Hello. I’m new to talking points , I’m wondering if anyone can maybe give me a bit of advise please ,my mum has vascular dementia. We moved her into live with us in December as losing my dad in September, they were together , I moved them closer to me in the August and dad passed in September. I stayed with my mum for a few months , she went to hospital as was poorly a couple of days after dad died. She stayed at our house for a couple of days after. But then wanted to go back to the new bungalow. In December , she said she hated it and wanted to come and live at mine. So that’s what I did. Emptied the house again and moved her in to ours. I’m now told by my brother , every time he visits , she wants to move to a flat by the seaside , feels suffocated here , my brother thinks she should , but with care ... I know she will be lonely. She can’t cook, won’t be able to find any new places .. I can’t reason with her. I just don’t know how to deal with this. ...
Please .. advise for my mother
- Thread starter Sophie12345
- Start date
Hello @Sophie12345
If your brother will be able to take responsibility for your mother then the move may work. If not, I would keep your mother where she is.
Your mother`s health now is the best it will ever be. You know she will be lonely if she moves. You know she can't cook. You know she won't be able to find her way around.
If your brother arranges care, ask him how many hours your mother will be alone.
Please don't even try to reason with your mother . She is unlikely to be able to see your point of view.
Have a read of the following. It may help.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
If your brother will be able to take responsibility for your mother then the move may work. If not, I would keep your mother where she is.
Your mother`s health now is the best it will ever be. You know she will be lonely if she moves. You know she can't cook. You know she won't be able to find her way around.
If your brother arranges care, ask him how many hours your mother will be alone.
Please don't even try to reason with your mother . She is unlikely to be able to see your point of view.
Have a read of the following. It may help.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Reading something familiar here, 4 years ago we started the process of moving mum in with me. Each time she came after only a few days she demanded to go home and was endlessly on the telephone telling my brother to come and get her. So bags packed and off she went 100 mile car journey. Then 2 days later on the phone pleading with me to go get her, so off I went! This backwards and forwards happened a few times more, before beginning the process of doing everything I could to keep her here with me. It was not easy, because she would often call my brother and other members of our family, telling them how unhappy she was and how badly I was treating her and that I did not really want her with me and she really wanted to live with my brother. Another place where she wanted to live was a Hotel and to this day I have no idea where this hotel is, but back then she kept going on about booking a room for her and the staff there would look after her.
Your brother has not yet realised that mum can no longer look after herself and that really safest place is with you. In order to get my brother to accept the situation I wrote a letter to him listing everything that mum could no longer do and I started the letter with what her weight was back then, not that he needed much convincing, but I wanted to stop the to and from her old home, he seemed to be falling for everything she was telling him.
Your brother has not yet realised that mum can no longer look after herself and that really safest place is with you. In order to get my brother to accept the situation I wrote a letter to him listing everything that mum could no longer do and I started the letter with what her weight was back then, not that he needed much convincing, but I wanted to stop the to and from her old home, he seemed to be falling for everything she was telling him.
My mum often asks to go 'home' - that is Weston Super Mare where she was evacuated during the war. Apparently everyone will know her and she can look after herself. Mum is in Assisted Living With Care and they love her there despite her anxiety and wandering. Sometimes she pleads with me to take her home, other times she says its lovely where she is. You can only do you best, the essential thing is to make sure mum is as safe as possible. From what you have said @Sophie12345, your mum living on her own may be wants she Wants but is no longer what she Needs
Many PWDs are aware that Something Is Wrong, but are unable to understand that this Something is them, so they do things like blaming their carer, or their circumstances; many feel that if they moved away and went somewhere else then they would leave all the confusion behind and everything would be OK again, It isnt, of course, because they take their dementia with them. They are continually searching for that special place, that "home", where everything will be all right again.
Your brother has no idea how much care she needs, I hope he listens to you.
Your brother has no idea how much care she needs, I hope he listens to you.
Oh
Oh @canary thank you for this insight, this is so interesting. Off the point of me, I’m afraid, but I just want to say that this happened with my OH at the beginning. I was in my innocence trying to persuade him to stop driving, he plunged into a terrible state, said he was going to leave me and go home to Italy, because he was perfectly all right there. He emigrated over sixty years ago and since then has been there only for annual trips.
Hello @Sophie12345 Welcome to Talking Point! I have found so much help and support here and, reading the posts above, it seems you have too. There is nothing you can say that will upset or offend because everyone on TP knows just how tough having a loved one with this cruel illness can be. Personally I have felt despair, fear, anger and, well a lot of other emotions too. I worry about the future but am trying to deal with things a day at a time and, boy, do I struggle with that! My circumstances are different from yours as my darling mum has been in a care home with nursing care for two years. She wasn't admitted for dementia but a brain scan later on confirmed this. Fortunately it is a good home and mum settled immediately which amazed me. In her mind she seems to be in her own home and then she will realise at times she is in care. She has deteriorated mentally as we expected and like others I never know what to expect from day to day but I know how tough it is caring for a PWD at home. Could you have a really frank chat with your brother about your situation? As @Grannie G said, it is pointless trying to reason with your mum. Decisions about what is best for your mum need to be made and your brother can be of great help and support with this. Does he realise how poorly your mum is? Perhaps you could let him have some literature about this illness? A lot of people, understandably, go into denial but sadly it can't be ignored. I hope you manage to get the right care for your mum. Keep coming to TP - folk would like to know how you are - you matter! -and any developments with your mum. Take care and Very Best Wishes.
