Social services want to put my dad into a care home in the next few days n Im absolutely heartbroken. He lives alone and this has come about cos since the nights starteddrawing in his sleep patterns have gone to pot and he is sleeping in the early evening and then waking up at 3am and, unfortunately, proceeding to go out and knock on the neighbours doors. It seems so harsh to me, he has done it quite a few times but to be fair all in the space of 2 weeks. How do they know this isnt just another bad patch that will pass in a few days? He has lived in this neighbourhood all his life his whole life is here and they want him to move 20 miles away. How can they just enforce this without me getting a say? This is absolutely destroying me. They havent even given me enough time to think about options or come up with possible solutions that dont involve care. I feel like they are taking his life away on a whim. I know he is very unwell and it will have to happen oneday but why this sudden hurry, why not give me time to properly consider options? And right before xmas too. I think they are rushing it because a place has arisen in a really good home n they want him to go there but... what if a local home is more appropriate? Why rush to get him into a home 20 miles away that I actually cant even get to without 2 buses without even bothering to ask me?? Theyv said if he doesnt go voluntarily to this home (and he wont) he will be hospitalised. WHY?? His problem is psychological he is vety aware of his dementia n he struggles to deal with the emotions, its not a manifestation of his dementia per se. Should i try talking therapies n offer to move in with him while we try it out to reassure them hes safe?? The home is amazing and might do him so much good so part of me wants to go along with it but part of me thinks "Im not done here, there are still options" and feels that Ive let him down. Please help.
please help me
- Thread starter FiveWords
- Start date
Oh Five words, you sound so desperate. I honestly don't have a solution and hope someone will be along soon who can give advice but I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
20 miles and 2 buses for you to visit doesn't sound really appropriate but if you really like the home maybe you feel it would be worth the distance. Has your father ever mentioned the possibility of a care home?
2 weeks doesn't sound a long time for this to have been happening, I must say. Has the GP been involved, maybe he could help. Can SS just put someone in a home without their consent? I didn't think they could do that but my knowledge of this is shaky. I hope you get a better response on here soon. X
20 miles and 2 buses for you to visit doesn't sound really appropriate but if you really like the home maybe you feel it would be worth the distance. Has your father ever mentioned the possibility of a care home?
2 weeks doesn't sound a long time for this to have been happening, I must say. Has the GP been involved, maybe he could help. Can SS just put someone in a home without their consent? I didn't think they could do that but my knowledge of this is shaky. I hope you get a better response on here soon. X
You poor thing.... Have you been to look around the home with your dad before you rile it out? It might be worth doing.
Ask the social worker if your dad has been assessed as having capacity under the mental capacity act 2005, if he hasn't capacity must be assumed, regardless of his diagnosis. He therefore has the right to make his own decisions, regardless of whether ss de them to be risky or unwise. If they believe he is dangerous to those around him or himself they may be looking at hospitalisation which they can do without his consent under the mental health act. However, first and foremost your dad has a right to independent living, and this should be explored too -e.g home carers coming in etc... You can argue that it is against his human right to private and family life if they enforce residential care. Not providing him with any other option is very poor and suggests it is the preferred choice for SS's ease, not your dad's best interests.
Ask to explore other options, they shouldn't be fobbing you off with only this, nor effectively holding you to random over it. Can you try and access an advocacy service? Try googling advocacy in your local area.
Sorry this is a bit garbled, I'm out and about but saw your post and had to respond.
Take care,
Jo
Thankyou everyone. We are going to talk to the social worker because we are worried his behaviour is being misinterpreted. Noone making these decisions has actually even seen dad in the last couple of weeks* and they really dont understand him like we do. We understand his motivations for wandering and may be able to address some of them if given the chance. Also, we have found out it is possible to pay privately for a night sitter which would actually solve everything and dad has about 10k in the bank that he will just lose if he goes into care so going to see if we are allowed to buy him 6 months of allnight care instead. Incidentally, if anyone has any experience of home care at night we would like to hear them. At least if we try these things we can say we tried everything. You cant do more than that.
* lil sis: if you are reading this...EXCEPT JONATHAN!! Who he may well have been very rude to indeed...
* lil sis: if you are reading this...EXCEPT JONATHAN!! Who he may well have been very rude to indeed...
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A night carer may be the perfect solution to see if they can get him through the night, perhaps by keeping occupied and up a bit later, perhaps by the addition of some nighttime medication to get him back on track. My partner went through a stage of waking up at about 2am and wanting to chat. This seems to have stopped thank goodness. You also have to feel for the neighbours especially if they are having to get up to go to work.
Do you have Power of Attorney for him? Does he still have capacity? I think you need to get some advice about all of this, an advocate would be a very good idea.
Whats an advocate and how do I get one? Had to take Dad to the home today and am completely destroyed and nagged by doubts that I have done the right thing. He is SO aware. We explained to him why he was there in honest terms n without any dressing up or white lies or anything. We reasoned with him. and he understood. He UNDERSTOOD. He shouldnt be there if he understands. Want to go straight back n bring him home. This doesnt feel right. I want him home now 
Oh no fivewords, did you get to discuss it with the social worker? How awful for you :-(
An advocate will fight your corner so to speak, they can represent your dad's views/voice especially if he has difficulty expressing himself. It is to ensure that he is fairly represented in any decision making/plans that are made. You should be able to find one local to you, try googling advocacy + your area. Or if you post roughly where you are I'll have a look for you. Have you accessed any carers support services? They might be able to signpost you to an advocacy service.
Hope this helps,
Jo
An advocate will fight your corner so to speak, they can represent your dad's views/voice especially if he has difficulty expressing himself. It is to ensure that he is fairly represented in any decision making/plans that are made. You should be able to find one local to you, try googling advocacy + your area. Or if you post roughly where you are I'll have a look for you. Have you accessed any carers support services? They might be able to signpost you to an advocacy service.
Hope this helps,
Jo
Thankyou Joco that really helps. No i had absolutely no opportunity to speak to the social worker before moving him in. The issue was that a place became available in an amazing home where places dont come up v often and 2 people were competing forthe space. So we had to think about the possible negatives in the future of turning down the place just to give us time to think, especially when after thinking about it we may have dcided to go for a home anyway n then had to send him to an inferior one. So we decided on the home. And now I regret it. And I still dont understand why he needed to go there. I dont know what the social worker sees that I do not. He is not a danger to himself and even if he was, cant that be his decision? Cant he choose to take that risk? Sorry im rambling just absolutely distraught.
Advocates:
Contact your local AgeUK, Action for family Carers (they have changed their name as they merged with Crossroads but Google will show u contact details under their old name), Alzheimers Society - your local group should be able to point you in the right direction, MIND may also be able to advise.
I am taking a guess here but I think you may need a sounding board who isn't the SW, an advocate can stand with you and act as a mediator with SS, they are also superb at finding out answers such as what alternatives exist, there may be none.
I think I may know a bit about how you feel, I'm trying my hardest to keep parents away from the care system, it tears you apart mentally as well as physically.
Let us all know how you are getting on, there are masses of people here who are likely to understand, they may have very good suggestions.
Good Luck
Contact your local AgeUK, Action for family Carers (they have changed their name as they merged with Crossroads but Google will show u contact details under their old name), Alzheimers Society - your local group should be able to point you in the right direction, MIND may also be able to advise.
I am taking a guess here but I think you may need a sounding board who isn't the SW, an advocate can stand with you and act as a mediator with SS, they are also superb at finding out answers such as what alternatives exist, there may be none.
I think I may know a bit about how you feel, I'm trying my hardest to keep parents away from the care system, it tears you apart mentally as well as physically.
Let us all know how you are getting on, there are masses of people here who are likely to understand, they may have very good suggestions.
Good Luck
