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Please help

MamaBear1

New member
Apr 14, 2021
2
0
Hi, I joined Talking Point this week as I just don’t know how best to cope and am hoping people can offer me some advice.

Our father (83 years old) was diagnosed last year with Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. As his primary carer, I have been trying to cope for the last year but am recently finding it hard to do so. I don’t know how to deal with the episodes he has? I have been reading books about “going along” with the person’s thoughts/feelings but when dad continually insists day after day that “we need to go to the bank to give Alan £5000” (he doesn’t’t know an Alan) or that “there is a Sesna waiting outside to take me to New York.”

I’m at a loss to know what to do. Do I go along with it as some of the books suggest? If this is the case, in reality I can’t just go to a bank with dad and withdraw £5000 and give it to an imaginary person. I can’t take him outside and pretend there’s a plane there... can I?

Please please please can someone help me? Thank you.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,400
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @MamaBear1

No you can't always go along with their delusions but I found, with my dad, that telling him I'd already done whatever, or we'd do it tomorrow often worked to calm him down.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,170
0
leicester
Hi @MamaBear1 welcome to DTP
Normally I would suggest the going along route but clearly that is not going to work in this instance!
So my thoughts distraction, ‘you payed Alan yesterday’ and change the subject quickly the plane um I have no idea! He has a vivid imagination doesn’t he?
Have you talked with his GP to see if medication might help?
I hope other members might have better ideas than me.
I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post for support and to share your experiences...
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,051
0
N Ireland
Hello @MamaBear1.

I don't know if you've come across the thread that can be found by clicking the following link. It contains some useful tips
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,231
0
Yorkshire
hello @MamaBear1
a warm welcome from me too

I wonder if your dad has been watching TV and become over absorbed so has transferred something from a programme to his own life ... that might explain him 'remembering' things that haven't actually happened to him .... I know at times I had to be careful about what my dad watched eg no news, no action films, no detective fiction etc ... over time I worked out what he could happily watch and we stuck to a schedule of those

the 'going along' with doesn't mean completely agreeing with ... so eg say 'thanks for reminding me dad, I can transfer that amount online, I'll just go and do that, it'll save a trip into town so how about a coffee and cake (or any distraction) instead, I'll put the kettle on' and walk away .... for the cesna 'blow me down, dad, that's not due today, I'll phone them and sort it out' ... leave the room, if necessary have a fake conversation, then make a drink, go back in and simply say 'all sorted' and suggest some other activity, if he pushes it, you can show him no plane outside so they got your message .... give him little chance to respond in any way, only use statements or closed questions that he can agree with and move on ... be ready to take the blame for things and apologise as that takes the pressure off him ... and be ready for anything to backfire, so have a get out ready eg 'oh sorry, I misunderstood/misheard, silly me, give me a minute as I need to pop to the loo and I'll be with you' then leave him for a while, returning with a distraction and not raising the subject if he doesn't .... nothing always works, so you have to be a bit of an actor and improvise
 
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Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,517
0
Absolutely what @Shedrech said. I almost always agreed with dad, I might have added a 'really, well I will have to sort that out for you in the morning'

Delay, delay, defer, blame everyone else or accept that it is your fault entirely and you can always sort that out tomorrow morning.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
130
0
it sounds also like you’re getting to the end of your tether... distraction is the best technique for most things dementia... the nurses have found that if they compliment mums looks she calms right down...

but if you’re exhausted it’s really hard to be this agile all the time.... can you plan a date night ( even just for yourself? ) or a day out away, or even a cheap hotel away... just to let your brain and body breathe?

resilience is hard when your cup is already empty, you need to fill it up with things that help you be you, remember who you sre, treat yourself. even if it’s just an intentional movie night on the couch with popcorn and cheap wine.

youcant keep giving if you have nothing left to give...
 

HardToLetGo

Registered User
Oct 10, 2020
22
0
it sounds also like you’re getting to the end of your tether... distraction is the best technique for most things dementia... the nurses have found that if they compliment mums looks she calms right down...

but if you’re exhausted it’s really hard to be this agile all the time.... can you plan a date night ( even just for yourself? ) or a day out away, or even a cheap hotel away... just to let your brain and body breathe?

resilience is hard when your cup is already empty, you need to fill it up with things that help you be you, remember who you sre, treat yourself. even if it’s just an intentional movie night on the couch with popcorn and cheap wine.

youcant keep giving if you have nothing left to give...
It's hard, you are doing a great job. Can other relatives or carers maybe lend a hand to support you? Take care.
 

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
22,427
0
North Manchester
Changing the topic and picking up on 'in reality I can’t just go to a bank with dad and withdraw £5000' do you have LPA (lasting power of attorney) for your father?
In case you are unaware of LPA it is when a person with capacity grants another person power to act on their behalf if they later loose capacity.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,231
0
Yorkshire
hi @MamaBear1
thinking of nitram's 'in reality' .... do you live with your dad and know all his visitors and phone calls ... not wishing to cause undue worry but sadly there are those who try to scam vulnerable elders, so worth keeping an eye out

LPAs are definitely worth organising
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
130
0
yeah mum was getting scammed on the phone a lot so i had to change her banking password to something she didn’t know. she could still use her card, but they couldn’t access her account
 

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
22,427
0
North Manchester
yeah mum was getting scammed on the phone a lot so i had to change her banking password to something she didn’t know. she could still use her card, but they couldn’t access her account
If you make a note of the 3 digits on the back of the card and then scratch them of she won't be able to authorise any scam online requests for payments.