting the loo rather than incontinence. But I was changing trousers and bed sheets on almost a daily basis for a few weeks. I tried using pull up disposable pants but these were rejected the first few times they were offered. But with perseverance they have become the norm and are now accepted after a shower without question. Good luck and best wishes.
  3. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    I would try swapping all regular pants for the disposable pants.
  4. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    Hi, Chickenchick, sorry to hear of your difficulty. I'm in a similar position with my mum. Like NORTHSIDE, I feel mum isn't cleaning herself properly, rather than incontinence. I haven't used disposable pants yet, but feel I need to investigate. Do they come in different "absorbencies, does anyone know?
  5. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Yes, they do. Your chemist could point you in the right direction. I used to go for SUPER absorbancy and that was pretty good.
    warmest, Kindred.
  6. anxious annie

    anxious annie Registered User

    Jan 2, 2019
    Thanks for the advice, Kindred
  7. Chickenchick

    Chickenchick New member

    Nov 22, 2018
    Thank you so much for your replies everyone. I don't think we'd be able to swap his pants for disposable ones without him kicking up a big fuss as he keeps saying we're bossing him about and treating him like a child. Today has been a very hard day. We had our first episode of aggression. It was very upsetting for my partner and his Mum. His mum had gone round there to go to the bank with B and he flew into an aggressive tirade, she phoned my partner in tears and B was still shouting in the background. We both rushed round there and I took his mum out to lunch while he spent time with his dad. It's hard for my partner because he's a self employed decorator, had had just started a new house today and had to come away, he can't keep doing that. We recently moved B back from Tenerife where he'd been living and got him a privately rented flat and have carers go in in the mornings. I don't think we can cope with this level of care for much longer and may have to think about a home but it's so hard. I think he would just sink into a deep depression if we went down the residential care route.
  8. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    Could you add to or alter the care hours to make it work better? My mother started with carers for 4 hours in the morning, then I added an extra hour in the early evening. And then another. That allowed her to stay at home for 18 months before going into a care home. However every person is different, and my mother did not have toileting problems while she was at home. My mother has not needed any medication but I believe meds can work well to calm aggression so it could be worth investigating that route.

    If you move him to a care home you might be surprised at how he adapts. No one would ever volunteer for it, and relatives usually have a negative view of it - I certainly did. But my mother has now been in a care home for nearly a year and she loves it, there is always someone to reassure and help her. I suspect the aggression can be due to fear and anxiety and not being able to cope, even though they don't express it those terms. In a different, safe, environment that anxiety can sometimes dissipate.
  9. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions about what a person with dementia needs rather than what they want. My MIL had carers in privately but she went steadily downhill with bowel incontinence and eventually ended up in hospital with dehydration. Coupled with the agression and not remembering where the bathroom was in her own home, was the tipping point for more supervision which means alternative accommodation. It was the best decision we made for her. My husband and I were struggling with coping, no other family members willing to help and there simply was no choice but to place her somewhere safe.

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