Please Don't Read if Feeling Down

[MollyMae23]

I thought I would share something I was told today by a colleague at a charity I have recently joined that is supposed to support carers.

In a discussion about how difficult it is for carers to find help or information she looked me straight in the eye and told me that many carers who have to leave work to care for their loved ones are really just using it as an excuse to not work. After being dumbfounded for a few minutes I told her as she had so little understanding of how being on call 24/7 is more than challenging than any job with no recognition or help maybe she should find somewhere else to work.

I, sadly am no longer a carer as I lost my mum a year ago but when I was I constantly came across comments like how mad I was giving up my life for mum or why don't you just walk away and I am sure you have all come across many other unhelpful comments but I never expected to hear this sort of thing from someone who not only works for this charity but has also a degree in social work and, god help us, has worked as a carer in a care home.

She didn't seem to have an answer of what you are supposed to do if your loved one has dementia and needs not only help to cope with every day but also protected from uncaring, small minded people like herself.

 

[Grannie G]

What an ignorant woman. I'm glad you were able to put her straight.

 

[Kevinl]

I think people believe that the LS and the NHS do give a lot more help than they actually do, hence the regular post on here from new members who find out the hard way that you really are on your own. People often comment that the expected they'd get help like granny did when she got cancer.
Carer's allowance is £62.10 a week, quitting work is financial suicide, when caring ends and you have to get a job again how easy will that be to do.
K

 

[Aisling]

I thought I would share something I was told today by a colleague at a charity I have recently joined that is supposed to support carers.

In a discussion about how difficult it is for carers to find help or information she looked me straight in the eye and told me that many carers who have to leave work to care for their loved ones are really just using it as an excuse to not work. After being dumbfounded for a few minutes I told her as she had so little understanding of how being on call 24/7 is more than challenging than any job with no recognition or help maybe she should find somewhere else to work.

I, sadly am no longer a carer as I lost my mum a year ago but when I was I constantly came across comments like how mad I was giving up my life for mum or why don't you just walk away and I am sure you have all come across many other unhelpful comments but I never expected to hear this sort of thing from someone who not only works for this charity but has also a degree in social work and, god help us, has worked as a carer in a care home.

She didn't seem to have an answer of what you are supposed to do if your loved one has dementia and needs not only help to cope with every day but also protected from uncaring, small minded people like herself.

As Kevini said you are really on your own. The small mindedness of some people is dreadful. This comment from a carer with the degree is totally ignorant. Fair dues for putting her straight. Total culpable ignorance. Imagine even thinking like that? Wonder did she attend all her classes in her degree course??

Some of these charities leave a lot to be desired. The amount of money that goes to the top brass in amazing in this country. I have given up on most of them except the few who do amazing work and mostly run by volunteers

Thank you for posting. It is only carers who know the full awful stories re caring

I had to take early retirement to care for OH. My job was demanding but I loved every minute. It was tiring too but "a piece of cake" compared to 24/7 caring as you know.

Hugs from Ireland

Aisling

 

[MollyMae23]

I think people believe that the LS and the NHS do give a lot more help than they actually do, hence the regular post on here from new members who find out the hard way that you really are on your own. People often comment that the expected they'd get help like granny did when she got cancer.
Carer's allowance is £62.10 a week, quitting work is financial suicide, when caring ends and you have to get a job again how easy will that be to do.
K

That's really what happened to me. Mum went from my care to hospital and finally nursing home which was traumatic (we were very unlucky with care but I don't want to scare anyone). Once I had recovered and tried to get into work no one would touch me just this charity which I thought would at least understand. How wrong was I. Anyway I will try to fight the cause for carers from the inside until I have a reasonable amount of time there worth recording on my CV or I feel I am not the only one there who understands how it feels to hace to leave paid employment in order to ensure your loved one is cared for properly. Mind you I have to add now I can look back without the stress I feel immensly proud of being able to be there for mum fighting this awful disease.

 

[Otiruz]

In my short, but learning fast experience, there are people who enter the caring system to feel good about helping others and there are people who enter the caring system to feel good about themselves.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I'm glad you gave that person a sharp answer. I cannot believe her ignorance and stupidity. I cannot call it anything else.

 

[1mindy]

As kevin says how easy will it be to get a job when the caring ends. My OH is 70 with an OK pension . I'm 58 gave up work 2years ago to support him, this much harder than going to work. . We could do with an income now but I will certainly need one when he goes into care, which the way things are going will be sooner rather than later. Hope someone will want me then as o a p is not until I am 67, frightening prospect.

 

[chick1962]

As kevin says how easy will it be to get a job when the caring ends. My OH is 70 with an OK pension . I'm 58 gave up work 2years ago to support him, this much harder than going to work. . We could do with an income now but I will certainly need one when he goes into care, which the way things are going will be sooner rather than later. Hope someone will want me then as o a p is not until I am 67, frightening prospect.

So true ! I am 53 and in the same boat as you and had to give up my job to care for OH . Whilst hubs is not too bad , I dread looking into the future. Will there be any affordable CH left? I also have to be 67 to be an o a p . Indeed frightening xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[MollyMae23]

So true ! I am 53 and in the same boat as you and had to give up my job to care for OH . Whilst hubs is not too bad , I dread looking into the future. Will there be any affordable CH left? I also have to be 67 to be an o a p . Indeed frightening xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

I also am in my early 50s but hope the following will help as I have learned this from experience. Firstly, my situation is probably worse scenario, my siblings disappeared when mum was ill and my partner left right at the beginning when he realised he wasn't going to be centre of attention. I hope you have better support.

The most important advice I can give is while you are still caring contact a carers support group. The Carers Trust has a list of all the local groups associated with it. Even if you don't want any advise or help just register with them so they know you are there because they will continue support when anything changes and if you are anything like me you will need it. Also, if you can either join a face to face support group or volunteer for any organisation. Again this is to keep you social but also can be noted when you want or can return to work. I found that even though I had been caring for mum 24/7 for several years and I could identify all the skills this used it didn't mean anything to potential employers.

The only other advice I can give is the hardest to do, try to think now what you would like to do when you return to work and see if you can make plans of how to get there such as volunteering, courses etc.

I know all this sounds like a lot on top of caring and I confess I didn't do any of it but I now look back and think if I had been able to it would have been easier for me to return to work.

If you find a good support group they will offer social events, some offer respite or advise on the better care agencies (in the round about way that every one has to do to avoid being sued) and even offer free counselling and, on those days when everything gets on top of you, befriending. Remember they are supposed to provide full support to carers so if the one you contact doesn't do that find another there are a surprising number out there but as someone said earlier they are not all good.

The only other thing I would recommend whilst caring and after is this forum which has been a god send to me.

Hope the above helps someone.

 

[mancmum]

I did stop paid work

Do be careful. Make sure your union subs are up to date. Don't post from a work computer.

My father came to live with us. I had a professional job and regularly 40 - 50 hours a week. I thought I would hand him over to a carer and trot off to my job...a bit like I did when the kids were childminded. I tried to get people to cover this role and I couldn't within the time span I had to get it sorted. I saw people being dragged round charity shops by their carers and thought this is rubbish I am the one who holds my Dad's memories and can do this job and David Cameron had assured us that there would be a cap on care costs by 2016. I knew that this commitment would mean I could justify stopping paid work for a few years. Ah but they reversed their decision and now its 2020..my pension is shot to ribbons.

I did no longer enjoy my job but I am not workshy. It was a way out of some golden handcuffs but it is exactly the same sort of work that my second son does as a support worker. I oversee apptments, plan activities, supervise medication, supervise washing, cook, clean, console. It is work. I am on call throughout the night. I am thankfully only woken by nocturnal trips to the toilet at the moment but that is twice a night. My son gets 50.00 per night for sleeping and being on call. I get 62.00 a week for doing it all the time. All the time - even with a hangover, even after minor surgery. In three years I have had one day off ill.

 

[jorgieporgie]

I thought I would share something I was told today by a colleague at a charity I have recently joined that is supposed to support carers.

In a discussion about how difficult it is for carers to find help or information she looked me straight in the eye and told me that many carers who have to leave work to care for their loved ones are really just using it as an excuse to not work. After being dumbfounded for a few minutes I told her as she had so little understanding of how being on call 24/7 is more than challenging than any job with no recognition or help maybe she should find somewhere else to work.

I, sadly am no longer a carer as I lost my mum a year ago but when I was I constantly came across comments like how mad I was giving up my life for mum or why don't you just walk away and I am sure you have all come across many other unhelpful comments but I never expected to hear this sort of thing from someone who not only works for this charity but has also a degree in social work and, god help us, has worked as a carer in a care home.

She didn't seem to have an answer of what you are supposed to do if your loved one has dementia and needs not only help to cope with every day but also protected from uncaring, small minded people like herself.

What a nasty women. Maybe if she was on £62.10 a week 24/7 she would realise what cheap labour was and how much we save the government. I would like to go back to work like many other carers but impossible. Wonder what would happen if she every has to care for someone!

 

[MollyMae23]

What a nasty women. Maybe if she was on £62.10 a week 24/7 she would realise what cheap labour was and how much we save the government. I would like to go back to work like many other carers but impossible. Wonder what would happen if she every has to care for someone!

Well the sad truth is that even more people are having to take over the care responsibilities as support is being cut more and more. This 'lady' is only in her 20s so I suppose has no experience which doesn't pardon her for her attitude. However, as time goes on she might find herself in a situation where loving someone and wanting to protect them means she has to leave work and make ends meet as best she can. But it isn't the financial side is it its the emotion devastation which she seems to have totally disregarded not just for caring for someone with AZ but many of the illnesses which need daily care and support. I wouldn't wish the role of unpaid carer onto anyone, I know how hard it is although now I can also see the positive way it has changed me, however, I couldn't help but think 'wait until it's your turn' when she made her comment.

 

[Witzend]

I thought I would share something I was told today by a colleague at a charity I have recently joined that is supposed to support carers.

In a discussion about how difficult it is for carers to find help or information she looked me straight in the eye and told me that many carers who have to leave work to care for their loved ones are really just using it as an excuse to not work. After being dumbfounded for a few minutes I told her as she had so little understanding of how being on call 24/7 is more than challenging than any job with no recognition or help maybe she should find somewhere else to work.

I, sadly am no longer a carer as I lost my mum a year ago but when I was I constantly came across comments like how mad I was giving up my life for mum or why don't you just walk away and I am sure you have all come across many other unhelpful comments but I never expected to hear this sort of thing from someone who not only works for this charity but has also a degree in social work and, god help us, has worked as a carer in a care home.

She didn't seem to have an answer of what you are supposed to do if your loved one has dementia and needs not only help to cope with every day but also protected from uncaring, small minded people like herself.

I think a letter to whoever heads up the charity is called for. And say what you have said here. They really should not be employing people with so little understanding or empathy. Bad enough in the general course of things, but in a charity that is supposed to support carers, it's almost beyond belief.

I dare say the woman in question has the popular, media-friendly, 'cosy' image of dementia - i.e. a nice old thing who's just a bit forgetful, and asks only a little kindness and patience and lots of cups of tea.

 

[Risa]

I think you handled the situation admirably MollyMae. Not only were her comments insulting but her sneering attitude towards her 'customers' speaks volumes about her basic lack of understanding of her role and an inability to conduct herself in a professional manner I really hope your comments to her hit a nerve.

 

[Missy]

I wonder if this person would think that Mothers who chose to look after babies are also using this as an excuse not to work... what a dreadful attitude.