Please help I'm at my wits end!

little shettie

Registered User
Nov 10, 2009
221
0
My mum was diagnosed with AD last November. She lives with my dad who has his health issues having had triple heart bypass 18months ago. Mum is 89, dad 85. The main problem is my dad cannot cope with my mum and though she is very able bodied and once a wonderful cook, catering for dozens at a time, she can no longer cook and my dad does all the cooking. Mum still showers and dresses herself, all beit in her oldest clothes most of the time, but she cant clean the house, and I found out her 'ironing' pile actually contained dirty clothes. I have found them stashed everywhere. So she is not functioning well at all. Talk to her, and she can have normal conversation, but again short term she will repeat things 50 times. My dad has no patience with her now, he feels hopeless and so they fight. mum has walked out with a suitcase at least half a dozen times in the last two months. Twice I've been and picked her up and bought her to my house and my brother has done the same. trouble is, none of us live close to our parents and we want them to move nearer to me so I can relieve dads strain and care for my mum. I want to do it. My dad would move tomorrow, but mum will not. She shouts, she swears, she gets so upset when we say about moving, and then when she calms down she agrees its necessary. Its like a jeckle and hyde character. I cant cope anymore because its like beating my head against a brick wall, one day she agrees and we leave all happy, the next my dads on the phone saying she wont move and shes is shouting abuse at him, What to do, what to do? I fear for my dads health if we dont move them nearer, but is it right to move mum without her consent. I do feel she cant make the decision and I hope that if we can get them moved, and there are some wonderful warden controlled apartments just across the road from me where they would be safe and have me and my siblings there every day,we can change their lives for the better. My older brother says its not right to move mum if she doesnt want to go, but she has always been a creature of habit and has never wanted to move house. BUT, now its do awful and the stress of them battling it out and I mean literally, my dad has pushed mum over with frustration, I worry for them both. Please help what shall we do? Social services have said they cant help if its anything other than personal care and I want to look after my mum myself. I dont want others doing it. Its a desperate situation and its spiralling out of control. My tears are flowing as I type, my own job is becoming difficult because my head is full of this stuff.
 

wiggy

Registered User
May 18, 2009
95
0
cambs
Oh Little Sheltie this illness is a *****:(. Its so hard to make these descisions and i would go with your gut feeling especially if the majority of the family agree. Good Luck x
 

KatieM

Registered User
May 15, 2008
19
0
Essex
Hi,

I really feel for you this is a horrible situation to be in.
If mum doesn't want to move could you move nearer to her? Routine and "normality" are very important to people with dementia so she might be happier to stay put.
We just moved my Dad into a residential home because Mum is losing her sight and is unwell. I have 5 kids and 2 jobs and couldn't offer Dad the level of care he deserves. Dad seems happy and says he likes it but he has stopped eating, possibily because of the upheaval. (I'm not for one second suggesting that this will happen to mum if you move her)

Social Services, from my experience are wonderful people and are very caring and have showed my Dad such respect. When he was looked after by them he was always addressed as "Mr", or "Sir". They were very patient with him when we were at the end of our tether and exhausted. His dignity and comfort was paramount in their eyes, and they were very supportive to us as well. We also made use of the excellent Age Concern clubs for people with dementia. Dad would be taken off for a day to have his lunch, do crafts and play dominoes. It gave Mum a break and made Dad happy.

I fully understand that you want to care for your mum yourself - that's natural, but there are good people who can help when you can't.

I hope this has helped you, all the best,
Katie x
 

mynyddisamrs

Registered User
Feb 1, 2010
131
0
North Wales
I feel for you as you try to sort all this out.
I think I would try and get your parents and all the family together and have a chat. Maybe talk about "another elderly couple" who have come across this type of problem and how they've found it so much better being near the family... I don't know?
Would their doctor be able to put in a good word.You could perhaps make an appointment and talk to him/her.
You mention the social services not being interested ... after your mothers diagnosis was there an involvement from a community Psychiatric nurse? If there was, maybe she could help.
Social services really benefit from family taking care of their own..so they should help wouldn't you think?
After my mums diagnosis with Vascular Dementia we had an assessment by social services of her needs and although she had already agreed to move in with me, I found it very helpful.
Another thought maybe to talk to a friend of theirs in confidence, often someone apart from the family can be more persuasive. It was a friend of my mums that finally persuaded her to give up driving and also to make the move.
You're not on your own with this problem and I'm sure others will be more hepful than me. Keep going and try not to worry ...know what you mean about your job suffering too!! If you can tell them ,hopefully work will understand the stress your under.
Hope it all works for you and your family.
 

lahlah

Registered User
Nov 15, 2009
1
0
Feel for you

I feel for you! My Dad is 85 - with AD - lives alone - has a 30 sec memory! I find dirty underwear draped on the radiator; shredded wheat in the utterly butterly, cocoa in the kettle. He is vulnerable: he locked himself out in the snow a few weeks ago, he has an emergency alarm but doesn't know how to use it. Social Services have assessed him and feel he is managing fine. Yes he is but only because I am on tap 24/7. I have phone calls from his neighbour, complaining that he doesn't need my dad constantly going round there; I have pressure from my husband, threatening to TALK to aforesaid neighbour! There is no help out there at all. Sorry to whinge.
 

BeverleyY

Registered User
Jan 29, 2008
716
0
Ashford, Kent
Hi

I really feel for you. What an awful situation. We fortunately convinced Mum and Dad to move before Dad became too confused.

However, I do remember at the time we said it was for Mum (which, in truth, at that time it was because she had just been diagnosed with kidney failure). I dread to think what would have happened if they were living alone at the time Mum died. I think it would have been awful.

Why don't you talk to you Mum and tell her that your Dad is poorly and you think it would be better for him if they moved? She might be more willing if she thinks it is for him rather than her?

What you have to remember about this illness is that it will have robbed you of the mother that you could talk to and reason with. It replaces a once coherent person with someone that you just cannot have an intelligent conversation with.:(

The most important thing at their age is that they are safe - both of them. Whilst it sounds heartless to say make her move, I think that that is the only sensible way forward - for your sakes and your poor Dad's.

He will need your help and support even more than ever in the coming months/years.

Good luck.

Beverley x
 

little shettie

Registered User
Nov 10, 2009
221
0
Thank you

Thanks for all your supportive messages. It does help knowing that so many others are in the same or worse situation then me. I have tried to persuade mum to move by using dad as the excuse but she doesnt care. She is so adamant. Shes always been strong willed and this side of her is enhanced by the AD im afraid. I am tired, stressed and I am self employed so no boss to answer to but myself. this doesnt help as I need to earn money but dont feel I can cope with work at the moment. we cant move nearer mum and dad, we cant afford to Im afraid. Dont think I havent thought of that! Think I was hoping for a magic answer, I know there isnt one. xx
 

n983825

Registered User
Feb 12, 2010
23
0
plymouth, uk
hello little shettie, can completely understand your dilemma. We tried to persuade mum (with vascular dementia) to allow my brother and sis in law to move in with her as it was apparent to everyone that she should not be living alone any longer (several falls resulting in broken ribs, losing weight rapidly, unaware of night and day etc etc). One day she would agree and we would begin to make arrangements, then she would change her mind and all arrangements would stop, then she would agree she needed them there so all systems go again til she changed her mind again aaargh!! In the end my brother and I spoke to her and when she agreed we began making arrangements again and each time thereafter when she changed her mind we carried on regardless and gradually moved them in by spending more and more time there til they just never went home. 3 months later they are just about fully moved in and have just given up their own home this week. We didn't want to go against mums wishes but felt we had to in the end before something terrible happened to her. You will know the right thing to do when the time is right.
 

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