• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Please help me!

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,514
South of the Border
I decided to type out some ideas with bullet points for the social worker on Monday.
My partner has spent much of the day trying to fix his bike - which may be a puncture, may be a valve, probably needs electricians tape, could be anything, or nothing - but it has kept him out of the house as he bumbles around.

He seems to have little thoughts, memories or ideas on what has been going on this last couple of weeks.

1) I move out if I can find somewhere
2) Social Services help locate a sheltered living situation that my partner would accept.
3) We move, with a support package, to a larger property where he can have his own room with his own en suite and space for a TV.

3) is my favourite at the moment, as it would mean a reasonable standard of living - we can between us afford about £900 rent per month, if I am careful. HIs ensuite would release me from having to share the bathroom with the contents of his stoma bag, and I might not be able to hear him in the night, and might get some sleep. If his TV was in his room - I would not be subjected to the neverending dross that he watches.

Obviously, I am still trying to work things out in my own mind. It has been a worrying and dramatic time, and I need, I think, to calm down a bit and try to get my thoughts into some sort of order........
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
494
Spend some time thinking and sleeping if you can. My only worry on option 3 would be what happens when he gets worse, which he will do. If you move then he is moved out to a home would you have to move again? I would carefully look at accommodation for one person; see what is available as at some point you could be on your own with your income. Sorry to be a bit blunt but as you are in thinking mode then work on a few other scenarios
 

Chaplin

Registered User
May 24, 2015
97
Bristol
Hello @maryjoan, taking a deep breath and thinking things through is a sensible approach after the last few weeks. Only you know what is right for you, my only thought would be, sadly dementia is progressive as we all know and you need to decide if you want to be a Carer now and in the future as things become even more challenging. Unfortunately most care packages amount to nothing more than a couple of hours in total, so the bulk of the care would still fall to you.
We are all thinking of you and hope you reach a decision which you are comfortable with and don’t feel looking after your ‘partner’ is your responsibility.
Hope you get some restful sleep, always helps with important decisions 🙂
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,435
Yorkshire
hi @maryjoan
to me, you are talking yourself back into this
please read back your posts, you need to keep in mind how dependent your OH is on you and how his children are not supporting you ... a full care package still leaves you with the vast majority of the day and doesn't lift the weight of dealing with all the unexpected situations
£900 a month is an almighty wack of money for no real certainty that this will work for a few months never mind the long term
sorry, I am very aware that I am suggesting you move away from your partner and that is not something I would generally contemplate doing ... but it is something you have mentioned more than once
if you didn't live in the same house, you would be in control of when you visited and for how long, and especially what you would and wouldn't do to support your OH ... also, it would be very clear to his children and Social Services that they are responsible for providing and supervising his care and dealing with the consequences of the decisions they have made
you're a better woman than me ... I would find it very hard to accept back someone who threatened what your OH did
your needs and wants are equally as important as your OH's

I almost deleted this ... I hope I don't offend you
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
can i say i agree with both woo2 and shedrech in that if you combined monies and had a jointly rented home, you are not really doing anything different to what you were doing before your husband moved. i dont always comment but have read the attire thread. if it doesnt work out you are back to stage 1 both tenants of a property and you wont have any more options that you did to start with. i think that maybe you could look for something else which is only yours with only your name on tenancy. you would then have more choices and freedom to do this. also more control over the situation because SS etc couldnt assume you would carry on caring or have him live with you. but also he wouldnt be entitled to come to your home or move in with you. you then wouldnt have the problem of getting him moved if it didnt work out. its very difficult when there is emotional investment in the situation.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
3) is my favourite at the moment, as it would mean a reasonable standard of living - we can between us afford about £900 rent per month, if I am careful. HIs ensuite would release me from having to share the bathroom with the contents of his stoma bag, and I might not be able to hear him in the night, and might get some sleep. If his TV was in his room - I would not be subjected to the neverending dross that he watches.
Please remember that he may well not stay in "his" rooms. You may assign certain rooms to him, but there will be nothing to stop him from going looking for you and using all the rooms in the house. In fact, every time I organise something in this house just for me, I discover that OH decides that he likes it and wants to use it too!
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,514
South of the Border
You are all right, and I understand what everyone, including my family and friends, are saying to me. I value what everyone says, as well, because it gives me a perspective that is better than my own, because , as @jennifer1967 says - I have emotional investment.

I am not sure what will happen when social worker comes tomorrow.

I keep changing my mind, but I now think the best outcome is to put a 'sticking plaster' on the current situation, that will make life bearable.

This will give me the time to look carefully at where I might live next, without settling for a load of old rubbish, just as a knee jerk reaction to get me out of here.

I am too old to keep moving, so I think in the short term, I need to gather more funds for myself, and look for somewhere that suits me in the long term. To do anything else would be silly.

I must not keep dithering - and all the posts from all you lovely people on here, is focussing me properly - and that is so much what I need.

I am currently registered with about 7 letting agents, and receive posts daily, so I need to concentrate my efforts in getting through the next weeks, while I put this plan into action.

Anything else is really futile - I see that now.

thank you, so much one and all.
 

Lemondrizzle

Registered User
Aug 26, 2018
88
Is your first bullet point - I do not want to be his carer anymore!? I know the pressure social workers try to exert not least because they want someone else to take responsibility. I am glad you are seeing things more clearly but please be careful. I wouldn't want to be moving either, but you need more than a sticking plaster.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,945
Nottinghamshire
I would make the first bullet point - I CANNOT be his carer anymore. I had to say this to make sure my dad wasn’t sent home, from the carehome he was in for assessment, to live on his own.

You will need to be very determined @maryjoan .
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,514
South of the Border
I have just typed out my bullet points.

Social Worker and his son, seem to think that if there is a care package that uses an agency funded by social services, that takes the caring element out of my life, and I am no longer a carer. Total nonsense.

I have stated quite clearly that I am looking for somewhere else to live, but it might take a little time in view of the covid situation ( and in my head, I want to find somewhere decent, not just a bolt hole).

Also that whilst I search, I need a decent and proper care package relieving me of caring for my partner.

Let's see what happens
 

Quizbunny

Registered User
Nov 20, 2011
124
Sorry if I have got this wrong, but have you told the SW and the family that you are no longer In a recognised relationship. Perhaps they all need to know that this is not just about not being willing to be a carer.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
407
Sorry if I have got this wrong, but have you told the SW and the family that you are no longer In a recognised relationship. Perhaps they all need to know that this is not just about not being willing to be a carer.
Good point. You shouldn't ever refer to him as your partner again. Say ex-partner or better still just his name when speaking to social services etc.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
786
Lytham St Annes
I think it’s going to be impossible whilst living in the same house.

Even if all care duties are provided for him as if he lives alone in his own home.....the fact that you are there means you will be dragged in to continue caring or supporting in some form.

You need to move ASAP........the longer you and he remain in same home things will become the new normal.

What has the landlord said about situation, don’t suppose landlord has any other properties that you could move to in your own name, then you could remove yourself from this joint tenancy and it would be upto your ex-partner to deal with??
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,907
South coast
in my head, I want to find somewhere decent, not just a bolt hole
There is nothing wrong with a bolt hole if you then have time and space to look for somewhere else.
The problem with where you are at the moment is that all the while you are there you will be dragged (however unwilling) into caring. You may end up staying there for much, much longer than you wish, looking for somewhere "decent"

I also suspect that, with you gone, everything will unravel very quickly and if you keep in contact with the landlord, you may have the opportunity to move back.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,011
@maryjoan, I agree with what @canary has just said. Is there anyway you can go on a visit to family or friends for a few days and see what happens. I think that would be allowed under covid rules as you need to remove yourself from being in the same house as you partner/former partner as this is a relationship that is having a severe affect on your own health. I'm pretty sure that with a week that things would have resolved themselves as it sounds like that your partner/ former partner wouldn't be able to manage without your input.
It will be tough, but things won't change unless you do move away, and the sooner the better.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
maybe just pack a few things now, maybe you have friends in your village, look around for somewhere else. you could always improve it later to what you would like. its hard when you have a home thats to your liking and familiar with but the new place will be familiar in no time and surprising what a tin of paint can do and new curtains. it will become home the longer you are there and you will have your freedom to do what you want and turn the page or get another book
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,514
South of the Border
A friend has just contacted me in a nearby town. She rents a small house in a charming close - her next door neighbour told her this morning that she was handing her notice in to her landlord
He is putting in new central heating and floors, and then it will be ready to let again.
He is not dealing with an agent, which simplifies things, and he is willing to draw up a tenancy in a few weeks.
My friend has already told him that I want the house asap.
I have told my ex partner's son about this, he is talking to his sister this evening. The social worker is aware I am moving out.
I have also spoken to the agent for the property I live in now, he is looking out for anything on his books.
I am going on Wednesday to see another property as well.

So, pace is picking up.

I used to own my own house when I was married, but this will be my 28th move and I have had to really steel myself to do it yet again...... but now I am resolved can look forward to it......... my really heartfelt thanks to each and everyone of you. I have needed your comments to tell me what I already know - because I am in danger of convincing myself I can carry on and that is not the truth of the matter at all.......
 

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
116,901
Messages
1,710,072
Members
67,665
Latest member
FrankRMC