1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Faith

    Faith Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    9
    I am so in need of help!!!!!!!!! Is anyone able to help me with this problem.

    My father put mum into a home for some respite care and although it is awful my father realised he could not cope and had the care extended for another 3 weeks. My father was told even two weeks ago that she could stay there as they all loved her. During mums 5 weeks there she went missing, fell twice and smashed her face very badly. She has lost 1 stone in weight. Tonight my father was distraught. The home rang him and told him that she can no longer stay there because she walks about all the time, kisses people and sings My my my delihla all the time and the other residemnts don't like it. She was not like this before she went in. She shares a room and keeps the other lady awake most of the night. Where do we go from here because all the homes are private and I feel so hopeless. There must be somewhere that will look after her. She has worked all her life and given so much to others. I am not coping, I am the main bread winner in my family and can not even go part time at work even though I would love to, and worst of all I am hating my dad for not coping too. Help! Please!!!!
     
  2. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Faith and welcome to TP

    It's an awful situation to be in Faith - have you tried contacting Social Services as they should be able to help with homes in the area. I can't believe that your Mum has to share a room! My Mum's been in a home for over a year now, and we were fortunate to get her in a new one that had just been built. Everything is new, bright and airy. She has her own room and even her own toilet/sink. You should be able to check on the web as well for places in your area.

    Try not to blame your dad too much - it must be extremely difficult to live with someone 24/7, although I know there's a lot of people at TP who do.

    Not sure what happens with finances - my dad died, so Social Services are paying for the home until we sell the house.

    Also try talking to her doctor - see if they can offer any advice.

    Not much help I'm afraid - I'm sure other people here will provide more help.

    Libs
     
  3. Faith

    Faith Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    9
    Thank you

    Thank you for your kind reply. I don't know if I will ever feel normal again. I feel sick and cry a great deal of the time. The mum I know is gone and I am not able to make it better. Having this site though is a great help and I thank you again for caring even though you have a great deal going on in your own life. THANK YOU.
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    #4 Lynne, Jun 26, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2006
    Faith, you are right, there must be. It sounds as if she needs to be in a residential home for patients with EMI needs (Elderly Mentally Infirm) and she needs it now, as you realise. It's a case of making contact with the right people.

    Mother's Doctor, and/or his secretary
    the district CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse),
    the Social Worker for your Mum, or for the home she has been in
    and not forgetting your local branch of the Alzheimer's Society.

    Don't play down the problems, lay them out just as you have said in this (and previous) posts = warts, incontinence and all.

    Mum's condition has gone beyond that with which you, your sister or your Dad can be expected to cope. Mum now needs professional care, and there's no shame in that. Your Dad has carried a huge burden of care for a long time, until finally he could no longer do so. There's no shame in that either, and no reason for it to drive a wedge between you.

    It's a horrid thing to have to accept that Mum will not return to the family home again, but accept it you must, and focus on getting her in the best alternative.

    Best wishes
     
  5. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Faith - sorry I'm not reading the posts in any sort of order (I've been totally disorganised at work all day today as well:( ) Didn't realise that you'd posted earlier in the month.

    I've just read your other post and I think it's awful that you feel you mum isn't been looked after. There have been times when I've goine to see mum and I've thought there was a bit of a whiff. I've talked to the nursing staff as they have it all written down, when she last had a bath etc and in her case, it had been difficult to get her to consent - I know she can be extremely stubborn when she gets it in her head that she doesn't want to do something.

    Can you get her doctor to go and see her in the home, and try to arrange to be there at the same time to voice your concerns. Was the Doctor called when she fell and hit her face?

    You do need to try and build up some sort of rapport with the staff at the home - someone once said on tp that if you get on well with the staff, they'll think more of your mum. It shouldn't be like that, but I understood what they were saying.

    Take care

    Libs
     
  6. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Faith,
    In the morning I would contact your mum and dad's GP and explain to him the situation, that the Home are saying that they cannot manage your mum's condition, and that your dad cannot care for her at home any longer.
    Do they have a social worker? If so contact them and say that an emergency situation has arisen, and if they have a CPN I would speak to them as well. Is there a local Alzheimers Society or Help the Aged in dad's area, contact them.

    I would not collect your mum from the home, as whilst she is there they will also put pressure on the authorities for a solution to be found. There will be somewhere for your mum to be cared for; some privately run homes take people who are being financed by the local authority.

    Try and keep a calm head. Reassure your dad that tomorrow you will speak to the various agencies, and something will be sorted. He must be terrified that he is going to have to care for mum full time again - and he knows that he has come to the end of his tether and cannot do it. Faith you have two parents and it sounds as though both are very vulnerable and in your dad's case, very frightened. You have to stop blaming him - you have to work together to organise the best care that you can for your mum - and if she has escaped, fallen and lost a stone in 5 weeks, it doesn't sound as though you have yet found that for her.

    You are in for a tense few days, but you will sort it.
    Let us know how you get on. Love
    Helen
     
  7. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Faith - just an afterthought

    At the time when your Mum first went into the nursing home (for respite), was she taking any dementia related medication? It sounds as if her behaviour suddenly changed, and I just wondered if her meds. had been forgotten (especially since their 'care' of her seems to have been a bit lax, to say the least!). Or could the doctor responsible for residents there have stopped her meds. without telling anyone in the family? That's been known, more than once.

    Sweetheart, don't beat yourself up about not being able to make it better, that's the Guilt Monster which rides us all torturing you.
    Yes, when we love someone we feel we should be able to "make it better", like Mum did for us when we skinned our knees, but in real life there is a limit to what you can do. You, and Dad, have reached that limit. You have nothing to blame yourselves for.
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Faith,
    Just wondering how you are getting on?
    Love
    Helen
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #9 Margarita, Jun 28, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2006
    I am wondering to, as I was reading down I was going to say don’t take your mum out, but see that Amy said it. Hope you contacted social worker as they must be the people who arrange for your mum to go in to respite. Hope you do find a better care home while she stay there, as that care home sounds horrible, so what if you’re mum like singing. Its them that are not giving her the care she needs then turning it back on you, one min saying she ok she can stay then the next see has to go . I can understand your dad it is so tempting to leave a love one in a respite, but if your dad can’t cope its best that his honest with you before it affect his heath.

    PS

    Am going all guity now & have to explain. what I mean when I said so tempting .

    As in the past when I was looking after my brother, mum went into emergency respite I had not had a real respite for a long time so as it drag on looking after my brother I like the feeling of the freedom with out mum at home, so wanted her to stay for good , but it seem that the only way I was going to get any help moving my brother into supporting housing was getting the help from my mum social worker who would only help me get my brother moved ,was because mum wanted to come home. If mum never came home I would be still looking after my brother .
     
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Faith, Just wondering how things are going with your mum. Has she moved care home, or have things settled down?
    Love Helen
     

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