Photos - Honest Opinion

[Jasmine123]

Hi, I haven't been on here for a while but I wanted to explain what is happening and ask for honest opinions.

So in summary, my mother died 5 years ago from alzheimers when she was 60 and I was in my 20s. Her decline was pretty awful and I found it very traumatic and isolating. I feel I am in a much better place now though.

My dad met someone new and they are getting married soon. He sold the house my parents shared and has kept nothing from that house. He lives mainly in his partners home. He still has a weekend home, which I visit, but everything has been replaced in this home in the 5 years since my mum died.

He refuses to have any photos of my mum in his weekend house (and actually has no photos at all) as he finds it too upsetting and his new partner refuses to live in a house with photos of his former life and so refuses to have any photos of my mum in the house.

I have my own flat, where I have photos of my mother and items of furniture that I took from the family home.

Is my dads and his partners refusal to have a photo of my mum something worth getting angry about? I feel like she is being wiped from existence, but then if his new partner doesn't want to live in a house with photos of an ex partner, why should she? Or is it odd that my nieces and nephew go to their grandads house and see no trace of the grandmother they never got to meet?

I'd be interested in your opinions whether you think I am being ridiculous or not! I think I need some perspective.

 

[jennifer1967]

when my mum died, my dad met and married another lady and they got a new house. he didnt keep anything of my mums including photos of her, his grandchildren etc. it was like he wiped away all of his marriage and the children/ grandchildren as well. there was nothing left of her. his second wife then also died but i not talking to him and dont a relationship with him for many years. i can understand to a degree about my mum but wiping anything connected to her and him was very hurtful. i dont think there is any point in getting angry as im not sure it would change anything. my sister was given all the photos and i had mine from her.

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

I can totally understand both your own and your Dad's view. Your Dad could be sensitive to his new partners feelings, if she had a previous partner would he want her to have photos of her previous partner on display?

It would probably be best not to get involved with what they choose to have on display. Maybe the anger you hint at is about something deeper.
Your relationship with Mum was a different one than the relationship your parents had with each other and because you were quite young when she died it is very hard on you. I am glad you have a sister ...could you ask her about this?

 

[imthedaughter]

I like to think that if I for some reason marrried a widower, that I would accept his former life and not feel threatened by someone no longer with us, and that we'd have at least one photo of her displayed somewhere. I'm not sure I'd want a house full, though. But I think other people clearly feel differently, and I don't think it's worth you getting angry about - if they have decided as a couple to not have any pictures on show, then I guess you respect that, and he can respect you having photos up in yours.

It sounds to me like this is not just your dad's partner's seeing as you say dad 'refuses' to have any photos in his weekend home which is his. That your dad find it upsetting indicates to me that he is still very sad about it. It also sounds like you've spoken to him about it already?

You're allowed to have feelings about it, but I suspect they are best kept to yourself. I have a lot of feelings about how my younger brother conducts himself and doesn't lift a finger to help me with dad or even visit even though he's close to his home, but voicing it gets me nowhere and just pushes him away. I vent here a lot though!

 

[Bunpoots]

@Jasmine123 your mum will never be wiped from existence - you are living proof of that. My mum was 79 when she died of dementia and I was in my 40s - I can't imagine how I would've coped in my 20s. I have no photos of my mum or dad displayed in my house, or of any other family members, I just don't. It doesn't mean I don't think about them or love them. I have photos my kids but they are still with me. I sometimes find that looking of photos of loved ones who I miss and are no longer here is just too painful so I keep them in albums for when I need to look and remember...

I can also understand not wanting photos of a previous partner around and I can understand that you are very very hurt by your dad appearing to wanting to erase your mum. I think that it's probably more that it is still too painful for him right now and he needs to heal before he can truly move on. I hope, in time, you will be able to talk to your dad and get closure - but it's probably not time yet.

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Am I weird? I have a photo of my ex husband with myself and my two children in my home that partner and I share. I love the photo taken at my daughter's graduation. My partner accepts that I had this previous relationship and the photo is of my children and their dad I wouldn't be happy if he didn't. We also have photos of his children and his grandchildren on display, none of his ex wife simply because he just doesn't have any. He's not actually fussed on having loads of family photos it's just the way he is but certainly doesn't object to mine. It's a shame the nieces and nephews don't see maybe one lovely photo of their grandmother at his home but presumably they do see photos of her elsewhere? Just to add I was with my ex husband for around 25 years and now with partner 21 years.

 

[cobden 28]

It's understandable that your dad's new partner doesn't want photos of your late Mum on display in her home, but perhaps your dad could have kept a few momentos of his late wife (your Mum) but just not have kept them on public display?

I know how you feel though; when my parents divorced sixty years ago, very acrimoniously, my late Dad's new partner who became hgis second wife - and who was the named 'other woman' in my parents' divorce - disposed of anything remaining in the family home that was to do with either myself or my Mum and forbade mine or my Mum's name to be even mentioned in the house.

 

[northumbrian_k]

It is really a matter for your Dad as to whether he feels the need for photos or other mementoes @Jasmine123 . I doubt that he is actively trying to erase his memories of his life with your Mum. It seems much more likely that her spirit continues to live on in his heart.

 

[Jasmine123]

Thank you all for your opinions. Is interesting to hear a variety of views (most tbf on the side of not my house/not my problem!)

It just seems like they are pretending 30+ years never happened, and seeing as I'm a product of that 30 year marriage, I just think its illogical.

 

[MartinWL]

This has to be a personal choice for your father and you can only respect his wishes. It is a shame but perhaps understandable. It isn't worth damaging your relationship with your father over this issue.

 

[Grannie G]

My mother remarried and even though I didn`t have the best relationship with my father I found it difficult to see another man in my father`s house.

I had my own home and family at the time, I was 29 , and just had to accept my mother`s marriage and how she chose to live her life because I was unable to offer her anything better.

You are not being overlooked @Jasmine123. You are a product of your father`s first marriage and living proof for all to see. You are much more valid than a photo.

 

[Lawson58]

My mum died when I was very young and my dad remarried a woman that none of his five children liked one little bit.

My mother was cremated and occasionally I would spend a few moments visiting her grave when I was in the city.

When my disliked step mother died, she was also cremated and her ashes were placed in the same cavity as my mother which offended me dreadfully. I guessed that two things happened. One was that it was an economical decision and dad didn’t have oodles of money. The other was that he had loved both women so thought it was a loving thing to do.

I am inclined to think of photos of loved ones as links to the continuity of life and that acceptance of these photos is an acknowledgment that life was ongoing before they met and that even if you are uncomfortable about having them around is only part of the story.