1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Please don't throw me away, breaking my promise

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by kindred, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Oh my darling, how beautiful is that, how beautiful. Geraldine with love. Gxxx
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    OK guys, I know, I know and please don't tell me off. I don't normally go to see keith on sundays, I go to church. But today, largely inspired by your lovely responses to me post, and also tipped into it by the lovely weather, and a huge dose of needing to see my beautiful boy again, off I go.
    And on the walk there, on the walk there, miraculously, for ten minutes I feel normal and human again. That is ten minutes in five long years. I hope the feeling comes back, usually I am keeping cheerful over a huge layer of grief, but you know about that all of you. I guess ten minutes can be built on.
    Very nice atmosphere, Keith beautiful in his blue and white shirt and getting better at singing along to yellow submarine. Nurses and carers gave me such a welcome. I felt needed and useful.
    Can't beat it.
    with love to you all, and thank you so very much, Geraldinexxxx
  3. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    What a wonderful expression Kindred - it describes so well how I feel most of the time, especially when visiting J in care home - just heading there now.

    Thank you so much - hugs to all - Lilac
  4. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    I hope you have a good visit, Lilac, and so so lovely to hear from you. Thank you with all heart. And I so love your online name. Lilac is just so wonderful ... Geraldine with love and best ...xxx
  5. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    I am so very sorry, I feel so sad for you. Hold on to your dreams, my dreams are often so real too, they give great comfort. May his spirit be free, physical presence may have faded but Love does not. In your dreams and thoughts you will be together. A big hug at this time. X
  6. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    OK, in I go and the first thing I see is AN INFLATABLE PINK PIG. Ah, it is the Chinese Year of the Pig and the two beautiful activity nurses are in Chinese costumes pinning red balloons and chinese lanterns all over the place.
    I am year of the dog it seems and Keith is year of the rooster. Makes metaphorical sense.
    Keith is down nice and early so we can do our hi ho opera and follow this with a resident seminar on the Mikado and three little girls from school are we ...
    It seems the chef is trying to turn pork casserole into a chinese meal so this should be good ...
    We have a seminar on red underwear which apparently is good luck in the Chinese New Year ...and then it all sort of kicks off.
    First up is the flying yoghurt which a resident who is angry at just about anything tosses across the room. Then everyone seems to kick off and want something as the activity girls are trying to set things up ... the amount of energy in the place is just huge and two residents who normally sit quietly get up and walk around - to our delight!
    I don't think Keith can do this any more, alas. But you never know. I had to come home for a meeting this afternoon so will miss some of the activities, but will hear about them. The chinese meal was great! As I left, Keith says to me:We're OK aren't we? And I tell him, blue eyed boy, oh yes forever and ever. Into the future, even past the year of the rabbit.
    Thanks guys, thank you. with love, Geraldinexxx
  7. Rosebush

    Rosebush Registered User

    Apr 2, 2018
    I'm the year of the Ox and so is my daughter, turns out OH is the year of the pig, when is the year of the Rabbit?:) Lxx
  8. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
  10. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    I wish I'd been born in the year of the ostrich (if there had been one) and then I could bury my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening.
  11. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Oh I know, sweetheart, all sympathy. with love and thanks, Geraldinex
  12. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Visit started well! I made special effort to look pretty, nice yellow and orange scarf around my rabbit brooch and Keith who was down early (I think they get him down early as I tend to go in earlier these days) said to me with such a smile, such a smile, You are so luscious!
    Made me feel very chuffed. On my way to Keith, I overheard a Bristol exchange between two workmen. One said eh up? and the other replied, as Bristolians do, ooo - ar.
    So I initiated a residential seminar about this and lots of them recognised it. We practised lots. Asked the handyman for his opinion and he comes from Birmingham so he said they say something else, and as far as he is concerned, all us west country people are farmers or pirates. Great laughter!
    I am wearing a bright yellow rucksack to practise for when I can't carry bags after my hip operation and we did a rousing chorus of I LOVE TO GO A WANDERING .... Haven't sung that for years.
    This was followed by a lively seminar about football (We have two teams here).
    Keith kept edging to the brink of his chair and I tried to get from him where he wanted to go. Eventually he agreed to the mountains of North Wales where we used to have our holidays and go climbing. So we agreed we would go after tea and biscuits. Oh, lovely, lovely blue eyed one, I wish, I so wish!
    Thank you guys, thank you. Back tomorrow.
    with love, Geraldinexxx
  13. elvismad

    elvismad Registered User

    Jan 8, 2012
    @kindred, I find I look for your daily updates and they cheer me so. Thank you for sharing your visits with us.
    I have come to realise that my visits to mum can be so special. In the lounge last Saturday, the song My Girl was being sung on the TV . Mum rarely makes conversation now but as I sat holding her hand and singing the words of the song to her, she joined in for a line or two with a big smile and then told me she loved me. Special moment.
  14. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Oh thank you, thank you, that is so encouraging and lovely. Yes, visits can be so special, it just takes a half a minute of magic to transform it all. And when you think about it, that's about as much as most of us can ask for in our normal lives. It was so lovely to hear about your magic moment, thank you!! Geraldinexxwith love.
  15. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    East of England
    I got back from my shopping this morning for lunch and I gave it to him and as he sat in his armchair gave him his cup of coffee and some dessert. He looked up at me and said you are so kind to me. These moments are special Geraldine but it’s heartbreaking xx
  16. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Oh my darling one, I know, I know. But love itself is often heartbreaking if you think about it. I am so so glad your husband said this. Obviously, I write what happens to me in this post, but it's an idea to write these good moments in a diary or something. I think so anyway. I am a writer by profession and last week thought I would throw away a few notebooks, I mean, why keep them. I flicked through a little Peter Rabbit notebook thinking that would be first in the bin and I realised it was a lilttle book I had written just before K was diagnosed. I can hardly believe the happiness radiated in that little book! Now I keep it on my desk and read a page or so a day and it reminds me how good life has been. Helps me, anyway! with love and thanks, thank you! Geraldinexxx
  17. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Now, I know that the world will belong to those who can accept change cheerfully and on the hoof,. So when confronted with the fact that the lift had broken down again, I managed to keep smiling. It was difficult because my hip and leg very bad this morning and Keith is on the third floor. So I had a cup of tea and the lovely activity nurse went up to check on Keith and brought me back a lovely report. she said he is sitting up, laughing, wearing blue.
    Boosted by the said cup of tea and the activity nurse who came with me, I managed to climb the stairs to see Keith and we had a lovely, quiet, gentle time. Our one to one in the bedroom is always lovely, think Keith loves that. As I arrived, he said, my lovely, lovely girl. And we talked about this and that, and joked. And I looked out of his window at the overflowing guttering and the foxes in the gardens and at the magpie whose tail was being blown over his head.
    Keith leans forward and whispers that they mated in Farnborough and it's all absolutely marvellous!
    And as I leave him to go back down he calls after me, I am not suffering from loss of memory, it's behind the curtain ...
    Back down we have a seminar on latin and it is amazing how many residents can do Amo, amas, amat .... We extended this to Shakespeare and quotes such as Friends, Romans, countrymen ...
    Oh my dear friends, I do so hope the lift is mended tomorrow!!
    with love to you all and thank you! Geraldinexxxx
  18. Toony Oony

    Toony Oony Registered User

    Jun 21, 2016
    Oh @kindred - 'I am not suffering from loss of memory, it's behind the curtain' - that really touched me. It very cleverly sums it all up ...... it's all there, but just out of reach.

    So sorry to hear about the troublesome lift - ours were both working fine this afternoon, but with the seeming telepathy between yours and ours, I quite expect to see them out of order on my next visit.

    Mum is sleeping very heavily, very frequently, and her hands, feet and extremities are getting so chilly despite the furnace-like heat of the the CH. Her animatronic cat has run out of battery and is not miaowing, but she seems not to notice. She called me 'her friend' the other day, rather than my name :(.
    Mum has the best wardrobe of clothes (oops I am a self-confessed clothesaholic!) and the Carers love dressing her up. Today she was a vision in lavender, even down to her socks and shoes!
    Amidst all this sleeping (and, though I hate to admit it, but very obvious further deterioration) somehow she had managed to acquire an ashtray (she is a real klepto these days). It was one of those ones that you press down in the middle and it spins the ash into the base. I haven't the foggiest idea where she got it from and neither had any of the carers! The other day she had 'acquired' a big spray bottle (I quickly removed it as I could envisage what havoc she could wreak with that!). When daughter visited last weekend, Mum had a high old time mixing salt into the sugar bowls at lunch time. I so wish that I could have had a laugh with her about all this, and let it be our own little conspiracy - but sadly those days have long gone.
    Apologies for a somewhat dismal post. I try to squeeze as much 'positive' as possible from every moment spent with Mum, for both her and myself, but it is getting so much harder ...

    Love to you and Keith XX
  19. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Oh this is a wondrous post, and your mum being a vision in lavender even down to socks and shoes! How beautiful is this. An ashtray!!? Oh yes, I remember the press down variety. Goodness me. I know what you mean about squeezing every positive, it's what we do, isn't it. It takes it out of me, but I see one of my roles to keep showing delight in just about everything to help keep morale up, if know what mean. The nurses tell me it helps a lot with morale. I am sorry about the cat, ours has long run out of just about everything but is still dearly loved by the resident who claims it, as it were.
    I'm told our lift is working, sweetheart, so you need have no worries about yours!
    It is so good to hear from you and of course, of course I understand about it getting so much harder to keep positive ... I know, Toony, I know. With love and so many thanks, Geraldinexxxxx
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    Toony and Geraldine, I am sorry about the lifts, they can be so frustrating to fix, we were in retirement flats and they were a real bane. We are now in a bungalow!

    I think for some of us this positive outlook is like an amour that has got welded into our being to protect us.
    Like amour it works but it can get a bit heavy to carry around!
    Yesterday I managed to get a lift for the two of us to a club lunch followed by an activity, I listened to people, told stories to make them laugh and to keep conversations flowing and inclusive.
    This was followed by a welcome visitor who needed full on attention, by night my mouth infection was roaring, I am selftreating to try and prevent it getting worse.

    The thing is people do not want to hear this. Most are so wrapped up in their own lives, they look upon us with a false pity. If this pity turned in to practical help it would be altogether different.
    Often, and I may be uncharitable, people give words of sympathy such a Poor ........... almost as a talisman to protect their own fears. A friend, and we are friends, has said how her husband still has a brilliant mind, as if saying so will make it so. (Behaviours already tell a different story) she tends to be condescending sometimes as if it could not possibly happen to them. I really hope it does not, they do not have the amour.
    I love you posts, your ability to see the positive however hard inside.

    Love to you both, Alice

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.