Phone calls from home

[Bay21]

My Dad has Alzheimer's and had an 8 week hospital stay at the start of the year, followed by a 6 week respite at a care home where he has become a permanent resident. He struggled to settle initially but then seemed to have a period where he was getting on quite well but recently I have received several phone calls advising Dad isn't being co-operative or is distressed and can I talk to him. Previously when he has been this way I have been able to relax/pacify him but lately I spend the calls listening to what an awful daughter I am, how I am in cahoots with the staff at keeping him held prisoner, how he can't believe I could do this to him, how I've taken his family away from him and how he wants to live independently on his own but I'm trying to stop him.

I've tried everything I can think of. Telling him the truth, agreeing with him and apologising, explaining in detailw what's happened this year which has resulted in him ending up in care, saying I'll get him his own place but I can't do it straight away so to try and make the best of where he is and trying to explain why I can't visit or changing the subject completely but nothing helps.

I just wondered if anyone has any similar experiences or suggestions of what else I can try?

 

[Rosettastone57]

I'm wondering whether this home is actually the right place to cope with your father's needs. The fact that the staff are phoning you suggests it is not. No magic answers I'm afraid, but my husband refused to take any calls from his mother's home if it meant he had to speak to her. Your father won't respond to reason or explanation, it sounds as if he has gone beyond this. Others will be along soon with better advice

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Bay21

I'm wondering why this change in your Dad has occurred. Have the staff checked for urine infection or anything which may be causing him pain? It could be that there is a new resident or member of staff who your Dad hasn't yet got used to. Are the calls at the same time of day? What is happening at that time and can it be done differently or at a different time? It's always worth checking for physical causes of distress first I think. I would ask the manager these questions.

I have had many, many times like this with my mum over the years, usually in person back when visiting was "normal". Very often it has been due to a urine infection (not always detected at first!), sometimes it seemed to be just "a bad patch", sometime she has needed a review of medication. I would definitely ask for a review of medication if your Dad doesn't settle down soon and no other cause is found for his distress. Asking for a visit from the Community Psychiatric/Dementia Nurse could be useful too. Ours has come up with ways to settle mum on a few occasions.

The excuses you are coming up with all sound good ones. Doctor says you need to stay a bit longer may work for a while and helps stop you being the bad guy. It's pretty awful going through this though. I hope it gets sorted out soon.

 

[northumbrian_k]

It seems to me that a care home that can't cope without getting you involved is not really doing its job. This is not a criticism as such but does indicate that it may be better to look for somewhere more suitable. In 2 years - although I have been kept informed of any difficulties - the staff at my wife's care home have never once asked me to solve a problem on their behalf. You don't have to take or respond to phone calls. It is up to the home to provide the care that is needed, including sorting out the kind of thing that you have described

 

[Bay21]

Thank you all for your replies. The care home Dad is advertised as specialists in Dementia care which is why I considered it in the first place
Perhaps I need to have a chat with the manager.

@lemonbalm a few of the calls were coming after he had been out in the common room all day so I discussed with them that perhaps he has got to the point where he is tired but yesterday he had apparently been difficult since he woke up, refusing to leave his room etc. Contacting the psychiatrist is a good idea, he covers the home Dad is in so perhaps he can visit him.

 

[canary]

"The care home Dad is advertised as specialists in Dementia care"

Hi @Bay21 . Does this mean that it also accepts other types of residents too?
Unfortunately, when you get mixed residents (and, sadly, sometimes even if it is solely for people with dementia) the care home only wants people in the early, easy stages of dementia and when they get to a certain stage they no longer know how to deal with it. It would not surprise me if your dads care home soon decides that they cannot meet his needs now and give him notice.

I think what your dad probably needs is a dedicated dementia unit (often called an EMI unit) where the staff have more training and experience of dementia. When you contact a possible new home, be brutally honest about what he is like and ask them how they would deal with it. Woolly answers will mean that they have not met this before, whereas dementia care homes should have found this quite normal and have strategies.

 

[lemonbalm]

Thank you all for your replies. The care home Dad is advertised as specialists in Dementia care which is why I considered it in the first place
Perhaps I need to have a chat with the manager.

@lemonbalm a few of the calls were coming after he had been out in the common room all day so I discussed with them that perhaps he has got to the point where he is tired but yesterday he had apparently been difficult since he woke up, refusing to leave his room etc. Contacting the psychiatrist is a good idea, he covers the home Dad is in so perhaps he can visit him.

I think a good and frank chat with the manager is definitely worth a try in the first instance and the psychiatrist visiting could no doubt be very useful. It may be that you end up having to move your Dad as others have suggested but it may also turn out that there are ways in which to make the current home work for him. Let us know how things go. There will be lots of support and advice for you either way.

 

[Bay21]

@canary Thank you for this, I think I need to do some research and prepare myself for him to move, I hadn't heard of EMI units so I will look for some in our area.

 

[Bay21]

@lemonbalm thank you and thank you for your advice, it is much appreciated