Please help - visiting issues x

[AVee]

Hello,

My step-grandma married my grandad way before I was born. She has always been in my life and we have always been close. My grandad died in 2009 and at the time my grandma was starting with Alzheimer's. She lived in sheltered accommodation but we visited often. It was at the time of my Grandad reaching his later stages of illness that my grandma's son, who I had never seen and never visited, became present after learning they had a considerable amount of savings.

Shortly after my grandad's passing my grandma was moved from her house. We had no contact details for her son, no idea where he lived and no idea where he moved her to. In fact, we only knew she had been taken when we went down one day to find the house empty and her and my grandad's belongings left outside.

Fast forward 10 years and after many years of searching I've finally found my grandma. Since this I've been visiting her in the care home she resides in. I do not want anything from her, only to see her. She does not ever become upset or agitated when I'm present but her son has now told the home I'm not allowed to visit.

I can only presume he has POA over both finances and welfare but surely, unless he has stipulated a safeguarding issue, then he can't stop me?

I hope this makes sense. I was heartbroken leaving her there yesterday. I have no way of contacting him and all I want to do is see her.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and support.

 

[Louise7]

Welcome to TP. It's a difficult situation but looking at it from her son's point of view, you haven't seen your step-grandma for 10 years and have now tracked her down and are visiting her without his agreement. If he doesn't want you to visit her then it's not unreasonable for the care home to respect his wishes. Can you leave a letter or your contact number/email address at the home and ask them to pass it on to him?

 

[AVee]

Welcome to TP. It's a difficult situation but looking at it from her son's point of view, you haven't seen your step-grandma for 10 years and have now tracked her down and are visiting her without his agreement. If he doesn't want you to visit her then it's not unreasonable for the care home to respect his wishes. Can you leave a letter or your contact number/email address at the home and ask them to pass it on to him?

Thank you for replying. I've left a contact number. The only reason why we haven't seen her for 10 years is because he took her without out knowledge and without leaving any form of contact or information as to where she would be. I was only a teenager at the time so didn't really know where to even begin the search. It was not what I ever wanted.

 

[Philbo]

A sad situation for you.

Perhaps you could sit down with the care home manager to discuss the situation from your viewpoint? You could consider writing a letter to your step-Nan's son, explaining how you have missed seeing her and reassuring him that your interests are honourable and compassionate.

If the CH manager was willing to assist, maybe they could facilitate some sort of meeting so you could all try and agree a solution.

You don't say if you have already tried this before so forgive me if you have.

Good luck.
Phil

 

[Sirena]

I was told by the CH manager that if someone is blocked from contact they can appeal through SS and request contact. I would imagine SS assess whether it is in the best interests of the person with dementia.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you for replying. I've left a contact number. The only reason why we haven't seen her for 10 years is because he took her without out knowledge and without leaving any form of contact or information as to where she would be. I was only a teenager at the time so didn't really know where to even begin the search. It was not what I ever wanted.

I'm writing from the perspective of someone who actively discouraged certain people to visit my mother-in-law. It isn't quite the same situation you are in but both my husband and I sought to block contact from my mother in laws ex neighbours.
When my mother-in-law was living at home with carer visits, she would get the occasional birthday or Christmas card from her ex neighbours who had always been very friendly to her over the years. Unfortunately my mother-in-law had always misinterpreted the relationship she had had with these particular people. I think they had occasionally given a supportive word to her or a friendly gesture and she had interpreted this as people who would come to her every need and even be her attorneys . As these people had so little contact with her once she left the area only perhaps seeing or visiting her once a year, they clearly had no idea that this was how she felt about them. After their once a year visit or once a year written letter, mother-in-law become extremely aggressive to the carers to family members this would go on for 2 or 3 weeks. She would demand that we give up our attorney ship, demand that we take her up to visit these people who lived in another part of the country saying that we never did anything for her, she was becoming rude and abusive. I'm sure that in their presence she was the complete hostess of course it would never appear that there was anything wrong with her.

There came a point where we had her mail redirected to us not necessarily because of these people for other reasons. We made the decision that when an item of post from these people arrived to our address, we would not give this to her because it just promoted further abuse and aggression and a lowering of mood . We were the people who are having to deal with it on everyday basis we decided this would be the best way to deal with it. When mother-in-law finally went into a care home last summer we did not inform these people where she had gone I could not have coped with the idea of these people arriving at the care home and then leaving mother-in-law in a depressed or aggressive state . Some people reading this forum may well think this was the wrong decision but we think we acted in my mother-in-law's best interests .
When my mother-in-law died in fact only a few weeks after her arrival at the care home I wrote to these people to tell them that she had passed away. Not one of those family members responded to my letter so that in fact showed me that they had not thought of my mother-in-law in the same way as she had of them. They would probably have been bewildered if they realised that she had thought that she was going to live with them and they were going to look after her.