1. Springy12

    Springy12 Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    30
    Warrington
    Hello
    I am new to here, my mum has recently been diagnosed.
    I am her main carer, even though I have 3 other sisters, and I am really struggling at the moment and wondered if anyone can advise how to cope better.
    My mum has carers 4 times a day. I keep an eye on the carers, medication, shopping, housework, appointments and general support for mum- my sisters don't do a lot to be honest.
    Mum at the moment is really confused and very repetitive- which I know is going to get worse- but how do you cope with the repetitive questions, the confusion and seeing your mum like she is?
    I do struggle to keep my cool and get very frustrated- I know mum doesn't do it on purpose, but its so hard. She has just phoned me saying the carer has told her she's being picked up and going to Blackpool and that has sent me over the edge and I can't stop crying.
    I feel alone looking after mum even though the carers do help a lot, especially one of them who is really helpful and understanding.
    Any advise people can give me would mean a lot as I am struggling to cope now, so don't know how I will cope further down the line.
    I don't want this to sound like it's all about me as I know it's mum that's ill, but I really need help and advise how to cope better.
    Thank You
     
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,712
    Female
    Dundee
    I'm so sorry to read of your situation. No wonder you are so stressed.

    Perhaps this thread will help you a little with the repetitive questions -

    http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

    I also think it would be a good idea to arrange a meeting with or speak to your mum's social worker. You need a carers assessment to see how they can support your needs. I would use the words 'carer breakdown' when you talk to him/her as it sounds as if you're at the end of your tether.
     
  3. Demonica66

    Demonica66 Registered User

    Oct 23, 2014
    55
    Hi Springy12.
    Nice to have you on board; I am relatively new too, but have received loads of info and support from posters on the forum. Hope you do too. You really sound as if you need some support. I think you need to tell your sisters that they need to do more and then take a step back. You will make yourself ill with worry if you are not better supported. It's hard admitting that you need help but you will do yourself no favours if you do not. I know what you mean about the repetitive nature of caring for someone with Alzheimer's. It's very difficult to keep repeating the same answers but the more stressed you are, the more difficult it is.

    Are you in Britain? If so, please access the web for details of Admiral Nurse teams in your area; they can provide you with support and advice to help you along your journey. The journey is hard and sometimes thankless. It is heart-breaking and frustrating but above all, there are times when you will feel so very alone. Please remember that you are not alone - thousands of us on here, can empathise and support you. Please speak to your sisters; they need to know that they are not doing enough to help this situation. If you cannot do this, please ask your Mum's Soc Worker, GP or another family member to do so. You will burn out otherwise.
    Keep posting and let us know how you get on.
    D x


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,712
    Female
    Dundee
  5. blueboy

    blueboy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2015
    126
    It is so difficult to see your Mum like that, I know. I am going through the same with Mum only agreeing to carers after a fall and a hospital stay. I have one brother but he doesn't live anywhere near so it has all been left to me. Some days I get really down but the people on here are very supportive. The constant repetitive questions do get very wearing and it is so tempting just not to have conversations with Mum but then I remember how much she always did for me over the years and try my best to be patient - not easy though. I sympathise with you.
     
  6. CynthsDaugh

    CynthsDaugh Registered User

    May 5, 2015
    140
    Salford, Lancashire
    Hi Springy12,

    I know how you feel, my Mum is pretty much the same. Repetitive questions are draining, during the Open golf last weekend if she asked me the nationality of a couple of players she asked me 20 times! I just had to remind myself that it's not really Mum but the dementia causing it. Same with believing things that aren't true - last night my Mum wanted her 'strip of something' that she heats it the microwave and puts round her neck - not something she has ever had. In these situations I try to offer an alternative or change the subject. I cope with the whole thing by accepting that these sort of things are not Mum but the condition, and treasuring the times when Mum is her normal self and have a giggle with her when I can. I find just reading TP and realising I'm not the only one in this situation, and can ask for advice from people who are going through the same really helpful and make me feel I'm not quite as alone as I sometimes feel.
     
  7. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    Hi Springy 12

    Hi - as others have said, you'll get lots of support here but do try to find time to talk to social services or, if you have one locally, your family carers organisation.

    The repetitive questioning is hard work especially when you're tired or stressed out. I have learnt to cope with it (most of the time) and try hard to give the same answer as though I haven't done it 1 minutes ago, 2 minutes ago etc. But my resolve lets me down sometimes when I'm trying to do several things at once. I also found the compassionate commnication with the memory impaired thread incredibly useful. What throws me are the odd ball questions that come when I don't have a clue what they're referring to.

    Anyway, best of luck and keep posting.
     
  8. roni

    roni Registered User

    Jul 4, 2015
    4
    Warwickshire


    Hi I really feel for you as I know personally how hard it can be. I have a brother but he has no involvement and I am on my own bringing up two children so have to weigh up which dependant needs me more . My coping mechanism is to build an emotional wall however it's not the best answer but does protect you from breaking down. I would suggest contacting Social Servicea and ask for a carer's assessment. At least then they can see how they can help support you even if it's arranging day care or some kind of respite . Remember you are not in this on your own, do talk to others and use the forum for support .
     
  9. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    483
    Essex
    A friend of mine (whose mother was further along the dementia path) told me very early on to "learn to love repetition" and at the time I didn't get it but now I do. My Mum can easily spend 6 hours or more asking the same questions and I just zen out and repeat the same answers without thinking about it, without changing it - it's a bit like repeating a mantra. Just keep your answers very short! Once Mum gets the answer she is calmer even if it is only for 5 minutes before she asks again but to not reply or go off tangent makes her agitated so it is not worth doing it.
     
  10. Springy12

    Springy12 Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    30
    Warrington
    Thank you

    Hello
    Thank you so much for providing me with this link- I have looked and it totally makes sense and will try harder to be patient and much more understanding towards my mum.
    I am also going to speak to my sisters to tell them how hard it is- don't know if it will do any good.
    Am also contacting mums social worker.
     
  11. Springy12

    Springy12 Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    30
    Warrington
    Thank you

    Thank you so much for responding to me.
    I am going to speak to my sisters and tell them how I am feeling.
    The hardest thing to is stay calm, as horrible as that sounds, but I know I have to try harder for mums sake.
     
  12. Springy12

    Springy12 Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    30
    Warrington
    Thanks

    I know I have to be much more patient and understanding and am really going to try for mums sake
     
  13. Springy12

    Springy12 Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    30
    Warrington
    Thanks

    I know I have to try harder to be more patient- I think it is so hard to accept what mum is going through, but I have to think of her more and understand what she is going through
     
  14. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland
    Hi springy12. Welcome to the forum . I have had a lot of useful advice from many people here . I live with my mum who has vascular dementia and have seen her decline over the years . Last year was particularly bad but I now have someone look after my mum when I'm at work who is absolutely wonderful . I have had good support from one sister but I spoke to the 'invisibles ' who are my other 3 siblings and things have improved with them too . I know you say you don't know how you will cope with the repetition but my mum has had a stroke as well as dementia and can't talk much at all , I would love her to have a conversation with me , even if it was a repetitive one . You are facing a journey but it's one that doesn't have to be gloomy . Fill it with good memories too . I play games with my mum , we do painting etc together and she loves me doing her hair and painting her nails . I have taken up gardening as I know she loves flowers and we have loads of pleasure choosing and planting flowers and she loves sitting out in the garden . I hope you get the support you need but please never think you are on your own , this forum is a god send so 'tap' into it whenever you need to. Good luck and best wishes to you and your mum..


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  15. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland

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