1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Please Help - Best Interest Meeting

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bisto14, Feb 2, 2016.

  1. Bisto14

    Bisto14 Registered User

    Feb 2, 2016
    1
    Hello everyone, I'm new to TP.

    My Mum & Dad lived with me for 7 years and moved to my Sisters last Jan as they could give more support. Mum had CPD and Dad has Alzheimers. Mum died in June and Sister was going to keep Dad but put him in CH in October after 2 bouts of respite. There was no consultation and I had no input into his care or placement.
    I have a busy job but adore Dad, and hold an LPA but only for finance.
    The care home is 2 miles from my Sister and 27 miles away from me.
    I am visiting 5 days a week and she is visiting 1 a week for approx an hour.
    I have repeatedly asked Social Services to support having him at home with support or a CH near to me and friends and family.
    We have Best Interests meeting shortly, but I fear I am going to be overruled due to past experience with local social services.
    I have requested a list of the visiting our family have done since Dad went in, but the care home have refused. I have tried to get a solicitor to help, as I understand as long as they are anonymised it should be OK.
    I truly have Dads best interest at heart and feel being nearer to his home town, friends and family would be better for Dad. A lot of his friends and family can't get to visit him.
    The CH used to employ my Sister's daughter and I think they are being biased towards my Sister.
    I really don't know what to do for the best. Please could someone help with some advice.
     
  2. AnneED

    AnneED Registered User

    Feb 19, 2012
    81
    East Yorkshire UK
    Hi,
    This is never going to be easy. I live 70 miles from Mum and my sister 30 and we have already had arguments about where Mum should go when she needs a care home. At the end of the day it will be down to where she is best cared for - because of the Alzheimers family and friends' visits will always be problematic - I am expecting her not to really know how often she has been visited and by whom. However if she is in an environment where she feels at home and where there are people with a similar outlook and background that will be the most important thing, after good care and that may mean not near me as I do not live near our childhood home.

    If you look at other posts you will probably see constant referrals to difficulties within families affected by dementia - care arrangements, inheritance, favourite children, lack of interest, distance, all affect the issues. I can't advise how to get your dad into a home near you but I think being open with your own feelings about your dad to the meeting is the best you can do. Be ready to propose a very good arrangement that would work for him and yourselves, and try and argue for that rather than against your sister. If he is already coping well in his current care home that may well be where he stays, unless your proposal can show clear benefits in moving.
     
  3. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    1,807
    Ireland
    Try try try to stay calm at meeting. I will be thinking about you.

    Family and friends can be traumatic at times. My husband has lived in the same area all his life, involved in everything and sadly now no one calls to see him except SIL an odd time!! She then proceeds to ask questions!!

    I understand how you feel cos I loved my dad(RIP) to bits.

    Aisling (Ireland)
     
  4. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I think it is generally accepted that people feel they have a better quality of life when they have regular visitors. Regular visitors also monitor the care in a home and ensure that the resident is getting the best possible care and can also build relationships with staff and help them to get to know the resident and personal likes and dislikes. There are all sorts of positives associated with having regular visitors and i'd have a list of them ready to support my case at the best interests meeting.

    Can you persuade your sister to support the move closer to you - it would take the responsibility off her shoulders and it would be much easier if you were both asking for the same thing? It's a long shot but perhaps you could sell the idea to her on the basis that you would do most of the visiting and she could have proper quality time. Just a thought. Although people with dementia do forget, what they don't forget is that 'good feeling', the positive emotions of a good visit and contact with a loved one last a long time and continue long after the detailed memory of a specific visit have vanished from the mind. After all it's all about making people feel wanted, loved, important at the end of the day xx
     
  5. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    Hi Bisto, welcome to TP
    Not too much to say other that every time I see a thread on here with "Only Child" in the title it makes me smile, their worry is they have to cope alone, sometimes they don't know how lucky they are. Sibling issues go straight to the core and can run very deep in a way that only children possibly can't understand, it's something that you've had to live with almost since birth.
    You could get mean and find a care home that's cheaper and nearer you then use the financial LPA to justify the move, provided it met all his needs.
    But that's a bit of a last resort persuasion would be better, but not everyone understands what happens "When Siblings Go Bad" (no doubt a new programme in the making coming to a Sky TV channel near you soon).
    K
     

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