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Persuading mum to leave her home.

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
So we have found a perfect care home for my mothers onward care, as she is now middle to end stage dementia. I have now doubt that she will be very well cared for and happy there. I have come to terms with the guilt of having to move her into a home as she is now slowly losing the ability for personal care. I now believe that it is kinder to break my promise of not putting her into a home than keeping it, I have to put her needs first. Strangely though, she is now more lucid that has been for a long time, and is refusing to leave her home! Only a few weeks ago, it wasn't her home at all and thought she was staying with someone else! I have to find a way to persuade her out of the house to go - what ways have any of you used to do that? Other than saying that there is work to be done on the house that is noisy and messy that she would not like, or saying that she is going away for a while? I have explained about the home, pushing the point that she would be well looked after and have plenty of company and that as she would be closer to us, we could visit her more often - sadly she is still convinced that she has children in the house and plenty of visitors and cannot bear to leave them! Any advice or tactics greatly appreciated!
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
400
0
Two weeks ago I had to take my dad to a CH as his Care Company basically quit as could no longer attend to dad and give him the care he needed in his own home. Dad had not for a long time been responsible for any of his personal care or in fact anything in order to stay in his own home and sister and I along with four carer visits looked after dad. Sister told dad his GP had requested he go 'somewhere' to be cared for a bit better mentioned virus and saying it was just for a short while. Dad appeared to accept this explanation and he was given very short notice basically after his breakfast. I arrived at dads having secretly packed a suitcase and took dad to the CH. I won't lie dad started to panic a bit in my car saying he was having a heart attack telling me he had already had one that morning. Persuading dad to get out my car once at the CH took some persuading but I did manage to get him into the CH where two nurses started to chat with him and gently he stepped forward and through the other doors in the reception. I can't tell you how difficult it will be for you but for me was the hardest thing in the world to do but needed to be done. Dad went in for two weeks respite/assessment but ASC that made the arrangement have already arranged for the respite care to be extended for a further two weeks and all signs are dad won't be able to go live at home again. Perhaps the GP request may work with your mum but just be prepared for how difficult the actual process of taking them into a CH is. I was not able to go any further than the reception and haven't been able to view any part of the CH due to covid but do have a visit booked for 14th December to at least see dad so am looking forward to that. I wish you luck and hope all goes well for your mum.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
Well she might be more lucid, but she still only got a very tenuous grip on the reality of what is happening at her home, hasnt she?

Im afraid that telling them the truth very rarely works, because they are unable to see the reality of their situation, so they are unlikely to agree with you.

Im afraid that telling therapeutic untruths (aka - love lies) us the only way to go. What do you think your mum would accept? Work being done at the house? A holiday in a lovely hotel? The doctor wants her to go there for a while to build up her strength?
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
Two weeks ago I had to take my dad to a CH as his Care Company basically quit as could no longer attend to dad and give him the care he needed in his own home. Dad had not for a long time been responsible for any of his personal care or in fact anything in order to stay in his own home and sister and I along with four carer visits looked after dad. Sister told dad his GP had requested he go 'somewhere' to be cared for a bit better mentioned virus and saying it was just for a short while. Dad appeared to accept this explanation and he was given very short notice basically after his breakfast. I arrived at dads having secretly packed a suitcase and took dad to the CH. I won't lie dad started to panic a bit in my car saying he was having a heart attack telling me he had already had one that morning. Persuading dad to get out my car once at the CH took some persuading but I did manage to get him into the CH where two nurses started to chat with him and gently he stepped forward and through the other doors in the reception. I can't tell you how difficult it will be for you but for me was the hardest thing in the world to do but needed to be done. Dad went in for two weeks respite/assessment but ASC that made the arrangement have already arranged for the respite care to be extended for a further two weeks and all signs are dad won't be able to go live at home again. Perhaps the GP request may work with your mum but just be prepared for how difficult the actual process of taking them into a CH is. I was not able to go any further than the reception and haven't been able to view any part of the CH due to covid but do have a visit booked for 14th December to at least see dad so am looking forward to that. I wish you luck and hope all goes well for your mum.
Thank you for that - it's really helpful! The care home have said that as her room is near a back door, we are allowed to take her into the room but no further. I think I will tell her that there is work being done on the home which will be noisy and dusty. I know it will be hard but good for her in the long run - I am due to do a telephone assessment with the care home on Monday, so I think I will also ask them for advice on getting her through the door! I have faith from what you have said that they will be able to coax her in! It is a small home dedicated to dementia patients only, so I think it will work out in the long run - thank you for your reassurance and advice.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
Well she might be more lucid, but she still only got a very tenuous grip on the reality of what is happening at her home, hasnt she?

Im afraid that telling them the truth very rarely works, because they are unable to see the reality of their situation, so they are unlikely to agree with you.

Im afraid that telling therapeutic untruths (aka - love lies) us the only way to go. What do you think your mum would accept? Work being done at the house? A holiday in a lovely hotel? The doctor wants her to go there for a while to build up her strength?
Thank you! You have echoed my thoughts exactly! She does not have a good grip on reality at all. I think I will use the line that there is work being done on the house that means that she has to move out for! We have had engineers in lately, I had forgotten about the impact of that. I think that that may work. I just have to remember to be kind but firm on the day! She does have asthma so I could also use that as well !
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
71
0
ah raindancer, i have gone through this, during lockdown, not fun! first i organised respite to move, explained it all to mum, she thought it was a great idea, the. we got there, she saw “the oldpeople” and freaked out... refused to stay.

i had to pack all her stuff again and take her back home.

if i told my mum we were going to visit her brothers, or her mum and dad she would be all up for it (never mind that involving a 20 hour trip) are there grandchildren to buy christmas presents for? does she love a craft shop for wool? mum loves me taking her out for coffee, or using books or puzzles.... i. sure she has something that her inner younger self really wants to do.

with my mum, three months later, she’s really not coping, not feeding herself... i decide this is it, she won’t want to stay but i’m not giving her a choice. i hired a moving company who do this for a living, they packed just what we needed, drove the truck, i took mum and we moved her in and set up her room beautifully. it was a whirlwind but mum was compliant at that stage.

and mum is just... a misery guts, that’s part of her, her depression, nothing will make her happy, she wasn’t happy where she was on her own, she wasn’t happy moving to the nursing home.

but she is safe! and frankly she was covering how bad things were... unpacking her life (possibly the most dreaded job we all face) it was clear just how much wasn’t getting done. was being hidden....

it was clearly the right move, and though i feel like the bad daughter, EVERYone who knows mum has said it was for the best.

if she had gone in six months ago she might have been better off, more aware and understanding of the choice, but.... in the end it wasn’t going to be her choice, she wants a magical happy life.

you can only provide a safe and caring life. sometimes you have to be the mean one.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
ah raindancer, i have gone through this, during lockdown, not fun! first i organised respite to move, explained it all to mum, she thought it was a great idea, the. we got there, she saw “the oldpeople” and freaked out... refused to stay.

i had to pack all her stuff again and take her back home.

if i told my mum we were going to visit her brothers, or her mum and dad she would be all up for it (never mind that involving a 20 hour trip) are there grandchildren to buy christmas presents for? does she love a craft shop for wool? mum loves me taking her out for coffee, or using books or puzzles.... i. sure she has something that her inner younger self really wants to do.

with my mum, three months later, she’s really not coping, not feeding herself... i decide this is it, she won’t want to stay but i’m not giving her a choice. i hired a moving company who do this for a living, they packed just what we needed, drove the truck, i took mum and we moved her in and set up her room beautifully. it was a whirlwind but mum was compliant at that stage.

and mum is just... a misery guts, that’s part of her, her depression, nothing will make her happy, she wasn’t happy where she was on her own, she wasn’t happy moving to the nursing home.

but she is safe! and frankly she was covering how bad things were... unpacking her life (possibly the most dreaded job we all face) it was clear just how much wasn’t getting done. was being hidden....

it was clearly the right move, and though i feel like the bad daughter, EVERYone who knows mum has said it was for the best.

if she had gone in six months ago she might have been better off, more aware and understanding of the choice, but.... in the end it wasn’t going to be her choice, she wants a magical happy life.

you can only provide a safe and caring life. sometimes you have to be the mean one.
Thank you for that! You are so right . I am not expecting her to like it straight away, she is very independent but cannot look after herself well. I will rest easy knowing that she will be safe and well cared for - I cannot keep a promise to keep her at home knowing that it is not a safe environment for her anymore. It is kinder that I break the promise now before she comes to any harm indoors. I know I will find it hard and am prepared for the guilt that I will carry but it's a move I have to make for her sake.
 

lushr

Registered User
Sep 25, 2020
71
0
@Raindancer11 you don’t have to feel guilty, the hard reality is that this is for the best. “mum knows best” except, YOURE mum now. you wouldn’t let a kid skateboard on a freeway, you can’t let your mum live on her own.
its not going to be fun, but we can’t always make life fun. sometimes safe is all we have to give.
 

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
759
0
I found it helpful to time things, if you can, to coincide with a meal/coffee at the home, at which point you disappear. We were lucky that my Mum was compliant and had a period where she enjoyed being in the home with others in an environment where less was expected of her.
COVID makes everything harder, but in fact not visiting for a bit, though hard can make settling in easier. Good luck. Look after yourself too. Do not underestimate the effect on you of all this.
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
@Raindancer11 you don’t have to feel guilty, the hard reality is that this is for the best. “mum knows best” except, YOURE mum now. you wouldn’t let a kid skateboard on a freeway, you can’t let your mum live on her own.
its not going to be fun, but we can’t always make life fun. sometimes safe is all we have to give.
You are so right and safety is my priority for her right now!
 

Raindancer11

Registered User
Apr 6, 2018
27
0
I found it helpful to time things, if you can, to coincide with a meal/coffee at the home, at which point you disappear. We were lucky that my Mum was compliant and had a period where she enjoyed being in the home with others in an environment where less was expected of her.
COVID makes everything harder, but in fact not visiting for a bit, though hard can make settling in easier. Good luck. Look after yourself too. Do not underestimate the effect on you of all this.
Thank you! I was wondering if it would be best not to visit for a few days but I will ring the home to see how she is settling in when she finally gets there! Yes I have found this week incredibly hard emotionally so I will be making sure I take time out to relax. Just waiting on the results of the covid test now, so that she can go.