Planning a funeral

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
Hiya

two-footed and unarmed i go wading in when i think someone else might get hurt......
Typically Karen :rolleyes: :D

Sorry folks............i think the guns should be aimed at me as i think i'm responsible for this:

I am keenly aware some people who have been very valued members of TP feel somewhat 'distanced' from the main boards since their own losses ... also that the 'Dealing with Loss' section has been a debatable point for some time as to whether it was a place of isolation ..... from different perspectives ...
Causing trouble again eh?:eek: .............sorry, but i did say words to this effect.........i'll try to explain:

The reason i haven't posted this up to now is that i don't want to hurt people who are already hurting in their struggle to cope with caring, but i feel its something i need to mention.

I must admit, that at first i thought the "After Dementia - dealing with loss" was a fantastic idea, but it seems to me that myself and other members (not all) who have been bereaved, feel isolated from the main board and feel we can only post in the "After Dementia section"
Apart from Sylvia and Hazel, the "After dementia" section does not recieve a lot of support (other than from those who have been bereaved).............i understand that carers are sometimes too busy coping with the daily chores of caring and that the topic itself can be emotional and uncomfortable for some, but without support - how can we help those who have offered us support throughout their caring period?

I was talking to a member (for imformation purposes - it was not a sista:rolleyes: ) who suffered a bereavement and they said they were leaving TP as they felt they no longer belonged here and that they felt that AS did not offer the support they now needed................now this might be a different topic altogether........(apologies to Jennifer for stealing this thread and maybe Brucie might want to move it) but it seems to me that Dementia is AS's business...........it seems to me that (Sorry once again!) but everyone dealing with Dementia will at some point deal with death............Dementia, as already stated is a "different kind of death" to most others

Blue sea

Losing someone who has had dementia is a particular type of loss. No-one can say it is worse or better than death from any other illness, it is just different. It leaves you with different issues which can be complex. There may be a sense of guilt, that we all probably feel - could we have done more as carers? There is the difficulty of regaining the memory of how the loved one was before the dementia. There is the ambiguity of feeling relieved and thankful for the death. There is the huge hole left by no longer having someone to care for and worry about on a daily basis
It seems to me that there are more people who have suffered bereavement from dementia than there are carers, yet AS and TP offer little support to those who are bereaved.
To have members that feel it is time to move on is good and a natural thing, but not because they feel they can't get the support they need.

I don't know what the answer to this is, but i thought i should mention the problem, otherwise how can we begin to deal with a solution?

Right then..........fire away!:eek:

Love Alex x
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
Newport, Gwent
I have to admit I always felt coming into this section of TP was a bit like listening outside someone’s door and not belonging enough to go in, a bit like being an intruder, intruding on peoples grief. I’m probably not putting this very well.

But I have been reading more posts here and have felt more able to contribute, that maybe I could have something to offer occasionally, even if it’s just a virtual hug, or a word here and there of understanding.

Planning a funeral………… gosh I wish I had had some advice when dad died 25 years ago. I was 12 years old when my Nan died, that was the first and last funeral I had attended.

I had no clue what so ever about how to go about the most basic practicalities. I was in total shock, my poor mum was totally in no state at all, to the extent, she wanted to keep dads passing ‘a secret’, My brother living in the wilds of Indonesia, it took a telex from his New York office to even advise him of our fathers death, it took him 4 days and 3 flights to just get home. I have never felt so alone, out of my depth and useless. I bumbled along with the arrangements with the help of a close friend, and a wonderful man from the Funeral Directors.

I totally understand why some may find it the hardest of topics to discuss, and may even find it offensive. But I also totally understand why Jennifer wrote her post, and has asked the questions she has. I wish at the time of dads’ death I had been able to get advice, support, suggestions and help from a site such as this.

I mean no offence to anyone.

Cate
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
I guess if we were Victorians would all be more comfortable about this AND have more practical knowledge. Like most births nowadays, most deaths take place away from home, in hospitals and nursing homes, while my grandparents would have been much more familiar with the whole process. You can get information about what you need to do after death to cope with the legalities (http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/RightsAndResponsibilities/Death/WhatToDoAfterADeath/DG_10029808 for anyone that needs this information) but each of us has to muddle through as best we can with the many choices that have to be made, and at a point in time when we are least well-equipped to make such choices. Hence my desire to at least get some things sorted out in advance.

Jennifer
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
jenniferpa said:
Like most births nowadays, most deaths take place away from home
Therein lies another challenge.

When we lived together, and for 14 years, 'home' to us was near a small village on the Hampshire/Surrey borders. Prior to that we had lived a further 12 years in roughly the same geographical area.

Up until last year, when I moved away from a house that was too big, too full of memories, I planned for Jan's funeral service to be at our church, where Jan played organ and sang, and where I read lessons each week. The vicar has a note to that effect in her files, and I have the local funeral director's name in my files. I have the promise of a location within the small village church yard for her remains to rest.

Today, that house is 25 miles away to the east from where Jan now lives, and a further 35 miles to the east of where I live.

So where now, when the time comes - assuming I don't crash out first?

In the village, so those who knew her there - mostly much older people - can come? But the journey would not be close for either care home staff or family.

Near Jan's care home? so the staff who care for her so well can come more easily?

Or near my home? so the family that has changed my life, and my new friends, can have the easy journey?

I wondered about this for some time and, as happens if one gives things time [or is able to do that - not everyone has the opportunity!], one day I realised there was no decision to make.

The service will be near my new home. I will be able to visit her more easily if she comes more locally. The care home staff are brilliant, but they will remember her fondly, as they currently do others who have passed from their care - and then get on with the next in the seemingly endless queue of people with dementia requiring care.

The old home? Well, we loved the church but I have no time for religion now [other than its music], and it would be going backwards, when I want ultimately to move on.

There's another thing, one of those coincidences that I seem to come across more and more often. The crematorium we will use is the one where Nina's marvellous husband was laid to rest. It is also the place where I re-met Nina, at the funeral service, and where my life began to change, though there was no indication of that at the time, of course.

I like these little natural coincidences. "Providential" is what the wonderful lady said who, at over 80, was my colleague in producing the village church magazine. I reflect on how wonderful it must be to be a god, and to take credit for all the good things, and escape blame for the bad ones.
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
alex said:
Apart from Sylvia and Hazel, the "After dementia" section does not recieve a lot of support (other than from those who have been bereaved).............i understand that carers are sometimes too busy coping with the daily chores of caring and that the topic itself can be emotional and uncomfortable for some, but without support - how can we help those who have offered us support throughout their caring period?
Alex, I'm sorry you feel like that. I agree, an AD death is somthing different, in that it goes on for years, and the grief never lets up. We should certainly be offering support in this way.

I don't think it's because people are too busy, or that they don't care, I would put it down to lack of experience. For example, if someone is struggling with having to cope with aggression, I might post a brief note of sympathy, but that would be all, because I haven't (yet!) experienced that.

Remember that Sylvia and I are in the minority 'older' members group, we have experienced bereavment, arranged funerals, and know what grief is like. Many of the younger members haven't yet had that experience. I'm generalising here, and I know there are exceptions, but many are caring for a parent or even grandparent, and even where they have already lost a relative, it has been dealt with at a remove. It's scary to know that this time you will have the sole responsibility.

They cannot (yet) understand the deep searing agony of the death of someone they have loved and cared for for many years, or the pain that may subside for a while, but inevitably returns, as fierce as ever. How could they know what to say?

Be patient with us. We do want to support you, but we need your help. If everyone leaves after bereavement, where is the support to come from? Please stay with us, we value your input.

Jennifer, hopefully your thread is now back on track and we can get back to where we were.

Love to all,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,378
Kent
Dear Alex.

First of all there`s absolutely no reason for anyone to `fire away`.

alex said:
I must admit, that at first i thought the "After Dementia - dealing with loss" was a fantastic idea, but it seems to me that myself and other members (not all) who have been bereaved, feel isolated from the main board and feel we can only post in the "After Dementia section"
It pains me that you and others feel isolated from the main board. If this is the case then something is sadly wrong.
But could it possibly be isolation from within yourselves, rather than from the board.
The death of someone dearly loved makes everything else seem trivial.


I have not yet been devastated by a death, the death of my grandmother, followed a long and happy life, she died aged 91, without suffering.
The deaths of my parents were, to me, a relief, as they both suffered so much and neither were an integral part of my life.

But when I have to face the death of my husband, I honestly don`t know how I`ll be.

When a member is bereaved, I try to put myself in their place, I feel so frightened of saying anything that sounds remotely like a platitude, and I am so anxious not to be intrusive. This is not what I would be able to handle when my turn comes.

But when they don`t post, I miss them. I know they haven`t made a miraculous recovery back to the mainstream of life. I know they are still hurting and grieving and trying to pretend they are coping. I know they need as much, if not more support than they had during the illness.

Some people find it really difficult to face death. Others see it as an unhappy inevitability. The areas in between, are about premature death, suffering, relationships and the effects it has on those who are left.

I would hope there is no area of dementia which is taboo. This includes the decline during the illness, the preparation for death, the funeral, and the suffering of the bereaved.

We know some are more able than others to face the challenges of death. It doesn`t mean they suffer less, it just means they want to discuss and they want to know.

This Forum is for those affected by Dementia. That means sufferers and carers alike.

If discussion becomes too explicit for some, I would like them to be adult enough to respect the needs of others.
 
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Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,242
65
Toronto, Canada
Feel I don't belong here

I agree with Cate, although I have looked in here before, I have just started posting. Because I haven't lost my mother yet, I do feel a bit like an intruder or eavedropper (marvelous imagery, Cate).

Having read all these posts though, perhaps there is a place for the rest of us who haven't got to that part of the journey yet. We have all had bereavements in our past but I think the AD one has its own challenges.

For myself, I just had news an hour ago that a dear former co-worker died on the weekend. She was only 43, they don't know why so there will have to be a post-mortem. Also, one of the residents at my mother's home died on Friday. This was sad, but easier as she was 99 and had her mind intact to the end. It's not been a very good morning.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Dear Alex

I would agree with everything that has been said in relation to your post. I think one of the most difficult aspects of on-line support as opposed to face to face support is that we can't see each other's expressions. I'm sure I'm not the only person who, face to face, has started to say something that has been misconstrued by the other person, but because you can see the facial expression you can quickly restate to get your point across in a more acceptable manner. That's a luxury we don't have here, and because of that I think we are hesitant to insert ourselves into arenas where we have no experience. Personally, I find it difficult sometimes to respond to "spouse" threads because that is an area where I have no experience in terms of caring for a spouse with dementia.

Love

Jennifer

The following is a personal statement:

So it is with death. Each person brings to the experience their own unique perspective and without visual clues it can be hard to know what to say that is acceptable or rather, what will be totally unacceptable, so we sometimes end up stating platitudes, or choosing not to respond at all. The problem is compounded when when one or more posters find what is perfectly acceptable to the original poster to be offensive. That is, of course their right, and I feel it is perfectly acceptable for them to take issue on that point, although it would be helpful if in that case they could be specific about exactly what it is that causes offense and why. Then each of us, as adults, can decide whether we agree or not. Let us also not forget that a mechanism exists (report a post) to allow such "problematic posts" to be reviewed by the moderators in context. The danger is, if we are not careful, we end up imposing our views on other people and the only word for that is censorship. Some may not feel that is a problem, but the effect can be chilling and can result in even less responses.

As I have said before, I have found this discussion both valuable and comforting. I may have a very different approach to death than other people, but I have to be true to my own beliefs, and in this context, those of my mother. In fact, by approaching this in a matter of fact way, I am honouring the woman my mother was before dementia hit. Sympathetic but not overly sentimental would probably be an accurate description, and I feel duty bound to live up to her expectations. To be anything else she would characterize as being "mawkish and sentimental": two major failings in her view.

Jennifer
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Skye said:
Have you thought of a Humanist ceremony? I've never been to one, but I/ve heard that they are very comforting.

It might be worth contacting The Humanist Society.
Great suggestion. I missed this reference the first time around.

A couple of years ago I went to a funeral in Surrey and found it was a Humanist one.

The service was the best funeral service I have ever attended. The most moving, the most intellectually right - for me.

I made a point of telling the person leading the service how very good it had been, afterwards.

It would be well worth contacting them.:)
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
Sorry to chip in again ....

Just to reiterate I never felt that Jennifer's original post was inapproriate - just concerned that it was the most appropriate place for this discussion .... and yes, one or two choices of phrases earlier in the thread 'blew me away' - for that I can only admit that I am much further from 'recovering' from my father's death some years ago than I would like to believe :( .... on another personal level this discussion has done me a great favour in that it has made me focus on the issues I know will surround my mother's death when that times come ...... and forge some new thinking for myself of how I might handle those issues at the time ..... so thanks ....

Secondly, I think Jennifer has highlighted a need for resource about 'practical' (but nonetheless very emotive at times) issues ..... not sure whether the suggestions thread is still going, Bruce ... and sorry haven't got much time just now to research it ..... the whole issue of 'different sections' on the forum I know were feature of much discussion at one point ..... and this to me seems a perfect example .... along with EPA, and LPA when they come along .... only my thoughts of course .....

Anyway - to get back to Jennifer's point ..... was reminded today of a document I was given years ago which helped me through a lot of the processes (practically) when dad died .... (I think it was probably given to me by the GP when he certified the death at home - can't honestly remember - bit of a blur and all that). Found the equivalent on the www which seems to have a lot of good links ......

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/RightsAndResponsibilities/Death/WhatToDoAfterADeath/DG_10029808

Love, Karen, x
 

Tina

Registered User
May 19, 2006
420
Cate said:
I have to admit I always felt coming into this section of TP was a bit like listening outside someone’s door and not belonging enough to go in, a bit like being an intruder, intruding on peoples grief. I’m probably not putting this very well.

I totally understand why some may find it the hardest of topics to discuss, and may even find it offensive. But I also totally understand why Jennifer wrote her post, and has asked the questions she has. I wish at the time of dads’ death I had been able to get advice, support, suggestions and help from a site such as this.

I mean no offence to anyone.

Cate
Cate, I'll agree with that. You made perfect sense...I can understand the eavesdropping feeling as well.


Skye said:
we have experienced bereavment, arranged funerals, and know what grief is like. Many of the younger members haven't yet had that experience. I'm generalising here, and I know there are exceptions, but many are caring for a parent or even grandparent, and even where they have already lost a relative, it has been dealt with at a remove. It's scary to know that this time you will have the sole responsibility.

They cannot (yet) understand the deep searing agony of the death of someone they have loved and cared for for many years, or the pain that may subside for a while, but inevitably returns, as fierce as ever. How could they know what to say?
Hazel, I understand that too. And yes, support for the bereaved people is best from either close friends or those who have also experienced bereavement because of a certain understanding that is there. Sorry, I don't want to offend anyone here who hasn't been bereaved or reject any kind words they would be prepared to offer...on the contrary, it is much appreciated, especially if people just say "sorry, I don't know what to say, but I feel for you / am thinking of you". That, to me, is more welcome than anything because it's admitting the situation is difficult, people are scared of maybe saying the wrong thing, or they simply want to show they care but aren't sure exactly how...I know I personally feel most comfortable and safest giving support when I have had experience of a situation, and I have an inkling of what people are going through. That's why I could never say to my gramps or uncle "I know how you feel" - because I didn't...I had no idea what it feels like losing your soulmate and partner of 50 odd years or almost 50 years...I could, however, say "I'm thinking of you and I miss her too and I won't forget."


Sometimes, Cate, all that is necessary is that virtual hug or smile or "thinking of you"...other times, it feels good to know you can talk to people who you know will understand and who will let you talk. I know I feel awkward because I can't really tell you anything new and I'm inclined to repeat myself. And sometimes I feel I need to justify myself for grieving (not to you here on TP, or to my family) because people think oh well, it's been so and so many months / her nan/gramps/aunt/uncle were very ill, had a good life, she needs to get on with it.

Yes, I know all that, and I am getting on with it, and I want to get on with it too. Grief is not much fun, and I'd much rather snap my fingers and beam myself into a world where there's not so much of it or where it subsides more quickly :D (I'd be a devil with a magic wand, I tell you :) )

Sometimes I just need to hear, as I do from friends and family and that article in The Times, that it's still ok to miss people. I wouldn't want them back suffering as they were towards the end. I'm sensible enough to realise that, eventually, it was the best thing for them to be relieved of their suffering. But I need to know that, despite all that, it's still ok to get a bit weepy and to miss my loved ones. And I need to know that it's not selfish (at least not all the time :D ) to be missing them. I miss them because they were special...and someone said to me once "if they hadn't been so special, you wouldn't miss them so much"...too bleedin' right.

If I could have them back, I'd want them back happy and strong and as they were in the good times that I remember so well.

I dare say I'm on a sort of a right track because I'm trying to get on with life as best I can...I'm happy in my job, I don't mind going out to work, I have good colleagues, I have friends, I socialise...it's not that I sit at home staring at the walls all the time.

Can I also say (sorry Jennifer, I seem to be hijacking this thread) that being prepared for death and being prepared for having to make arrangements is good...Jennifer, you said you knew you were going to be a basket case when the time would come eventually (or words to that effect, I don't mean to offend you here)...being prepared is good, but it won't make the emotional side easier. Or, it might do at the beginning, 'cos it's always good to have something to do and to be getting on with. So it is good if you have some answers to the "practicalities" at hand and know what arrangements have to be made. It certainly helped us...kept us busy all the time and we knew what our loved ones wanted, which made it easier. But as far as afterwards is concerned, it's a day at a time...no instruction manual for that one...there, now I've really cheered you up, haven't I ? :eek:

Much love, Tina xx
 
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Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hi Tina

had no idea what it feels like losing your soulmate and partner of 50 odd years or almost 50 years
Nor had I until I lost Peg,after 4 months short of 60 years.
It feels like being cut in half,feel like a lost soul, full of regrets that maybe I could have done more, and now it is too late.
No desire to carry on,cannot see any future,although I had learned to do things on my own whan Peg became too ill to enjoy the things that we did together,she was still there ,but now I am alone.
In my experience the least said to a recently bereaved person is the best way.
Things are said with good intentions,but a long conversation about how lovely Peg was,she was a lovely lady,was upsetting.
A few kind words is all that is needed.
I remember someone saying to me "What can you say,we can only make noises"
This was not by any means my first experience of breavment,but certainly the worst.
Time is a great healer they say,I hope so.
On the practical side we both had pre paid funeral plans and that did save a great deal of stress.
Written from the (sad) heart
Norman
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,378
Kent
It is really so difficult.

You want to acknowledge the death, and I suppose the bereaved want the death to be acknowledged.

It`s just so hard to get it right.
 

alex

Registered User
Apr 10, 2006
1,665
Hiya

Thank you to everyone for their input.

Once again, my apologies...........i tend to think everyone can read my mind and i maybe don't say what i mean :rolleyes: :confused:

I'm not complaining about members not supporting the "After dementia" section, i totally understand their feelings, i just wondered if there were ways we could improve the "After dementia" section.

Be patient with us. We do want to support you, but we need your help. If everyone leaves after bereavement, where is the support to come from? Please stay with us, we value your input.
Hi Hazel............thats my point, that the majority of people leave TP after a bereavement, in some cases they are ready to move on and thats good, but i feel that in a lot of cases its because AS do not offer much needed support services to the bereaved.

Your right, dementia is a different kind of death to deal with, maybe my circumstances were different to the norm, and i know that a stroke was responsible for some damage, but i find it difficult to accept that an intelligent, very well educated man could end up not only spastic, but couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't see and couldn't remember.............good god, it gives me nightmares to remember the daily theft of someones faculties and abilities!!!
I'm not asking help for myself as i'm maybe through the worse bit..........(I hope!:eek: ).............but i ask it for others who will someday walk the same road.

Now...........i'm not saying that AS or TP can offer counselling but even just information or links (As jennifer and Karen have provided) is of great help to someone who's bereaved, as often our minds are not clear enough for something as simple as searching the net. I understand that there is a limit to what AS can offer and their main objective is to help and support carers, but surely all carers at some point would require an informative bereavement section?

As far as talking about funerals, death or preparations go, i think its a great idea to talk about it and to look at different perspectives, for that i thank you all............and yes, there will be disagreements on what some rightly feel a sensitive and emotional subject, but thats great too because it gets it all out in the open.........personally i welcome the different views.

I'd also like to say that i've found this thread very interesting and informative.

Love Alex x
 
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Tina

Registered User
May 19, 2006
420
Norman said:
It feels like being cut in half,feel like a lost soul, full of regrets that maybe I could have done more, and now it is too late.
No desire to carry on,cannot see any future,although I had learned to do things on my own whan Peg became too ill to enjoy the things that we did together,she was still there ,but now I am alone.
In my experience the least said to a recently bereaved person is the best way.
Things are said with good intentions,but a long conversation about how lovely Peg was,she was a lovely lady,was upsetting.
A few kind words is all that is needed.
Norman,

my gramps was exactly like you are...it took him a while to be able to have longer conversations about nan and to share memories. He too had got used to being alone at home when nan had to go into hospital, and eventually they were both in the same NH when nan died. It broke his heart. Time, the great healer, sort of worked after a while. the fact that he was one of the most stoic people I've ever known also played a role. He didn't open up much, but he did find it a little easier after a while to talk, to remember, to smile...but there was always the heartbreak that nan had gone.

My uncle couldn't talk much about my aunt either. He, like you, was also accustomed to being on his own at home, but when my aunt died, it was a different story altogether...it's different when you still have a caring and visiting routine and your wife is actually still there. After my aunt died, he very bravely carried on, but he, like you was heartbroken. And I was at a loss what to say to him...so I didn't say much...I was there and I wrote a little note when I wasn't. He didn't want many people around, but he was ok with two or three of us to whom he felt closest. We just sat with him, rang him regularly...not for long chats, just to say hello and to remind him we were thinking of him. That was what he was scared of most...that, after everyone had gone back to their routines after teh funeral, we would forget and just go back to normal when for him his world had been shattered.

It's difficult to do the right thing. And I realise that maybe in my other email to you in the other "after dementia" thread I got it wrong...I'm sorry if that has upset you in any way.

My heart goes out to you.

Love, Tina
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hi Tina
you haven't upset me,I don't get upset easily.
It amazes me what trivial things some people do get upset about,maybe they have not had anything in their lives to cause real upsets.
Love
Norman
 

daughter

Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
824
I am also finding this thread very interesting and helpful, it has been a long overdue addition to this section I feel.

Since Dad died in February I have concentrated on trying to help Mum through it all. I try to see her once or twice a week, but sometimes I have to admit it can be an effort (that sounds so pathetic!) I either run out of ideas of where to take her and what to do, or I just run out of emotional steam. It mirrors the feeling I used to have about seeing Dad, perhaps I just try too hard!

It's a mixture of feeling inadequate (of course I know I cannot realistically stop Mum feeling that huge sadness, but it doesn't stop me wanting to try to make her happy sometimes) but also I get my own times of just wanting to be sad about Dad myself.

I just don't want to share these times with Mum, I would rather tuck myself away for a while and be miserable alone - that's how I deal with things. I'm not very often upset about Dad any more, I just sometimes get very, very sad and that's the feeling I get from Mum, although I know she still cries a lot as well.
Tina said:
That was what he was scared of most...that, after everyone had gone back to their routines after teh funeral, we would forget and just go back to normal when for him his world had been shattered.
I think I may tell Mum the reason why this happens, because I close off from her for a while and I'd hate her to think the above, thank you Tina, and thank you Jennifer for this thread, I am very grateful for the opportunity to be able to say all this.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,378
Kent
daughter said:
but also I get my own times of just wanting to be sad about Dad myself..
Dear Hazel.

I do understand what you mean by the above.

It is not always possible to share grief, as different relationships cause different feelings.
Your mother is grieving for her husband, you are grieving for your father, but at the same time you feel a responsibility to your mother. You can only share the grief to a certain level, and above that, you grieve alone.

That`s how I see it. I may be wrong.

Take care

Love xx
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Knowing what to say or do when confronted with grief is very diificult, even for close family. When my father died (I was 8? 9?) my mother was, unsuprisingly, extremely upset. I can't say distraught - they had a difficult relationship and my father was a difficult man, compounded by the fact that he had been ill since contracting TB during the war. However, I felt, as children do sometimes, that it was my "job" to be strong for my mother, with the result that several months after his death she broke down (not for the first time obviously), and among other things said "You didn't care, you never cried". As you can imagine this stayed with me and it wasn't until I was an adult that the issue was eventually raised. Actually, she had no recollection of saying this, and felt it was a truly awful thing to have said, but as an adult I could understand why she said it as I had been careful to keep my tears to myself. It was difficult to deal with as a child though.

I'm not sure why I've told you all this, except as an illustration that outward expressions of grief are not always an accurate reflection of what is inside. That and to recognise that what may be said by a grieving person needs to be considered in context, and that if hurtful things are said, it may be more a desire to lash out at fate than be truly directed at the listener.

Jennifer
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
as an illustration that outward expressions of grief are not always an accurate reflection of what is inside.
How true this is!!

I know I did not express the feelings I had when my father died (vascular dementia) and then again when my mother died so unexpectantly but so peacefully (heart attack). I cannot bear to think how I am going to react when my lovely husband goes - in some ways I think I have already experienced much of the sadness of his death in the journey of Alz.

How sad this is

I am crying now as I type - why oh why!!!!

Beckyjan