Dear Sonnyboy,
At the risk of offending you, I feel I must agree with other posters and also point out that your obviously well intentioned plan is really a "recipe for disaster".
Please be VERY honest with yourself about your motives. Are you just doing this because you did not have any real input into the original decision to move your Mum into a home? Perhaps at the time you felt it was the wrong thing to do and wish it didn't happen. . . . . ??
Do you now feel you can prove the original decision "wrong" by having your Mum live with you? Because, if this is behind your plan, I suspect heartbreak is close on your heels.
No doubt you love your Mum dearly and want what is best for her, so please don't think I'm criticising your motives. I'm being "Jack Blunt" because I HONESTLY think you have NO idea what the true reality will be.
Some questions to ponder:
If your Mum has been in care for 5 years she will need full time care (24/7/365). Are you in a position to give up work and manage financially for however many years she has left without returning to work? Because that is what it is going to take.
Do you expect your partner / wife to share the care? Has she expressed willingness to do this? Or do you expect her to earn a living for the whole family so you can care for your Mum?? Is that fair?
Your children are, as Lynne said, at or coming up to "the difficult years" - they need their parents more than ever now. Is it fair and reasonable to expect them to share their parents and their home with someone who undoubtedly has very high support needs? How will they feel in years to come if they can never have friends over because of Gran? never go on a family holiday because of Gran? Never have a family outing EVER AGAIN without taking Gran too?
No matter how delightful your children are or how much they love their Grandmother, I believe this is asking too much of them.
Perhaps if this had all happened BEFORE your Mum went into care, it would be a different story for all concerned. There are wonderful families (some on TP) who manage to do this, but the difference is, their parent / grandparent did not spend 5 years in a home first.
And most important of all, your dear mother. . . .
As others have said, moving someone with dementia is fraught with problems for the sufferer and only to be done in cases of dire emergency. Is this a dire emergency? Are you very unhappy with her care? Do you truly feel the ONLY answer is to have her live with you?
My suggestion is:
Arrange a month's holiday. Book a holiday cottage or something similar. You take your Mum on holidays for the month. Leave the rest of the family at home for the first fortnight - have the first 2 weeks as"mother and son" time. You take full responsibility for every aspect of her care for the two weeks.
Monitor how she is coping. Is she happy? confused? - does she enjoy being away on holidays with you or is she wondering what is going on??
If all goes well, invite the rest of the family to join you for the remaining fortnight. Continue to do ALL the care for your Mum yourself. Monitor how your partner and children cope with being with her full time.
If at the end of the month you can truly say this is a GOOD choice for your Mum, your partner, your children and (very importantly) yourself - then go ahead with your plans, by all means.
I probably sound very harsh and uncaring, but I am truly thinking of EVERYONE's welfare. Hasty decisions (especially those made because of guilt feelings) have a horrible way of rebounding on the very best of intentions.
Despite the fact I have "lectured" you, I really do want you and your family AND your Mum to have what is best for everyone. I hope you can achieve this to your satisfaction, and to that of everyone else involved. Best wishes.