Please don't throw me away, breaking my promise

[Grahamstown]

Where would we be without this forum, we are having a few days away. Our last holiday was good but this time bit more difficult. After waking up at 12 midnight to ask me to put the bathroom light off (we have always left it on so that he could find the bathroom) we had words and afterwards I felt so angry with myself for having words that I cried quietly in my bed. Three hours later I awoke to find him looking for the bathroom. I hate this despicable disease and what it is doing to my husband of 61 years. However we have now had two good nights and days so all is well again.

Oh I know this feeling so well when you come to the end of your tether. My thoughts and hugs to you as I have been there too. We are going away to the seaside for 4 days next week and will see family and friends but I have mixed feelings about it because it is all so much more difficult in company. We shall have times for a walk on the promenade though.

 

[kindred]

To misquote Dickens, today was the best of times and the worst of times. Visiting Keith, I mean, and probably not actually the worst, just a stricken moment or two.
He was in a great mood, laughing and joking with me, huge smiles. All good. AND THEN he got carried away telling one story, goodness knows what about but a bloke called Bob was implicated and he propelled himself head first out of his chair. All long legs and elbows and totally helpless. I tried to move him but absolutely could not, carers came running and they got him back in chair but his confidence was shot and he was close to tears. So was mine as this was so much what it was like when I was caring for him at home, wondering how on earth to get him upright again.
By the time he had had fish and chips for dinner all was a bit better, but I still feel shaken and I know he does, or did. Would he remember?
Thanks guys, thank you. all love, Geraldine aka kindredxxxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

So sorry to hear that @kindred ... I do hope you are not too upset and that Keith has settled now. Seeing them upset, close to tears, is just heartbreaking. I do feel for you G x
We live on a roller coaster don’t we. Sadly far too many lows and not very many highs.
We had another hurdle today when DVLA revoked his licence. He hasn’t driven for a year anyway, and had no intention of driving again, but it just seems so cruel. He has lost so much and now we have to post back to them the one thing that he didn’t want to lose. It has made him feel a lesser person. I know it has hurt him, but he said he is fine about it.... his face tells a different story.
I sit looking at him and know he isn’t happy, I don’t remember the last time he laughed and seemed truly happy.
On a brighter note... at least I now know what the 3 am drip drip drip was.... And it wasn’t a leaky roof, now that is something to be relieved if not happy about!

 

[kindred]

So sorry to hear that @kindred ... I do hope you are not too upset and that Keith has settled now. Seeing them upset, close to tears, is just heartbreaking. I do feel for you G x
We live on a roller coaster don’t we. Sadly far too many lows and not very many highs.
We had another hurdle today when DVLA revoked his licence. He hasn’t driven for a year anyway, and had no intention of driving again, but it just seems so cruel. He has lost so much and now we have to post back to them the one thing that he didn’t want to lose. It has made him feel a lesser person. I know it has hurt him, but he said he is fine about it.... his face tells a different story.
I sit looking at him and know he isn’t happy, I don’t remember the last time he laughed and seemed truly happy.
On a brighter note... at least I now know what the 3 am drip drip drip was.... And it wasn’t a leaky roof, now that is something to be relieved if not happy about!

Well you HAVE to tell me what it was, a squirrel beating time to the wind? A pigeon with loose bowels? What caused the drip?? the suspense is killing me.
So good to hear from you sweetheart. I am so sorry about the licence. Their driving licence means such a lot to blokes doesn't it. I do understand. Oh love, this is heartbreaking for you to see, and for him to go through. Yes, completely about the roller coaster. I phoned Keith's home just now and he is settled, just had some tea and cake. Thank you with all heart, sweetheart, thank you. It's so good to hear from you, my heart always lifts when I see you have posted. with love, Geraldine aka kindred. xxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

Glad Keith has settled... means you can also feel settled hopefully.
How about a gin and tonic, ice and slice? Or a Baileys with ice, no slice! Not that I’m accusing you of over imbibing!!
My gorgeous brother in law came over after doing a mammoth long distance drive, bless him. He crawled all over the loft, felt under all the water tanks, felt all the insulation for any signs of damp, plunged himself into darkness looking for signs of light. Nothing! Went outside, checked guttering, round sides of house. Nothing.
A mystery....
Then it dawned on me.... when the wind blows in a certain direction and it rains heavily, it drips in lumps off the apex onto the long ladders padlocked to the side of the house. Bingo! Why didn’t I think of that at 3 am?
Poor exhausted brother in law!!
He is a treasure xx

 

[cumbria35]

Oh I know this feeling so well when you come to the end of your tether. My thoughts and hugs to you as I have been there too. We are going away to the seaside for 4 days next week and will see family and friends but I have mixed feelings about it because it is all so much more difficult in company. We shall have times for a walk on the promenade though.

 

[cumbria35]

We are now home, he had forgotten the upset the other night and says he had really enjoyed his break. So pleased about that. We had the company of a couple from London in the lounge last night and found we had much in common which made me feel much better. They had travelled lots and the wife understood how I felt. Made a nice change.

 

[kindred]

Glad Keith has settled... means you can also feel settled hopefully.
How about a gin and tonic, ice and slice? Or a Baileys with ice, no slice! Not that I’m accusing you of over imbibing!!
My gorgeous brother in law came over after doing a mammoth long distance drive, bless him. He crawled all over the loft, felt under all the water tanks, felt all the insulation for any signs of damp, plunged himself into darkness looking for signs of light. Nothing! Went outside, checked guttering, round sides of house. Nothing.
A mystery....
Then it dawned on me.... when the wind blows in a certain direction and it rains heavily, it drips in lumps off the apex onto the long ladders padlocked to the side of the house. Bingo! Why didn’t I think of that at 3 am?
Poor exhausted brother in law!!
He is a treasure xx

Oh my dear, what a story! BIL to the rescue!! Good. No squirrels or tap dancing mice, then. Gxxx

 

[kindred]

We are now home, he had forgotten the upset the other night and says he had really enjoyed his break. So pleased about that. We had the company of a couple from London in the lounge last night and found we had much in common which made me feel much better. They had travelled lots and the wife understood how I felt. Made a nice change.

Oh yes, glad about that! Thank you. Warmest, Kindred.xxxx

 

[AliceA]

When my OH was first diagnosed about four and a half years ago, he said to me, on the way home, please don't throw me away ... we are 72 and have been together since we were 18. He is the love of my life. I promised him I would never do that, never, he would never have to go in a home. We would stay together forever.

Fast forward to this year, and four years of intensive caring as OH deteriorated oh so rapidly. I was broken and making myself carry on by writing 100 lines each night, I must endure. I am sole carer. Then the train crash, terrible fall, a and e and admission to hospital and the social worker writing the best interest statement that his needs were best met in residential care. I know this is right, I have watched three medical people move him, needs three, whereas I had been managing on my own. OH is tall and I am tiny.

I have had to make another promise, I will be with you. We are still together. I spend up to three hours every day in his nursing home. I would like to tell you what it is like, you may find it reassuring. Yesterday when I went there after work (I still work two days a week as a mental health professional), he knew it was me and put his arms out for me and we had a hug. This has not happened in weeks before the accident. He is relaxed and happy for the first time. I think he was lonely with just me, even though I was trying to be an entertainer, well you know all that ...

The staff greet me by telling me what he has been doing in the day, what kind of a night. They know and appreciate him so well, he is a gentle and positive presence even though he does talk nonsense all day!!
I wonder how he will be when I go in today. And I am keeping my new promise, I am with him. That means the world to me, I have not failed completely. Thank you all, this is a wonderful forum.

When my OH was first diagnosed about four and a half years ago, he said to me, on the way home, please don't throw me away ... we are 72 and have been together since we were 18. He is the love of my life. I promised him I would never do that, never, he would never have to go in a home. We would stay together forever.

Fast forward to this year, and four years of intensive caring as OH deteriorated oh so rapidly. I was broken and making myself carry on by writing 100 lines each night, I must endure. I am sole carer. Then the train crash, terrible fall, a and e and admission to hospital and the social worker writing the best interest statement that his needs were best met in residential care. I know this is right, I have watched three medical people move him, needs three, whereas I had been managing on my own. OH is tall and I am tiny.

I have had to make another promise, I will be with you. We are still together. I spend up to three hours every day in his nursing home. I would like to tell you what it is like, you may find it reassuring. Yesterday when I went there after work (I still work two days a week as a mental health professional), he knew it was me and put his arms out for me and we had a hug. This has not happened in weeks before the accident. He is relaxed and happy for the first time. I think he was lonely with just me, even though I was trying to be an entertainer, well you know all that ...

The staff greet me by telling me what he has been doing in the day, what kind of a night. They know and appreciate him so well, he is a gentle and positive presence even though he does talk nonsense all day!!
I wonder how he will be when I go in today. And I am keeping my new promise, I am with him. That means the world to me, I have not failed completely. Thank you all, this is a wonderful forum.

you have not failed at all, if anything you have achieved far more than before. The fact that he is content and reaches out for a hug shows what a good job you have done. I say job, because all good relationships have to be worked at. It is give and take. Sometimes more or one than the other, it is a rhythm, a dance of love. He gave you a hug, you give him the care he needs. We have been together over sixties years it is hard to know where one ends and the other starts, yet at the same time we are individuals with different needs. To me it sounds as if he is having his met by your love. It is hard doing everything for two when one has shared for so long. Xxx

 

[kindred]

you have not failed at all, if anything you have achieved far more than before. The fact that he is content and reaches out for a hug shows what a good job you have done. I say job, because all good relationships have to be worked at. It is give and take. Sometimes more or one than the other, it is a rhythm, a dance of love. He gave you a hug, you give him the care he needs. We have been together over sixties years it is hard to know where one ends and the other starts, yet at the same time we are individuals with different needs. To me it sounds as if he is having his met by your love. It is hard doing everything for two when one has shared for so long. Xxx

Thank you so very much Alice A. I loved your post and encouraging words that mean the world I love your description of the rhythm, a dance of love. And what you said about relationships ... I never thought I had one, we have kind of regarded our married unit as one person ... I know that sounds strange. Also because we have both had pretty awful other difficulties with family illness, Keith and I are a magnificent unit when things go wrong in life, but had to work harder to learn to enjoy ourselves - which we did with our joint wildlife activities, he photographed, I wrote. It is so so good to hear from you. Thank you so much. with love, Geraldinexxxx

 

[kindred]

Nice atmosphere today, very quiet. No activity nurses and I think this rather down time is needed. Anyway lots of opportunities for individual conversations. Trying to find out why one resident is going, he says, to escape at four o'clock precisely and he has plans ...
Finding out about India and Nepal from another who tells me about Everest by moonlight ... Keith wanted to tell me about the time he got carried away with enthusiasm. So I'm sitting leaning forward on full alert and ready to hear and he suddenly says, Oh I can't be bothered. And then breaks into laughter, as do I.
Another resident is teaching us all to say See you later, alligator, in a while crocodile, so I expect we shall hear nothing but for the next month.
Today the only real disaster when I was there was that in the pre-dinner tidy up SOMEONE TIDIED AWAY MY CUP OF TEA and I had a quarter of it left to go ...
Know you understand guys. Tomorrow I will not be in as I go to church, but back again on Monday. With love and great thanks for reading, and for responding. Geraldine aka kindredxxxx

 

[AliceA]

Nice atmosphere today, very quiet. No activity nurses and I think this rather down time is needed. Anyway lots of opportunities for individual conversations. Trying to find out why one resident is going, he says, to escape at four o'clock precisely and he has plans ...
Finding out about India and Nepal from another who tells me about Everest by moonlight ... Keith wanted to tell me about the time he got carried away with enthusiasm. So I'm sitting leaning forward on full alert and ready to hear and he suddenly says, Oh I can't be bothered. And then breaks into laughter, as do I.
Another resident is teaching us all to say See you later, alligator, in a while crocodile, so I expect we shall hear nothing but for the next month.
Today the only real disaster when I was there was that in the pre-dinner tidy up SOMEONE TIDIED AWAY MY CUP OF TEA and I had a quarter of it left to go ...
Know you understand guys. Tomorrow I will not be in as I go to church, but back again on Monday. With love and great thanks for reading, and for responding. Geraldine aka kindredxxxx

Thank you so very much Alice A. I loved your post and encouraging words that mean the world I love your description of the rhythm, a dance of love. And what you said about relationships ... I never thought I had one, we have kind of regarded our married unit as one person ... I know that sounds strange. Also because we have both had pretty awful other difficulties with family illness, Keith and I are a magnificent unit when things go wrong in life, but had to work harder to learn to enjoy ourselves - which we did with our joint wildlife activities, he photographed, I wrote. It is so so good to hear from you. Thank you so much. with love, Geraldinexxxx

In a way we are one, one glance bound us forever. But in the hurly burley I suppose the unit works often back to back twirling for the best part to face the issue. At the moment I am twirling madly! Yet slowly too. Protecting us both.
I think one of the best books on Life and Love is the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Of Marriage he says you were born together, and together you will be for evermore. He goes on to speak and compares the strings of the lute are alone but they quiver to the same music. He speaks of only the hand of Life ( to me this means God ) can contain your (two) hearts. We first came across this little work when we heard it at a Quaker Meeting, someone recited the poem about Children. We searched for a copy. The book was out of print for many years. Then it was available again, I have lost count of how many I have given away! Please remember us all (en bloc) in your prayers tomorrow. See you Monday. Xxx PS I think the verses are available on the web, perhaps Poem Hunter

 

[kindred]

In a way we are one, one glance bound us forever. But in the hurly burley I suppose the unit works often back to back twirling for the best part to face the issue. At the moment I am twirling madly! Yet slowly too. Protecting us both.
I think one of the best books on Life and Love is the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Of Marriage he says you were born together, and together you will be for evermore. He goes on to speak and compares the strings of the lute are alone but they quiver to the same music. He speaks of only the hand of Life ( to me this means God ) can contain your (two) hearts. We first came across this little work when we heard it at a Quaker Meeting, someone recited the poem about Children. We searched for a copy. The book was out of print for many years. Then it was available again, I have lost count of how many I have given away! Please remember us all (en bloc) in your prayers tomorrow. See you Monday. Xxx PS I think the verses are available on the web, perhaps Poem Hunter

Oh how beautiful, yes, I certainly will remember all of you, all of us, in my prayers. That is the most beautiful post, thank you with all heart. Evermore. with love, Geraldinexxxxxxx

 

[kindred]

I know, I know and I haven't gone to see Keith. I went to church as I told you I would do and did not go to Keith's home. But there I am singing and praying for forgiveness for dreadful sins I haven't really committed, well not lately anyway, and wondering if it would be more kindly and caring to be with Keith. I don't know. I guess I just miss him, I love the church usually ...Gxxx

 

[Manc70]

I know, I know and I haven't gone to see Keith. I went to church as I told you I would do and did not go to Keith's home. But there I am singing and praying for forgiveness for dreadful sins I haven't really committed, well not lately anyway, and wondering if it would be more kindly and caring to be with Keith. I don't know. I guess I just miss him, I love the church usually ...Gxxx

You don’t need me to tell you to go where your heart leads you, its only my opinion but I think you sing and pray in your heart wherever you are. As a fairly ‘newby’ to TP I follow your posts and you sound such a wonderful, kind, wise person and are an inspiration to me. Sorry to be soppy but you sound lovely xx

 

[Distressed55]

You don’t need me to tell you to go where your heart leads you, its only my opinion but I think you sing and pray in your heart wherever you are. As a fairly ‘newby’ to TP I follow your posts and you sound such a wonderful, kind, wise person and are an inspiration to me. Sorry to be soppy but you sound lovely xx

I second that!

 

[Lilac Blossom]

I know, I know and I haven't gone to see Keith. I went to church as I told you I would do and did not go to Keith's home. But there I am singing and praying for forgiveness for dreadful sins I haven't really committed, well not lately anyway, and wondering if it would be more kindly and caring to be with Keith. I don't know. I guess I just miss him, I love the church usually ...Gxxx

Ah dear Kindred, when I was in church this morning I had similar thoughts and I feel that no matter where I am, in my heart I am drawn to be with OH and that we belong together in spite of the fact that he is in care home. I did visit him this afternoon but I miss him so much when I go anywhere where used to go together.

 

[kindred]

You don’t need me to tell you to go where your heart leads you, its only my opinion but I think you sing and pray in your heart wherever you are. As a fairly ‘newby’ to TP I follow your posts and you sound such a wonderful, kind, wise person and are an inspiration to me. Sorry to be soppy but you sound lovely xx

Oh thank you so much, what encouraging and beautiful words, I shall treasure them. Thank you with all heart. with love Kindred. and welome to TP! xx

 

[kindred]

I second that!

Thank you so much! it's so good to be understood. Gxxx