1. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    hi, hope im posting this in the correct place, im looking for some advice really.

    my dad was diagnosed with alzheimers about 2 and a half yrs ago, he moved into sheltered accomadation as he and my mum are seperated and my sister could no longer care for him. He was living near some older sisters of who i dont overly no or get on with. He was then sectioned after some violent out bursts and was putting into a mental hospital, this was about 6 months ago,i never really had a close relationship with my dad, andresented him for many things so haven't seen him much.

    Whilst in the mental hospital he deteriated fast and wasput onto a medical ward where his care was not to a high standard and he caught MRSA. He is now clearing of that and has various other infections but has moved wards.

    Before he was sectioned we had a bit of an arguement and i wrote him a letter telling him i resented him and that i hated him, (i regret this now) then he was sectioned and about a month ago i went to see him but he slept the whole time, and i cryed alot as when i entered i barely recognized my tall well built father who now lay as a boney frail man, i then went back to the hospital today, i was stared at blankly and had to leave after ten minutes as my emotions took over, he looked at lot worse than before.

    I can't begin to describe it, it was literally skin covering bone, hecant talk he murmers, he doesnt eat or drink and you could tell from his face he was in pain.

    I later found out, that he is no longer having treatment, as he is not in sane mind, my elder sister mad the decission that they would let nature take its course, and not give him any treatment other than minimum morthen to chill the pain, surely my sister and the hospital do not have the right to make this decission?

    i've tried argueing but everyones answer is do u want him to live and suffer, thats not what i want, i want him die comfortably and not in pain, but apparently as i didnt live with him growing up and sixmonths ago said i hated him i dnt havethe right to make any decissions?

    please help is there anything i can do so that hecan have better care taken of him?

    I've considering going to a solicitor, but im only 15 and i have no one backing meso with lack of money and support, am i going to haveto sit bac and let it happen this way?

    And also deep down will my dad no i truely i love him, as in my letter i said even though i hated him i still loved him. will he die knowing this deep down or will he die thinking i hate him? i probably cant go to the hospital and i didnt have chance to tell him today.

    please help all advice will be truely appreciated.
     
  2. Morny

    Morny Registered User

    Oct 11, 2007
    15
    Gloucestershire
    Hi Laura

    It must be such a difficult time for you. Nobody likes to see a loved one deteriorate.

    I'm sure the reason that you appear to have little say in your dad's care and the decision making is not because of the letter you wrote, but more that you are under 16 or maybe 18.

    I expect your dad will have realised that you were angry at the time you wrote to him. We all know a lot of things are said and not meant in the heat of the moment.

    I'm afraid I can't offer any helpful advice, but just wanted you to know somebody is listening to you

    Love M x
     
  3. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    thank you for your reply its nice to know people care and listen, i didnt realise how many people had dementia till i found this site,
    thank you
     
  4. nemesisis

    nemesisis Registered User

    May 25, 2006
    100
    laura92

    so sorry to read your post and can only offer what I belive
    from my experiance although a person with alzheimers may not recognise you I have found that my mum smiles when I kiss her and say I love you - so I belive deep down in her spirit she knows its me
    so bless if you love someone kiss them say you love them and in your case laura live your life how you want - guilt should be removed from the dictionary x
     
  5. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear laura,
    We all say things in our lives when under stress although we dont not mean it. You are so young to have to deal with this herrendouse illness but there are many in the same position as you. Your father probably would not have remember anything about the letter. On Talking Point we refer to the GUILT and this is so common when dealing with Alzheimer's.
    Your life is probably in turmoil at the present but as your sister is older than you, she is in a better position for dealing with the powers that be. If you can, sit with your dad, hold his hand and tell him you love him. With this illness we never can tell what goes in and what doesn't.
    I wish you all the best. Someone is always here 24/7, Christine
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,878
    Kent
    Dear Laura.

    I`m so sorry it`s all so distressing for you.

    Forget about the letter, if your father has Alzheimers he will surely have forgotten it long ago.

    We all say or do things we regret. You are young, you are human and you seem to have had a lot of problems in your young life. You are allowed to make mistakes.

    The decision to let nature take its course has been made because your father is very ill and has little or no quality of life. I do not think these decisions are made without thought.

    If you can bear it, visit your father whenever you can. You may not ever know how much he sees and hears, or whether or not he knows you are there, but it might make you feel better that you are doing something.

    He might look as if he is in pain, but the pain may be from inside, because he is so confused and unhappy. Ask the staff what they think. They will tell you.

    Please let us know how you are. Talking Point is always here for you and everyone will understand your unhappiness.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  7. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    Thank you for all your advice,

    I tried talking to two nurses both of who said they were too busy to tlk.

    EVen though i left after ten minutes, my mum and sister stayed for nearly two hours, and in that time they didnt see a nurse or doctor chck on my dad it wasnt till they were leaving that they finally spoke ot a dr who said they were letting nature take its course and ,

    one thing that annoys me most is that as my father is not eating or drinking should he not be put on a drip, because in my eyes i believe this is inhumane and they aren't letting nature take its course, they are fact starving him to death.

    Maybe im blowing it all out of proportion but surely a patient with alzhemiers who has been on a mentalward and is deteriating fast she be checked on often, not left for hours on end why the nurses stand at the nurses station drinking tea.
    I no hospitals are understaffed and have a lot of work to do but surely this is wrong.

    thnk you for all you support
    best wishes to all
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,878
    Kent
    I`m afraid I saw this for myself, when my mother was in hospital. She was in a side room by herself, in a bed with the sides up, and her legs dangling over the top, as if she`d tried to get out of bed. The door was open so she could be seen by nursing staff, but no-one went to try to make her more comfortable.

    I wrote a letter of complaint and received an apology, for what it was worth.
     
  9. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    If I could give a hug, I would

    Dear Laura,
    Have you got an Alzheimer's Branch near you? If not try down loading information from the Alzheimer's page, they have lots of information there. It is a terrible position to be in I know, there are so many here on Talking Point going through the same and those who have yet to reach that stage.
    Although you have seen the nurses standing drinking tea, they have been down the path so many times and they also have long hours caring for your Dad, so please do not think that people do not care. As for treatment - if your Dad was rigged up with tubes and it prolonged his life you would be devest5ated at that. I only wish I was able to give you a big cuddle, you are only a year older than my Grandaughter. This is only a suggestion, but can you sit down and write down positive and non positive things? If may help but to understand this herrendous illness it is so dificult.
    Please let us know how you are and your Dad. Take Care. God Bless. Christine
     
  10. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    Thank you for all your advice

    i haven't really looked into an alzhemiers branch, but i will look into it now thank you

    all my love
    laura
    x
     
  11. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Laura,

    What a caring girl you are. And showing maturity quite beyond your age. I am sure that many people on this site will learn from your messages.

    You are going through what many of us do, not knowing what is best, dealing with the views of other relatives, listening to the medics and trying to come to terms with it all.

    As many people have said, forget about the letter you sent. We all do things we regret when we are stressed. Even me at 55! I probably always will. Your dad will probably have forgotten it, and if you can manage to visit again and tell him you love him (you don't have to use those words, if they are too emotional for you, try and think of something he did for you, like "I remember when you taught me to ride my bike", or "I remember us watching xxxxx on the telly").

    You should not be excluded just because you are only 15, or because you wrote him the letter. Why not ring the hospital and make an appointment to talk to the Sister (you don't need to say you are only 15, just say you haven't seen your dad in a while and would like to speak with her), and explain that you didn't have a good relationship with your dad in the past, but you want to try and come to terms with the situation, and could she spend a short while to explain what is happening to him. You sound to be mature enough to ask for that, all credit to you for trying.

    As regards the decision to let nature take it's course, I can't really advise, I've never been through that. At 15, you are probably not able to influence the decisions which are being taken, but to be honest, it probably sounds as if those decisions are the right ones anyway. The medical staff will not let your dad suffer, the non-introduction of fluids is possibly part of that, and in some cases it can be more distressing for the patient to have artificial interference with the body than not. I know my mother in law could have had a tube to her stomach to introduce nutrition, but the task of inserting it would have been very distressing and painful, so it was never done.

    Laura, you no doubt have the urge to make it all okay, both for your dad and for you, but I think if you accept the situation, go and sit with him, talk to him (he will hear you, hearing is apparently the last sense to go, so I am told), he might not respond, but he will have heard you. That is the best you can do.

    And as with all things in life, you can only do your best.

    I hope you can come to terms with this, I wish you every bit of luck.

    I wonder if there is a need for a Teenagers section on this website for people of your age who are coping with the problems of grandparents and in your case parents? Perhaps the Moderators can advise if that would be useful.

    We adults often ignore teenagers, and we shouldn't. Even children as young as 8 or 9 have valid views and worries. Just a thought. Can a moderator please come in here and advise?

    Much love to you Laura, you deserve it.

    Tell us what happens. We are here all the time.

    Margaret
     
  12. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    hi thank you for your support, and i think a teenagers part would be a good idea, as aot of young people i guess dnt no how to express themselves. thankyou for you your king love and support
    all my love
    laura
    x
     
  13. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Laura,I am in tears reading your post.What can I say?What i can say is that you are an extremley brave person and i commend you.Life is a compendium,it challenges us to beat it,all the tricks in the trade are played,and then we end up with not enough cards in our hand to beat it.play your best cards babe,it's all we can do.lots of love and tears streaming elainex
     
  14. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    thank you very much, ive left life get me down before, but it isnt going to happen again, im gonna fight every obsticle possible, am i going to succeed in life and make my dad proud of me, i know he wont be alive as he's got only an estimated four weeks left, but i know he will look down from heaven and be proud of me. i will make sure of it.
    thank so much for you love and support and sorry for making you cry.
    all my love
    laura
    x
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Laura,

    I'm quite sure your dad is already very proud of his kind, caring daughter.

    I'm sure your dad won't be suffering, the morphine will keep the pain down, and if there is no treatment that will help him, you wouldn't want to prolong his life artificially, would you.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are.

    Love,
     
  16. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Laura,i haven't been through this and can only send my love and courage to you.god bless and keep in touch love elainex.
     
  17. laura92

    laura92 Registered User

    Aug 28, 2007
    47
    Bucks
    thank you, i will keep in touch,
    thank you for all you kind replys
    all my love
    xx
     

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