Please Can Someone Help Me Help My Mum !

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by ukdenise, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. ukdenise

    ukdenise Registered User

    Aug 13, 2009
    I have posted twice before and Im sorry to trouble you all but like so many people become I am desperate to help my mother and if i can start by telling you my story ..........

    My mother who is 82 is a carer to my father who is 86. Dad has Alzheimers disease and he also has an aorta Aneurism. He is prescribed patches at the highest dosage to contorl the pain of the aneurism, no medication for the alzheimers. My parents live in a one bedroom flat and the caring is really taking its toll on my mother who has her own health issues. She was put in touch with the local alzheimers soceity who offered her to attend with dad to a day centre for lunch they went along together and then the next time the lady from the AS came to take dad on his own. He point blankly refused to go, so mum's release was taken from her. They have now said there is little else they can do for her. He doesn have a consultant / psyciartrist and their GP in my opinion is useless. Dad is very bad and is doing all the wandering, waking at night all the usual traits of one with this awful disease. Mum is not coping at all and i really need to know who i can approach to get her some respite. Her GP really isnt doing very much to assist and has put her in touch with a carers aid to talk to .............mum needs more than talking to she needs a couple of days to recharge her batteries.

    With regard to daughters / sons we are 4 children 2 of whom live in spain and myslef and my elder sister live about 60 miles away so we cannot be there. I am a single mum to 2 and work full time, neither of us drive. My parents do come to see me as often as they like, taking a cab which is crazy in costs. But even this is becoming too much for them both. Mum cries on the phone most days as she cannot cope and I really just want to be able to help but dont know who to turn to. Can her GP sort out respite ? When she spoke to her GP she more or less said she has to get on with it. Even when my sister spoke to social services they more or less said its up to family to deal and offered no solution. But i read on here about carers having respite and want to know how this is arrnaged. I am taking a day off work tomorrow to try and speak to various people but am at a loss as to where I should start.
    Please can anyone tell me what I can do and who will speak to me about this. I assume her GP wont discuss matters with me.
    My parents live in a council house have little or no savings and are now receiivng attendance allowance. I just want to be able to give mum a break.

    Thanks so much for any assistance / advice & sorry to ramble on.

  2. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    Help for Mum

    Dear ukdenise
    Have you been in touch with Social Services? Ask for an assessment for your Dad, and a carers assessment for your mum.
    From your post they should be entitled to home care. day care, and respite care at the very least.
    You might also try Crossroads who offer a sitting service in order for the carer to get out on their own for either time for themselves or shopping, hairdressing etc.
    By the sound of your post your dad may not take kindly to either respite or day care, but if you don't try you don't know and once you get SS involved it can lead to further openings.
    Best of luck
  3. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
    Keep knocking on doors

    Hello Dee,

    I am sorry to hear of your struggles, trying to help you Mum and Dad. And something should indeed be done to help your parents and to help you and your family too.

    I would suggest that you contact Social Services again tomorrow and ask for help. Yes, your parents’ GP should be the first point of contact and it is not acceptable for a GP to say to your Mum that she has to deal with it. But there’s little you can do to change a GP’s thinking, apart from going back to GP and asking again for help. No, perhaps not ‘asking’ for help ... but explaining to GP that you need help and that the GP has a responsibility to care about your parents.

    Then, contact Social Services (SS) and remind the SS that they too have a ‘duty of care’, and that you would be extremely grateful if they could care about your parents, and about you.

    Write a long long list of all the areas that you feel your parents need help with, so that you have it before you when you talk to SS.

    I’m sorry that the Alzheimer’s Society was not able to help you further, but you might just give them a ring again tomorrow and ask about other support for your parents . They should be able to advise you on how to deal with the isolation your Mum must be feeling, and how to put you in touch with support services.

    You live in London ... so where are your parents living? It’s possible that another TP member within the 60-mile radius may be able to come up with more immediate contacts for you.

    Keep knocking on doors, until someone opens the door for you and for your parents.

  4. ukdenise

    ukdenise Registered User

    Aug 13, 2009
    as mum is now receiving the attnedance allowance I assume that they have both been assessed. I have ask mum to clarify for me. I know that they had someone who was a community support worker from crossroads support ( this is mum telling me this so it may ll be wrong :)) She visited about 4 times stayed for about an hour and that is it, she has said she will no longer be coming !? Really not sure what all that was about I think she came to get to know dad a bot so he would go to the day centre with her, when she tried this he refused to go anywhere without mum. Mum didnt push it as it was only for about an hour in the centre anyhow. I will speak with SS tomorrow, do i need to call SS in her area ? Thanks so much for your replies. Dee
  5. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    Have you been through the Alzheimer's fact-sheets, maybe that would help you with yours questions.

    If your Mum has AA, would she accept help, perhaps a cleaner and maybe even meals on wheels, if it would take some of the strain off her.
  6. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
    Keep knocking on doors, Dee!

    Yes, Dee , you would need to talk to the Social Services department in the area where your parents live, because they are the only ones who could set the wheels turning for you.

    You can always talk to your own Social Services where you live, 60 miles away from your parents, and they should be able to help you to establish contact with the SS responsible for your parents.

    Another suggestion: if your Dad has been given a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s , then you should perhaps talk to whoever made that diagnosis, the Consultant maybe. Someone somewhere must have made that diagnosis, and someone must have put your Dad and Mum into contact with that service. So try asking him/her too.

    It’s a good idea for your Mum or someone close to him, to accompany your Dad on his first visits to the Day Centre, just to try to get him used to it. Then gently see how it goes. The first hour can then become two hours, a few visits later, but it’s not always easy for anyone to accept Day Centres. Some Day Centres are great; some are less than great. Just depends on the throw of the dice, sometimes.

    Good luck, and keep knocking on doors!

  7. ukdenise

    ukdenise Registered User

    Aug 13, 2009
    Thanks Helen

    I appreciate what you are saying Helen and I will look through the factsheets. She has accepted the AA and quite right too at their age they should have every penny that is going to them, she is not needing a cleaner or someone to cook, she needs a break away from Dad ..... sorry to sound so blunt but thats just how it is, she is desperate.

  8. Winnie Kjaer

    Winnie Kjaer Account Closed

    Aug 14, 2009
    I have never posted on this site before I am just browsing to find my way around, but I came to your letter and had to reply. The Department of Health have printed a very useful guide which is called "who cares", the lady who visits us from Time for Life brought it with her. I have been a carer for over 3 years now and wish I had received this book initially. It has a lot of sound information in it, which has taken me all this time to gather. I am sure you will find it very useful. I wish you all the best and hope you manage to arrange the help for your parents they should be having.
  9. JPG1

    JPG1 Account Closed

    Jul 16, 2008
  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Denise - attendance allowance is entirely separate from any social services assessment.

    What your mother needs most immediately is a "carers assessment". If you go to the website of whichever local authority covers your parents area they should have something there about it.

    I would agree with you about the GP - worse than useless. As for social services and their "family should cope" comments - bah humbug. It seems to be that you're only going to get the assistance for your mother by kicking and screaming, and she's probably too tired to do it for herself. I wouldn't just call - I'd write and email and make a real nuisance of yourself. She is entitled to this: although social services won't tell you, no one, spouse or otherwise, can be forced to be a carer. If she gives way, then they'll have to provide support to your father.
  11. jackie place

    jackie place Registered User

    Aug 4, 2009
    eccles manchester
    CAn someone help me


    I agree with the replys that you have had, you need to keep knocking on door and do not be fob off as I have in the past I am also knocking on doors for my husband who has Azheimers but he is alot younger that your parents Just keep on going Love Jackie x x x
  12. jackie place

    jackie place Registered User

    Aug 4, 2009
    eccles manchester
    Please Can Someone Help Me Help My Mum


    Please Please keep knocking on doors Please Can Someone Help Me Help My Mum Igree with your replies that you have had you will get nowhere if you give up and by the sound of it you need some help.

    I in the past gave up and my husband who is only 62 has Alzheimer and not many people were around to help me but now that I have been shouting and knocking on door I am at least getting some asistance please do not give up Love Jackie x x x
  13. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    I feel that if your dad has been diagnosed with ALzheimers then I would have thought he would have had a consultant. Maybe its different in your area but where i live the GP wolud not make a diagnosis.
    Living so far away must be very difficult however I think you should contact their GP and demand that he sees not only your dad but your mum whose health must be affected.Im sure she is at breaking point.
    I appreciate that the amount of help that is available is a lottery and very much dependant on the area in which you live but you must be insistant that your mum at her age cannot contiue without support.
  14. ukdenise

    ukdenise Registered User

    Aug 13, 2009
    thank you so much

    Thank you so much for all your constructive support. I will be using my day off tomorrow to start the banging !
  15. ella24

    ella24 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2008
    South Coast UK
    Hi Denise

    one quick word of advice - when someone says 'I cant help you with that' (and they will), ask them who they would direct you to, or would their manager help, and keep going. You may end up with the first person, but then you can leave it back with them with 'ok, when will you get back to me then?'.

    We found that you had to keep a trail of who had been contacted (and be fairly pushy/assertive), but once the ball started rolling, you found some people who would really help you to access what you need, and things fall into place.

    Good luck, looking forward to seeing how you get on - and if you get stuck during the day, ask questions back here on TP

  16. Helen33

    Helen33 Registered User

    Jul 20, 2008
    Hello Dee

    It sounds like you have plenty of ideas to follow through tomorrow and I wish you well:) Before I registered with TP, it was as if my husband who has another kind of dementia, didn't exist:eek: We were just left to get on with it. After listening to people on this site I began to realise that we should be receiving help and bit by bit I set the ball in motion.
    One of the first things I did was to ask the GP to refer my husband to a Psychogeriatrician which she did. I am not sure but I think they have to if you request it. Your mum could say she requires this referral because of the wandering and that he needs to see a specialist so that medication could be properly reviewed. Our Psychogeriatrician was pretty useless but neverthelesss it is a useful contact because it can provide access to a lot of other services.

    I am having my first respite weekend next Friday and in order to get this I needed to contact a Social Worker. Your mother is entitled to respite and I hope that it won't be too long before she gets it.

    Wishing you well.

  17. ukdenise

    ukdenise Registered User

    Aug 13, 2009
    ...............Thank you ............Again

    Im a Bank Manager by profession so the one thing I am is strong willed and tenacious:D, I have now got this under my wing and wont stop until mum get what she needs, which will ultimately give Dad a better standard of living.

    Thanks again
  18. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Keep one thought in mind, it will cost SS a lot less to give your mum assistance and respite, than for them to folk out for full time NH care!!! So the message I would give is, you either help mum, or you take dad!! sometimes you need to be that harsh in your approach if all else fails.

    Finally I would look around for another GP

    best of luck

  19. geum123

    geum123 Registered User

    May 20, 2009
    It is so awful that people have to adopt the attitude of being pushy in order to get things done,
    but unfortunately that is what it seems to take to get things done.

    May I suggest you slip the words in MY MUM IS NOT COPING. It may trigger a response.

    .....and give the gp a kick up the backside while you're at it. Shame on him/her:eek:

    Wishing you and your Mum and Dad well.
  20. Cl13

    Cl13 Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    Cumbria uk
    Hi Dee, is this GP the only one in the practice, if not try the others, it was our GP that got us a SW and that is what you need, a SW they are the one's who arrange respite, we as a family were in crisis when I spoke to our GP, he picked up the phone and arranged to meet a social worker in my home, within 2 days we were offered respite.
    You need to tell them in no uncertain terms that if your mum doesn't get help NOW they will very soon be helping both mum and dad because mum is heading for a breakdown, you say whatever it takes to get the referral.

    Take care

    Love Lynn

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