Please forgive me. Just need to offload.

[Demonica66]

Hi everyone. I've never started a thread but just selfishly need to offload. My mum has vascular dementia due to alcoholism causing high blood pressure and strokes. I am an only child and mum divorced in 1979 and never remarried. 12 years ago she retired and moved 130miles to be closer to me. And so, the nightmare began: her continual alcoholism, drama, crises, arguments, selfishness, lies, aggression, hours spent in A&E, hurtful words, disowning of me because I asked her to stop drinking, claims to her neighbours that I was cruel and deranged, continual attempts to break up my marriage, small hours spent breaking into her home to pick her up off the floor, wash away her urine and vomit, sit with her as she raged. My mum threw me out of her house and in the 3 weeks that I did not see her, she succumbed to dementia. I lost her and did not say goodbye. I have a hubby who had a stroke at 49, I work full time and I apparently have to apply to the court of protection for deputyship as mum refused to discuss it when she had capacity and is thousands of pounds in debt going back 20+ years. I visit her as often as I can (I work 8am-8pm 4 nights a week) and I am struggling so much. I have had to move mum to a residential home and feel so guilty. The guilt isn't only due to placing her in residential care. It is that, I am still so angry with her for all she puts me through. She has tried to control my whole life. I try so hard but God forgive me, I resent the fact that she treated me so badly and still I am expected to give and give. I have read this post back and realise how utterly 'woe is me' and selfish I sound but I am fearing for my mental health. Does anyone have any words of wisdom (nice or nasty) for me please? I just don't know how much longer I can pretend all is ok. I have tried GP, counselling etc, but the situation continues unabated. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I just cannot seem to get past it. I love my mum so much, and I know you only have one mum, but none of this seems to help. I am so, so fed up of it all. Sorry for the rant. Thank you.


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[Batsue]

Hi Demonica66, welcome to Talking Point.
Do not worry about offloading here, we all do it from time to time.It sometimes helps to write down how you are feeling and get it into the open. You are not selfish, you are stressed and worn out and have nothing to feel guilty about.
Please continue posting as it is a way of releasing tension.

 

[Beate]

Listen, you didn't put your mum into a home - dementia did. You had no choice and you have nothing to feel guilty about. No person can be forced to look after another, although social services sure try sometimes. You have a right to your own life. Quit the guilt trip - you have done everything you could for her. You have put her in a safe place where she is looked after. Having to apply for deputyship is stressful but sadly cannot be helped if you want to look after her finances. I say want - again no one can force you to. You could try to take a step back and scale down the visits for now. Let her get settled. Go on a holiday yourself. You've earned it.

 

[Demonica66]

Reedysue and Beate, thank you so much for your replies. I have written countless posts for this forum but always deleted before sending. I am glad I finally plucked up the courage - just knowing that others understand is such a comfort. Thank you both.


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[Lindy50]

Demonica, can I second all that Beate has said. You have been dealt a very difficult hand in life and you must be an exceptionally generous and loving person to have looked after your mum in such circumstances.

Your mum needs residential care, and you have done the best thing for her by arranging it. You are not obliged to manage her money. After all you have gone through, you can ask the social services to do this ( they have special departments for this purpose).

Please try not to feel guilty, you an an absolute star and you deserve a medal! Or at the very least, a holiday

Please keep posting if you find it helps - and above all, give yourself some credit! You deserve a break.

All the best

Lindy xx

 

[Lawson58]

All I can say is that your mother doesn't deserve you, doesn't deserve what you have done for her and hasn't earned the right to make constant demands on you.

Guilt is such a waste of energy and emotion because it achieves absolutely nothing. I think you need to take a deep breath and bite the bullet about where your priorities lie,
you and your health and your husband being your main considerations.

It's been said before on another thread that you can't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm and that is what you doing with your mother. Give yourself a break and skip a couple of the visits to your mother. It doesn't sound as if she really needs you and the situation will destroy you if you let it.


Be proud. You should be.

 

[Quilty]

Dear friend, keep posting and offloading here. The great thing about TP is it helps you realise that you are not the only one with "dark thoughts". You are not a bad person - far from it. You have been there time and again.

He are now in recovery. Your Mum is safe and someone else needs to pick her up when she falls. You can go back to just being a daughter and not a carer. Use this time to reclaim your life. Scale back your visits to a level you feel ok with. Protect yourself and keep yourself safe. Your mum is already safe.

Kill the guilt monsters. None of this is your fault. Without you she would be much worse off. Rediscover your free time and use it. Seek out things that make you happy no matter how small and insignificant.

You should be proud of sticking through and not walking away. We are all on your side.

 

[Isabella41]

Dear Dominica. You are not alone and sadly your story is a similar if not identical story to so many on here. I too have an unbelievably selfish mother who put me through so much. You say you love your mother so much and yet this woman does not appear to have shown you much if any motherly love. I'm a trained counsellor and have had extensive counselling myself to help me to come to terms with the impact my mum's behaviour had on my life. It's an inbuilt thing in every child to want and need the love of their parents especially their mother. The more we don't get it the more that small voice in our head tells us to try harder to 'earn' that love. It can drive us crazy. I don't know if this resonates with you or not.

You do have choices. You are an adult now and are no longer beholden to your mother. You can choose to say no. You don't have to answer to anyone or justify why you are or are not doing something. You say you are expected to give. Who do you feel expects you to give? Who says you have to apply to the court of protection. Your mum is now in a care home. She is warm and fed. If you disappeared off the face of the earth the Local Authority would step in and apply for deptutyship. They do this every day where people have no close relatives willing to manage their finances.

You sound like you have been subjected to far more than alot of people could bear. You sound like an incredibly strong person to have been able to carry on in the face of so much adversity. Can I gently suggest that you limit your visits to your mother to perhaps once every week to 10 days for a while. It will allow her to settle in and allow you some breathing space. Also think long and hard regards the deputyship. You don't have to do this. No one can force you to. I'm assuming your mother is only on a basic state pension so all you would be managing would be her personal allowance each week which is a pittance.

I'm sorry if this is a really long post but I really do feel for you. I hope you do find the emotional help and support to need to help your mental health to recover. Be kind to yourself. X

 

[Sianey]

Your Mum

Demonica66, I read your post and completely understand. It's very difficult giving so much back when sometimes parents didn't give out too much in the way of understanding or empathy when they were younger and didn't do a brilliant job themselves.

The guilt you feel will slowly subside.

I also don't post a great deal for fear of being judged etc also some people are better at articulating themselves over the Internet better than others, I'm better person to person, it's just finding the right person to offload to as unless you are going through what we are going through its hard to understand.

Reading a lot of other threads helps though as a lot of them are the same things that's happening to us all.

Your Mum is lucky to have you looking out for her after everything you've been through and she should be proud and you should be proud of yourself.xx

 

[patsy56]

Demonica66, have seen everyones replies all I can do is give you a hugg, if I could give you a medal I would.....you deserve.

 

[jugglingmum]

My dad's sister was an alcoholic, he spent a lot of his time and effort trying to look after her, which impacted on our lives as children. We didn't see a lot of her, but I know my aunt was extremely jealous of my mum and felt mum had stolen my dad from her (dad was 20 years older and her mum(dad's stepmum) died when she was a teenager - they were a very close knit family from letters I have seen when house clearing). She was very nasty to my mum and had an ability to spoil family gatherings (wanted parent's wedding to be about her, made a scene at my christening and so on).

Whilst it is an illness, Alcoholism takes a massive toll on those around and I would have walked away long ago, you have given more than she deserves over the years already.

You have been a very very good daughter, more than your mum deserves. You need to look after yourself, not your mum, and let someone else deal with it.

 

[CollegeGirl]

The fact that you still love your mum despite everything shows just what an amazing, compassionate person you are. I feel that it's now time for you. Let someone else take the reins now. Step back from the responsibilities and just be a loving daughter who visits her mum to keep her company for a while. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

 

[Demonica66]

Dear friends, I thank you all so much for your posts. Knowing there is support here is wonderful. I cried when I read your kind words and I will definitely take all of your advice. I am going to limit my visits to weekly for the moment and not try and be all things to all men. Thank you again so much. Love to you all. X


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[Summerheather]

Be kind to yourself, don't let the guilt monster hurt you. Don't apply for poa

 

[SarahL]

Dear friends, I thank you all so much for your posts. Knowing there is support here is wonderful. I cried when I read your kind words and I will definitely take all of your advice. I am going to limit my visits to weekly for the moment and not try and be all things to all men. Thank you again so much. Love to you all


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Demonica, you have done amazingly well. If you read your original post as though someone else had written it, you would say the same to that person. I too have had the most difficult journey, complicated by a sad and difficult past and I dealt with my Mum's Alzheimer's and mental health issues all alone for many years. She is in a care home now having gone in six months ago. I have good and bad days with the guilt but also have to remind myself that I couldn't go back to the way things were. I am having a funny moment right now feeling like I've been living some sort of dream for the past many years, it's actually totally surreal. You must have some time for you now and live your life, you deserve it and I wish you all the best. x