planning a funeral

[malengwa]

Please move if in the wrong place.
I know we don't have a crystal ball but mum is very poorly now, having had another uti. Our General thinking is that she won't make Christmas, but I do know from reading here that she can still rally, she has before.
Anyway when she moved into the NH they asked if there was a funeral plan in place and there isn't.
I feel that I should be thinking about some sort of plan so it's not all a rush but I just don't know what I should be doing.
I know mum wants to be buried with her mum and she wants some of her favourite music. That's it. I don't know where or who would do any service, where we would go afterwards, what the service might look like, I really am at a loss, yet I know it will fall largely to me.
What should I be doing? Is it better to have some plan or just go with the flow when the time comes? I don't live nearby which makes things harder.
What were your experiences?

 

[Amethyst59]

I used a funeral director I knew when my husband died. (We had used the same company for my grand parents and my dad). I then just told him what I wanted and he sorted it. We had to do it within six days too as my step daughter had to return to Australia. It helped that I had discussed things with my husband before he died, so we knew what music he wanted. I reckon you could go and have a chat with a funeral company you think you might use, and ask their advice now?
I’m sure you will get lots of replies. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people on this site who have arranged funerals.

 

[Beate]

I have very recent experience!

My OH died on 8 November. There was no pre-paid funeral plan and other that I knew in which city I wanted to have the service, that I wanted a cremation and a humanist service, I had absolutely no idea where to start.

But I had been given the contact details of a charity called Quaker Social Action who have a Down to Earth project, advising people on meaningful and affordable funerals. They sit in East London so I don't know whether they would be dealing with other regions but I had no idea where to start and they informed me about crematoriums and their fees and the different kinds of cremations (for example direct cremations which are cheaper). They gave me two different options, one more of a DIY option and one where a funeral director would handle most things. In the end I went with the funeral director as they had a room for the actual service, could organise the cremation the next day and recommended a restaurant next door for the wake. We had the coffin present at the service but sometimes you can do the cremation first and just have the urn. They also dealt with the coffin and flowers, lent me a memory board for photos and found me a celebrant though I could have found one myself by contacting the Humanist Association.

The celebrant came to my house to learn about OH and she also spoke on the phone with other members of the family to gain a rounded picture. I already knew which songs I wanted and we chose a poem that OH had written myself, plus I nicked one I'd read here. There were also tributes from friends read and I wrote my own eulogy. Together I think it was a fitting and individual send-off for him, with a lot of Elvis music (I took my own CD player to the wake). A funeral director can print orders of service for you for an additional fee though I created my own. They can also sell you urns or scatter tubes etc and condolence books, plus other bits and bobs.

Of course they can deal with burials and religious ceremonies just as well, ours is just an example. A ceremony at a crematorium or funeral home is usually about 30 minutes long. In our case it consisted of the following:
Entry music, opening words by celebrant, music, remembering OH through tributes from friends and family, reflection with more music, closing words, closing music. The service took place two weeks after his death, and we had the wake immediately afterwards.

Mind that by law you will need to register her death within 5 days. First you will be given a medical certificate to take to the registry office to obtain the green slip you need for any kind of funeral, and a certain number of certified copies of the death certificate. They cost £4 each when bought on the day. Try to get any funeral expenses on as few invoices as possible so you can present them to her bank for payment from her account. They need to clearly state what they are for.

OH died in hospital and they gave me a helpful booklet with advice and addresses of funeral director associations. The government website is here: https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death and it also explains about the Tell Us Once service you might find useful.

 

[love.dad.but..]

My parents had funeral plans and also made very clear their wishes...all organised and documented long before they were needed and it made everything a lot easier for me. However I personally think if your mum is sadly deemed to be close to end of life whether weeks or a few months perhaps there is not that much to be gained in starting a plan at this late stage. You have a good starting point in knowing your mum wants to be buried with her mum..you will need to establish if the grave is double depth for 2 ...as my mum and dad are.,,as it were or if your mum meant buried in the same cemetery. The FD will help sort things. If that is a churchyard you could hold a service in the church or have a simple committal at the grave. If a council cemetery they often have a small chapel to use but that would depend on numbers expected. Phone a couple of FD near to where your mum is or where the cemetery is and ask questions they will guide you and give estimate of cost, they can suggest clergy etc and put you in touch so you can discuss service etc. If you can get things in place in your mind and which FD to use it is simply a phone call to them when your mum passes away and they handle everything. Then somewhere like a pub, hotel to provide refreshments afterwards. It does all seem daunting but honestly everything fills into place, one of the first tasks will be to register the death and the registrar will give you hopefully a very useful booklet which covers everything you need to do, have a look at a FD website they often put helpful practical order of things to arrange sort to help on their sites. The NH often want to know if there is a plan so that they can ease things for you and help by contacting the FD for you and know that in that event you have things organised ready but equally just letting them know the FD once you have chosen might help you at that time

 

[Spamar]

If you are thinking of burying your mum with her mum, make sure the plot is suitable for this. The original plot should have been double depth, for which you normally have to pay more. If not, and there is no room at the side for another coffin, mum can be cremated and the ashes buried with her mum.

When OH died, I didn’t have a formal funeral plan, but had a few ideas! The funeral director came round later in the day and we got it all sorted for a cremation. The celebrant, from our local church came round for a chat. I sorted out eulogies (2), poems (2) and music (4) and passed these on to the FD. Printed the service sheets myself.
4 pieces of music, entry, coffin behind curtain, The Last Post ( cousin is a trumpeter) and exit.
Couldn’t have been easier, really. Ten days from death to cremation, though the last funeral I attended was only a six day interval!

 

[love.dad.but..]

I have just seen Beate's reply and she probably covers everything much better than I have but just to say you will find everyone really helpful and I dealt with my brother's funeral from a distance without visiting FD or church prior to funeral and everything was fine

 

[malengwa]

Thank you all. My cousin is going to look into the grave situation because there are already mums mum and two siblings who we're both children there. But it would horrify her to be cremated she has begged me over the years to make sure she is buried as dad would always prefer cremation. Sadly I believe mum has the deeds or whatever they are called but we can't find them. This worries me more than anything.
I've spent so much time this year doing the here and now as mum has deteriorated so quickly that I've not had head space for this too.
Thank you though I know it's probably still raw for some of you.

 

[Pete R]

I've spent so much time this year doing the here and now as mum has deteriorated so quickly that I've not had head space for this too.

Then carry on with the here and now and leave the funeral stress till it is necessary. The initial registration needs doing but everything else can be taken very slowly indeed. It's amazing how much free time you could find you have when the caring stops.

 

[Julia4]

Thank you everyone for your experiences it's something I'm going to have to initiate in the next few days myself.
Invaluable informative and dignified ⭐️⭐️⭐️

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you all. My cousin is going to look into the grave situation because there are already mums mum and two siblings who we're both children there. But it would horrify her to be cremated she has begged me over the years to make sure she is buried as dad would always prefer cremation. Sadly I believe mum has the deeds or whatever they are called but we can't find them. This worries me more than anything.
I've spent so much time this year doing the here and now as mum has deteriorated so quickly that I've not had head space for this too.
Thank you though I know it's probably still raw for some of you.

To give you peace of mind atm the only thing to find out is the situation with the grave...let the cousin take care of that. I had a copy of the Grant of Deed for mum and dad but records will be held at the council if one of their cemeteries or church record if a churchyard. I now have the Grant of Deed assigned to me as next of kin and executor as that is
how that council wants things done and as I look after the grave was happy to follow their procedure...once I have gone it doesn't matter.

Once you know and can deal with the grave situation everything else can be given thought as and when. Burials can usually be carried out in less time than cremations in some areas as there is less demand these days but it greatly depends on FD schedule and clergy but you will probably have around 3 weeks until the funeral so plenty of time to sort all the details. Please don't worry...it feels a lot to organise but when it comes to it ... everything falls into place and your cousin will be able to help as well as the professionals. Concentrate on the last few moments with your loved one for now.