1. liz stott

    liz stott Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    My mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. I have had to put her into respite care, as I am also my husbands carer ( he has spinal stenosis and is awaiting an op) my mum is not settling in the residential home. She didn't want to go into respite and on Saturday afternoon when my daughter and I took her was horrendous . My mum has been living with us for the last 4 months but I have got to the stage of not being able to cope with much more from her. She wanted to put her house up for sale which we did (thinking we would build a granny flat on the side of ours for her, but she doesn't want that, she doesn't want to feel seperate from us)
    The sale of her house is going through and I can't bring myself to go and see her.
    I have no siblings, and don't want to keep mithering my daughter as she has her own family to see to .
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015

    Hello, Liz, and a warm welcome to TP. I hope you will find it a source of information, advice, and support, as I've done over the past year.

    I'm very sorry to hear about your challenging situation. Being a caregiver is never easy and double duty must be very difficult and tiring for you.

    I think it's very reasonable for you to have found a respite placement for your mother. I'm sure it's not what anyone's first choice would be, but please do try to remember that your mother is being looked after and cared for, in respite.

    I'm especially sorry to hear that your mother is not settling well into respite. While it's not uncommon, it definitely does NOT make things any easier for anybody. It sounds as though she has only been there for a couple of days, which of course isn't nearly enough time to settle. As another only child who has been there with moving a difficult mother into care, please don't berate yourself if you do not visit your mother for a day or two or three. You can keep in touch with the staff via phone, to get updates on how she is doing. If there is an emergency, they will contact you. The point of respite, after all, is to allow you to have time for things you need and want to do, not to place the person in respite and then spend 24 hours a day with them! As you are a carer for your husband, I am sure you have your hands full.

    Dementia is very challenging. No one here will judge you if it turns out you are not suited, or able, to provide 24/7 care for your mother indefinitely by yourself. Some people do, and some people don't, and nobody can be a sole carer, without help, indefinitely, and not suffer from it. If and when a care home becomes necessary, it does. I am not sure how you could possibly manage to care for your husband after his surgery and your mother at the same time with no assistance. I wonder if you might consider a respite placement for your mother, until your husband has recovered somewhat from his op.

    Others here, in the UK, can give you better advice about how to access help, such as day care, carers cafes, lunch clubs, in-home carers, attendance allowance, and so forth. I would encourage you to reach out for help and support for both your mother, and yourself.

    I can also tell you that you're definitely not the only, only child on these boards. There are a number of us here and we know what it's like, to have to do this alone.

    I'm sorry I don't have better advice, but did want to welcome you and respond. Best wishes to you and your family.
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi Liz, welcome to TP
    I can see you're not in a very good place at the moment. Have you asked the staff what she's like when you're not there, I daily have the chance to watch visitors leave the unit my wife is in and some people really "play up" (bad choice of words maybe) when their visitors leave, however, 5 minutes later it's all forgotten and they're sat watch Deal or no Deal on the TV and having a cup of tea, so I'd ask the staff what it's like when you're not there.
    I wonder at the wisdom of the granny flat (personally I'd sell it to her as an extension for her new bedroom) the logistics of having all that building work done and the mess it will make while trying to cope with your mother and your husband isn't going to be easy. The house next door to me is having a full internal make over at the moment and the noise is horrendous, vans and trucks coming and going, radio blasting out, hammering, drilling and all the rest, it's no joke.
    If you do add a granny flat remember the council may see it as a separate household and may want council tax and should your mother vacate for any reason that would be down to you. There are certain rules like if it has it's own: bathroom, front door, food preparation area and other things that can define it as a separate dwelling.
    Personally I'd contact social services and get an assessment done and see what they recommend, you don't have to do what they say but you don't have to follow their advice as she'll be self funding and I'd give it a few days in respite, her attitude may change after a few days.
    You sound like you're under a lot of pressure at the moment so have some "me time" and come on here for a chat about anything, anytime we're all here and on your side.
  4. liz stott

    liz stott Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    Thank you

    It's so reassuring to know People understand.
    Going to contact social services again tomorrow and my GP
    Definitely need some professional guidance
    Thanks again
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I agree with Kevin I'd persuade her it is an extra bedroom with some great facilities. I'd then sort out day care via a social services assessment - day care is my lifeline. It's a win win, might taking some very strong persuasion but worth it.
    This is always a stressful time, so many decisions to be made etc. Do you have a close friend/s around? You do need to try to make some space for yourself.

    Sometimes things escalate and then we block everything and need to take a step back. It is as difficult for your Mum as it is for you and particularly because she doesn't really understand. I'm an only child too but to be honest reading some of the posts on here I am quite glad - I agree it is pressurised having to make all the decisions but I think it is easier than trying to fight siblings lol

    Somewhere in there you need to make space for yourself
    Have you tried the local carers cafe - another one of my lifelines because people just understand
    keep posting lots of support here x
  6. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    Hi Liz and welcome.

    You have an awful load to carry. Your Mum will probably settle into Respite after a while. This sounds hard but maybe you need to visit her less often for a while. You can always keep in touch with the staff. You need to have her in respite now. You can't do everything. Don't feel guiltyabout it. You are doing your best.

    Virtual hugs from Ireland


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