please help.i need urgent advice

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by icandoit, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. icandoit

    icandoit Registered User

    Feb 20, 2007
    :( my grandma has recently been diagnosed with alzheimers and has been out into a home yesterday.
    she is just over 60, i am 30.
    my gran is so so upset about being away from home, i cant cope knowing how upset she is, she still knows things as the alzheimers isnt at a late stage, she has been assesed by mental health people and they have put her in the home because she refused round the clock care at home, but she isnt sectioned.
    i dont feel my gran has been properly explained that if she accepts 24 hour care then she will not have to go into the home, its like everyone has just given up hope with her and cant be bothered explaining things.
    please please can anyone advise me what to do, she hates it in the home and i know she would now accept home care but i cant go to see her to explain things as i will be upset in front of her and she doesnt need that.
    i feel so horrible. i have just said that i will look after her at home but i am not sure how big of a responsibility it is, i am willing to try anything because i havent given up on her the way everyone else seems to have.
    please can anyone help me, how can i explain to her about round the clock care and how she wont need to be in residential care if she accepts it.
    please someone advise me on anything, i feel terrible
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hello icandoit

    Welcome to TP. People here will try to support you, whatever happens with your grandma.

    The first thing is to try to be calm. It's the only way to get through to your grandma, and SS.

    Have you thought o the implications of taking responsibility for your grandma? If you read the posts on this forum you will realise what a tremendous responsibility you would be taking on.

    I'm not saying don't do it, just be aware that you would be putting the rest of your life on hold, possible for several years.

    You don't mention family. Do you have a partner? Mum or Dad? They would have to be considered too, as the whole family would be affected.

    Your grandma only moved into the home yesterday, so she is bound to be unhappy. I think you should give her a few weeks to see if she settles down. That will give you time to weigh up other possibilities, and if you really feel that you can take responsibility for her, to get her care package sorted out.

    The important thing is not to do anything while you and your grandma are so upset. Just give you and her time to settle.

    Post again, and let us know how it goes.

  3. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello icandoit

    welcome to tp

    not much advice im afraid just to say your post has been seen and im sure you'll get some answers soon.

    Have they said that the move to the home is permanent? if so what is going to happen to her home?
    have you got a social worker in charge of your nans case you can get help from?
    I think perhaps you need to perhaps phone the person in charge of the home and speak to them on your nan's behalf.

    like i said not much help just wanted you too know youve been heard
    good luck
    donna x
  4. icandoit

    icandoit Registered User

    Feb 20, 2007
    thank you

    thank you for your replies it means a lot to me.
    i have an auntie and mother and other relatives who could all share the care of my gran, but it really feels as though no-one can be bothered and its so wrong.
    my mother is very upset and wants to get my gran home so i have said to try explain to her that if she accepts home care she could come home. i havent really thought it through but i cant cope with knowing my gran and mum are so upset about it all. im unemployed and i have no children or a partner so i definetly have the time, i am very very emotional tho and seeing her worsen would hurt me so much but i need to manage to cope with that and be strong and talk to my family about it so we can arrange something.
    i really dont know what to do, i want to care for her but i understand its such a big responsibility, but we could all share if we sat and sorted something.
    should i tell my mum to leave my gran there for a little while longer to see if she settles? i keep thinking of how my gran must be feeling though. thank you all for reading my posts, i really have nowhere else to turn for advice or anything.x
  5. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hello again icandoit

    not sure if this is any consolation to you but my mum , who's 66 now is in a dementia ward of a hospital and she cries to come home everytime me and dad visit, but the problem we have is that when she is home "she wants to go home", so we cant win really, im not sure where home is to my mum so it might be worth waiting to see if nan settles at the home, at least untill you can get some advice about, what you can do next.
    we have mum home a few days every week and believe me its a full time job and can get you down, think long and hard before you go down that route, we have been waiting now for 5 weeks for a care package, so dad has help when mum is home its not a quick process so even if you have nan home it wont be till they get a package in place anyway, before they allow her home and she might just have settled by then.
    not sure if this is any help to you
    keep in touch
  6. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Hi Icandoit


    I know that it is very difficult for you but try not to panic. I agree with Skye that it is important not to rush into any decisions, Think carefully what will be best for you, your grandma and the rest of the family. It is very difficult to handle this problem on your own and both you and your family will need lots of support at least in the early days. Once you have time to think please let us know how you are getting along, you are amongst friends.


  7. icandoit

    icandoit Registered User

    Feb 20, 2007
    thank you all for your kind words, i really appreciate it.

    thank you dmc for your post, it helps knowing people are there to help who are going through simular situations.x.

    my mother is going to visit my gran later and explain to her about the care at home thing, my gran knows quite a lot still and is just very forgetful at the minuite.
    she had a fall a few weeks ago and was in the local hospital, the nurses knew she had alzheimers but didnt seem to care. they kind of treat her differently in a nasty way because of some comments she made etc. shes in care now especially for alzheimers patients.

    thank you all for your kind words of support. i will post again later after my mother has visited. thank you all so much.x.
  8. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    I'm so sorry for you that you and your family are having to cope with this situation. And it IS very sad for your Gran too.

    You may not want to hear this, but I think you have to consider that explaining to Gran that 24 hour care would help her stay in her own home does not mean she will fully understand (or remember) what has been explained. As those of us who are caring for loved ones with AD (either at home, in their own homes, or in care homes) can tell you, understanding and remembering are not consistent.

    For example: my darling Mum wanted some new slippers, so I brought in a catalogue for her to look at. (Mum's mobility problrems make any shopping excursions an ordeal for her.) By now, she wanted to know why I brought in the catalogue - she didn't need new slippers - her old ones were fine. So I said "OK, we won't do anything about slippers". Next visit: Mum: "I'm really needing some new slippers" - we get out the catalogue and she checks it out. Nothing she likes. I bring another catalogue on my next visit - you guessed it! "Why do you want me to buy new slippers? I don't want new slippers!" Last visit: "What is happening about my new slippers?" - so we ordered some. I'm sure when they arrive she'll think I've "tricked" her into buying new slippers she doesn't want!!

    The point of this is that even though someone with AD may appear to understand what is being said (and probably does understand at that moment) she or he may well have no memory of that. So even if all the advantages of 24 hour care are carefully described to your Gran and she seems to understand, later she may say she's never heard about it - or fail to remember anything at all.

    As far as the home goes, it IS a difficult decision to make and it IS hard on our elderly relatives. But sometimes it is essential for their care - and to be brutally hinest, for those around them. You say Gran is only just over 60 - what if you take on her care and she lives to be 84 (my Mum's age)?? Do you really think you could commit yourself to that? I realise you might think you'd like to keep her at home until she "gets worse", but TP members can tell you that it is incredibly hard to know when is the "right" moment to do that. Once you have been caring for her for a time, it could make the decision to put her in a home even harder. :(

    I'm sorry to be so gloomy, but I do echo what others have said. Think VERY carefully about this before you and your family reverse the current decision. Your heart is obviously a great one - ou want to do the right thing for Gran - take time to be sure it really IS the right thing - for her and for you.

    Every best wish from Nell.
  9. icandoit

    icandoit Registered User

    Feb 20, 2007
    hi Nell, thank you for your advice it has helped in a kind of way knowing that you and others have the same experience. sorry im rubbish at explaining how you have helped but you have.
    i have just been to visit my gran for the first time, it was very difficult and she was sobbing wanting to come home. but i reassured her that i am going to see her every day next week, everyone keeps telling her that she will be home when she is better but i think its not right giving her false hopes.
    im sorry i sound so selfish with my posts on this site, i dont mean to be, its just all new to me:)

    ive noticed my gran seems to be more confused lately, could this be with the new surroundings etc? i am trying very hard to explain everything as simple as i can and i feel a little happier knowing i am going to see her more and it will make her feel better.

    thank you all for your help it really helps xxx
  10. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    You don't sound at all selfish to me. You sound like someone who cares a great deal about your gran and wants to do the best for her, whatever that may ultimately turn out to be.

    Your gran's confusion is very likely to be to do with the new surroundings. People with dementia don't generally adapt well to change and may take some time to settle - sadly one feature of the disease for many is that they are never truly settled or feel at home, even when they actually are at home.

    Take care
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #11 Margarita, Feb 23, 2007
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2007
    When you say 24 hour care, do you realize that it be you giving your grandmother the 24 hour care, social services will not fund night care if you are not self funded.

    So that’s why I was wondering when you said, she won’t except 24 hours care they put her in a home , who did the mental heath team expect to be giving your mother this 24 hour care ? was they going to fund it

    Have you Spoken to the mental heath team and told them that you want to care for your grandmother

    You should talk to a social worker / mental heath team to organize a care plan for you and do an assessment on you grandmother if she is going to come home.

    If your adornment you want to take on your grandmother care that is.

    Every one right , at the moment your grandmother is more confused because of the Shock , change of surrounding so is not going to retain any information your telling her ,of course because of her AZ .

    Depending on what stage she is and if she not on any medication for AZ
  12. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    You do not sound in the LEAST bit selfish!! In fact you sound like a very generous and tender hearted person!

    I totally agree about not offering false hope. I don't think it is helpful at all. When Dad was dying my Mum kept saying we were "just in the area so thought we'd visit" which was plainly not true. I felt Dad deserved to know the truth so I told him the doctors said he was very ill and might die. As it happened he died within 48 hours so I'm glad I didn't "pretend" to him.

    Confusion is very much a part of AD. It sometimes seems as if the patient is very clear and at other times they are very confused. I've found Mum is more confused if she is tired, sick or out of routine.

    I believe the best thing we can do for our family members with AD is visit them (if they are in care) so I think you are doing EXACTLY the right thing for your Gran. I do realise it is very hard for lots of people to visit (work, distance, family and other responsibilities, etc.) but if you CAN visit your Gran, that will be a wonderful gift to her.

    She is lucky to have such a loving caring and UNSELFISH ;) grand-daughter! Nell
  13. Irish_Lisa

    Irish_Lisa Registered User

    Feb 24, 2007
    My granddad was put into a home after his cancer op' because he was no longer walking and we just couldn't offer him the same high standard of care that a home could. Initially he was very upset and tearful (which in turn upset us and made us question our decision)....after a few days we spoke to a professional and they explained that tearfulness is often a phase people with Alzheimer's go through. It still wasn't pleasant but it made us feel a wee bit more comforted in the knowledge that he wasn't crying because he felt wronged by us. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. :)

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