1. Q&A: Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) - Thursday 27 Sept, 3-4pm

    Power of attorney (LPA) is a legal tool that gives another adult - often a carer or family member - the legal authority to make decisions on behalf of someone with dementia, if they become unable to themselves.

    Our next expert Q&A will be hosted by Flora and Helen from our Knowledge Services team. They will be answering your questions on LPA on Thursday 27 September from 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Please don't throw me away, breaking my promise

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by kindred, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,069
    Cotswolds
    Oh @kindred, this is an amazing thread! Please keep the posts coming, your honesty, compassion and energy are invaluable. (No pressure then! :p)
    Love
    Lindy xx
     
  2. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Oh thank you with all my heart, a historian! What a wonderful identity to have and to share, thank you! Gxxx
     
  3. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Jan, thank you so very much. And thank you for your loving, encouraging words. I do love getting involved, being mouthy, getting a laugh. Put on EXTRA RED LIPSTICK before I go in ... that's my armour. I'm sure us girls understand ... all love, thankyou, Gxxxxx
     
  4. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Lindy, thank you so very much, that is so encouraging and inspiring to hear. With love, and onwards then, Geraldinexxxx
     
  5. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Darling, thank you so much. Of course, posting here to you is one of the major imperatives of my day, it really is, I love it so much and I so love hearing from you. I came to the conclusion today that Keith is much happier in his nursing home than he was latterly here with me. There are people and noise and bustle and better food than I could provide! It is a happy thought. Thank you so very much. with love, Geraldinexxxx
     
  6. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,069
    Cotswolds
    Oh I understand :D My armour is GLITTERY EYE SHADOW AND MASCARA :cool: I kid you not!!!
    Tastefully done of course......:p xx
     
  7. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Ah, the glittery!!! I love it! Gxxxx Us girls need a bit of lippy and sparkle. For long time looking after Keith, I forgot to be a girl. I'm finding that is actually coming back now. Gxxxthank you.
     
  8. Mammajan

    Mammajan Registered User

    Sep 11, 2018
    11
    My god, I hope when the time comes I’m as brave as you. X
     
  9. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    What a lovely thing to say, thank you. I never feel brave. I have had a lifelong motto, go into the dark, show no fear ... and it works under dire circumstances. But thank you and so good to hear from you. Geraldine aka kindred.
     
  10. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    150
    Female
    Staffordshire
    I love that motto @kindred...also love reading your posts hugs A x
     
  11. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Been a BIT OF A DAY. Sorry, forgot to say hello folks. Now where was I? Lifts out of action everywhere, and I know, I know, bit of walking up steps never hurt anyone, but they do me at the moment (bad hip, heavy bag). Endless having to learn NEW TECHNOLOGY (keep hoping I will wake up and it's all GONE AWAY, except our TP of course ...). Oh, stuff like that. Anyway, bounced as far as I could bounce into Keith's home (where his lift had gone wrong, too). Just in time to catch the last few minutes of Keith's alertness before he sleeps his way to the next cup of tea and a cake. When i arrived and said, here I am, he replied OH MY GOD ... so whether I look particularly awful or something, haven't dared look in a mirror since. There had been a morning of perfume testing, so lots of scent smells. Then the activity nurses set up for collage poster making and this was going great guns until the woman who was supposed to come last week to do music and movement turned up this week instead ... and it all goes from there. Do you ever get days like this, guys? Wasn't there an Elvis song about do you ever get one of those days, boys, do you ever get one of those days? when nothing is right from morning til night, do you ever get one of those days? Do any of you remember it or is it my mind playing tricks??
    Time of day
    Not to smile
    Just the remnants
    of a happy song.
    I'll take that.
    Anything, anything, blue eyed boy
    is better than nothing.
     
  12. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Thank YOU. great to hear from you. Gxx
     
  13. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Hello again! When I arrived, and I went very early, Keith not yet down, so I thought great, that gives me a chance to give him a fantastic welcome when he arrives in the wheelchair. And as I had picked up a big bag of conkers and some in their cases, I went round to the other residents and we talked about their childhood memories of conkers. Great stuff, some lovely stories about conkering and getting chased by the police for damaging trees, stuff like that.
    So anyway, eventually saw Keith was coming down and prepared to give him a hero welcome but he did not register me at all, nothing on his radar. The staff bringing him in gave me rueful smiles and tried to make light of it, as did I ... Anyway, happy to report that after two cups of tea and three custard creams, he suddenly came alive and shouted; WE MUSTN'T FORGET THE UNIONS ... So I immediately fell into my role as Union Representative and we discussed the negotiation of the deal. AND THEN he started to talk to himself and he said my name as part of the narrative. So I listened very carefully and he was saying that there are two things that Geraldine has to have, cheese and shoes. Now, guys, I only ever have three pairs of shoes at any one time and am indifferent to cheese, so do not know what this is all about!!
    How would we cope without cups of tea???
    Lovely autumn day here, sunny, breezy and so full of conkers and robins.
    Thank you for being with me on this journey. I wish there were a better word than journey. Can any of you think of one for us?
    with love, Kindredxxxxx
     
  14. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    180
    Female
    Dear Geraldine.... another wonderful heart warming post, thank you.
    You make me feel ashamed that you look for the positive, and find the positive in where you and Keith are. Why am I so negative?

    Journey? I have no idea of an alternative word, but journey doesn’t seem appropriate to me. I want to go on a journey to see my family, or to walk barefoot on the beach, or out for a lovely meal. I don’t want to be going where we are now, because I don’t want what is at the end of it. And there is no alternative.

    Hey husband has been getting very upset and confused about his upcoming surgery and hospital stay. We go over the letter again and again. He gets upset about everything, we talk about it, he is pacified, and then he says again I need to talk to you. This happens so many times and we go over it again and again.

    I don’t want to feel like this. I know that there are many thousands of people going through the same as I am. But I want to handle things better, I want to feel more positive, I just don’t know how to do that.

    It’s like I’m losing myself as well as my husband. And it’s a roller coaster ride I just don’t know how to get off.

    But, thank you for your lovely posts Geraldine. B xx
     
  15. carolynp

    carolynp Registered User

    Mar 4, 2018
    555
    I wonder whether a very small, pocket sized fluffy toy might help your husband with this anxiety. Could you either choose something from the mementoes drawer, or buy something? Large chemists here often have things like that for children.

    My son as a six year old became upset at school, leaving his disabled younger brother (and all the extra attention his brother got!) at home each day. We put a tiny corduroy elephant in his pocket. No one could see it, to tease him about it, but he could touch it when the school day got too much for him and he was missing home.

    A few years later, a support group member was having the same problem with her little girl. She used the same remedy and it worked.

    The object does need to be made special in some way. My friend and her husband sat their daughter down and told her how much they loved her and that they had chosen this special little teddy to remind her of that when she was missing them, and her disabled little brother, at school. It worked like magic.

    A small token that your husband can finger now, and take to hospital with him, even if it’s not a teddy but a piece of soft cloth or something with your scent on it, perhaps, may comfort him now and can be with him then.
     
  16. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    1,376
    Sweetheart, so good to hear from you. You are not negative, you are under considerable strain darling. The situations we are forced to endure are too much for us. I made myself not more positive but more in control back in the worst days when Keith was at home by telling myself I was the manager of the situation not the victim of it. That usually enabled me to get by for another ten minutes, if you see what I mean.
    Absolutely yes to losing yourself, I know so many of us on here have felt that. I felt I didn't matter, I was a slave to dementia and that was my role in life. It got as low as that. Please keep talking to us, it is so very good and valuable to hear from you. You are getting through this, it is such a tough time, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. All love, sweetheart, so good to hear from you. Geraldinexxx
     
  17. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    180
    Female
    Thank you so much...
    I don’t know if it would work, but I will give it a lot of thought to try to find something that he would find appropriate. It’s funny isn’t it how we get into the mind set of a no win situation! I’m sure I could find something that would comfort him, but then I think he will feel I’m patronising him. Dementia is here, but sometimes not here. It’s like it is designed to keep us carers on our toes, keeping us guessing, trying to do the right thing to keep the peace and harmony. Something I don’t seem to be very good at a lot of the time!
    Take care, and again thank you x
     
  18. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    180
    Female
    Thank you Geraldine... I love hearing from you. You make me feel that it’s ok to feel the way I am. I so welcome your kind comments...
    Love B xx
     
  19. carolynp

    carolynp Registered User

    Mar 4, 2018
    555
    Yes I see exactly what you mean. It’s the same here. On our toes is right! Maybe then an adult item, something meaningful to him, even a photo in a pocket frame? Or something he’s kept from childhood?

    I agree though they are simultaneously aware and not aware, it’s so terribly hard, and incredibly
    frustrating when meanwhile we really, truly wouldn’t mind getting a day off (for example) and trying to cobble our own lives back together! Right now my very helpful son, visiting from far away, is overdoing the help, wants to do things for OH that I simply don’t think are priorities, while meanwhile I just want to scream, What about me?!
     
  20. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    180
    Female
    I think a photo of the two of us might just be the thing. Especially for his hospital stay. Last surgery he came home very confused, then developed sepsis, and his confusion and delirium went off the scale. He thought the man opposite was in a Citroen car.
    It constantly surprises me that other people are going through the same as me. It feels so unique, but of course it isn’t. So your comments and knowing that you understand, that you are experiencing the same trials and tribulations, is comforting.
    I too have a family that live 300 miles away, they have their own lives, run their own business, and I don’t get to see them. Sometimes I think it is a blessing as I’m not sure I have the energy or inclination to be sociable for more than a couple of hours. Sounds dreadful doesn’t it. And now I’m ashamed of feeling like that.
    Please take care and thank you xx
     

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