please help me to get this right.....


Registered User
Mar 29, 2007
Good morning all, i haven't really posted on this forum since joining so I apologise for being a burden now but know that you guys are the best to turn to. After a serious of incidents and accidents both my grandparents moved into a residential home last month (we were fortunate in finding a lovely home that could take them both). Nana has dementia, grandad mobility problems and recurring mini strokes. Since getting into the home nan has insisted that she wants to go home, is going home tomorrow etc.... this is the recurring conversation with every visit and after reading similar problems here tend to deal with it by either distracting the conversation or simply agreeing (the path of least resistance on a tiring day!)

Unfortunately grandad passed away yesterday lunch time. It was very sudden and a huge shock for us all. I went with my mum yesterday afternoon to tell nan. We made sure many times that she had understood and could recall what we had told her and she was able to which was our main concern that we would tell her and she wouldn't understand.

The main emphasis for nan is now even stronger for getting out of the home. She began crying and shaking and saying that she couldnt stay there now, you have to get me home, I have to go home etc.... We just didnt know how to deal with this, the usual distraction of 'i like your slippers' 'thats a pretty jumper you have on today' didn't seem appropriate. We tried reasoning with her, and all the usual things... you are better here, they will look after you, you can't go home.... but we just werent getting anywhere. In the end we had to get the staff to come in to help us as we just didnt know what to do. So..... does anyone have any experience of a similar situation, any suggestions as to what i do now. Any input anyone can give would be so wonderful

Thank you for reading my post.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Pebbles.

I`m so sorry you have lost your grandfather. And now you are having even more problems with your grandmother.

A couple of suggestions when she wants to go home;

`We will ask the doctor`
`When the weather gets better`

I feel awful saying so, but if you can think of any reply which is not a definite `no`, nor an obvious evasion, but something to give her hope and leave it open, she might accept your response.

Please don`t apologise for coming to TP. You will never be a burden.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Pebbles

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad, it must have been a terrible shock for you.

Your nan must be very upset, particularly as they were in the same home. She'll probably forget what you have told her, and go looking for him.

You're right, diversion is the only method, coupled with a few white lies.

Sylvia's right, avoid if you can a downright 'no', and use any delaying tactic you can think of.

And also avoid telling her over and over again that your grandad has died. If you do, she'll feel the pain afresh every time.

It's not going to be easy for you, and there are no magical solutions. All you can do is try to keep your nan's pain to a minimum, by whatever means it takes.



Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
South Wales
Hi Pebbles
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather's death and the concern that this is causing all of your family. I would agree with the previous suggestion not to give a definate 'no', is a wise thing to do. What you don't want to do is upset your nan even more than she is. From our experience I can only say that to bring her home may not help anyway.
My MIL was in residential care for 18 months as she was dangerous when left in her home,- falling, not eating, and many other things. We were all distressed about the situation, so eventually I gave up work to look after her full time (we sold our house and adapted her bungalow for her). She is now back in her beloved home and keeps asking 'when we are going home?'.

Try to reassure her that you are doing what you can, be gentle and give her as much time as you can.
Sorry I can't be any more help, take care and keep talking to all of your family.
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Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Hi Pebbles

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandfather. With regard to this specific problem I think you have to get over the hump of thinking it's inappropriate to say "that's a pretty jumper" etc for the purposes of distraction. It may seem inappropriate to you, or even unfeeling at this time but that's not the issue. The issue is ensuring that your grandmother experiences as little stress and upset as possible and if that means you and your family have to say inappropriate things, so be it.


Registered User
Mar 29, 2007
Thank you for your reply's and kind words. It is really nice to have somewhere to turn to and for people to understand what you are going through.


Registered User
May 20, 2006
North East
Hi Pebbles

So sorry to hear about your grandad.

I have been in a similar siutation with my mum - even after 2 years she still talks about going home - or now - going home to her Mum and Dad!! I still repeat what Canadian Joanne advised quite a while ago now!

"Well your room is paid for until the end of the week, so you might as well stay until then" My mum would hate to think that she was wasting money, so in her case it always works. I probably doesn't work for everyone, but you could try something like it.

Take care


Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
North Derbyshire
Hi Pebbles,

Excuse my reply, I don't know what I am talking about. I am just looking at from the view I would have if I were reading a novel. Husband dies in a care Home, wife is in same Care Home, Care Home is therefore not a good place to be. Wife wants out. She would be happy to return to previous home where everything was safe and well. Not possible. Just wonder if a couple of weeks in a different home (respite) would help? Total guess. Just to get her through the fact that her husband died in the Home. You may end up paying for two places for two weeks, but might just help mum adjust. Not a clue.

Hope someone better than me can help.



Registered User
Aug 21, 2007
Hi Pebbles

I'm so sorry about your Grandad, many hugs to you and your grandma.

Margaret, maybe it would work but I'm thinking that another move may confuse grandma even more. My Dad has been shipped around a bit in the last few weeks and I'm convinced it's set his AD back a little, he became totally confused and aggressive because he had no idea of where he was. He's constantly trying to justify to himself why everything has changed and still doesn't really understand. I also could be wrong though, everyone is different.

Dad always snaps to attention when doctors orders are mentioned and that's how I'm handling him just now - you have to stay here for now because the doctors have said that you need a lot of looking after.

AJay xxx