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Persuading mam to get her hair cut

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Hi all

Any tips for getting mam to agree to a haircut?

At my dad's request, I arranged for her to have her hair cut at my house today; yesterday I rang dad and said it was all set up and should I mention it to mam; he said yes. So I went round and mentioned it to her, she seemed amenable at the time, was having a good day. An hour after I got home the phone rang, mam in tears, had been very upset and didn't want her hair cutting after all. Dad came on, also very upset, said she'd been crying ever since I left, very distressed - so that was a good day ruined - but she really needs her hair cutting and he knows he'll have just the same performance next time it's mentioned.

I said to try to let her forget about it for the moment, but that I'd go round as planned today and just bring her back to my house ostensibly to see my daughter, which usually works. Hairdresser can then visit while she's here (both me and my daughter are being done too) and I'm hoping to get her to have her hair cut after all.

But how can I word it to her? If I just ask her straight, she's likely just to say "oh, no thanks, I'll leave it for the moment" and then get distressed if I push it. Then dad will be disappointed that I haven't managed to sort it, and of course we'll have to go through it all again shortly.

Last time she had her hair cut, in November, I took her to a salon, but that's another story.

I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong and I'm a bit upset. Well a lot upset actually.
 

ellejay

Registered User
Jan 28, 2011
4,019
0
Essex
Hi,I do sympathise, it's so hard isn't it.You can't make decisions for them, but they can't make them for themselves- A rock and a hard place.I've no answers, my mums hair needs washing but she insists she's done it,and thats that.If I try to persuade she gets very "anti" and it doesn't seem worth the upset.What if mum came to you and got the idea the hairdresser didn't have time to do her hair,she might get cross and insist she gets included. (That sometimes works with my mum,but she has always been contrary) Enjoy your hairdo anyway. Good Luck x
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
Alternatives?

So sorry to hear that this is causing you problems and that your mum is distressed about the idea. Does she actually need to have her hair cut? It sounds as if she is frightened of this - I suppose the word 'cut' might be heard as negative, after all it is taking something away from her body. I just remember how my children reacted to hair appointments and I don't actually like having my own hair cut - scissors near the head, maybe they won't get the style right etc.

My grandmother, who did not have dementia, allowed her hair to grow during a long spell in hospital. When she came home she decided to let it grow long and just swept it up into a tidy style herself with hair pins. This might not be suitable for your mum but perhaps a longer style might suit her, maybe even a pretty plait?

I hope this suggestion does not offend. Katrine xx
 

LilyoftheValley

Registered User
Oct 26, 2010
9
0
Bedfordshire
We had the same problem with Mum. For 2 years it went on and in the meantime she was damping and adding hairspray each day. Consequently she got a matt of hair and due to lack of air to her scalp it all started to fall out. She kept pinning up the bottom and then would not go out because her hair looked a mess.

It is a no win situation. Dad had an arrangement with a local hairdresser that if she agreed when passing he could take her in and they would fit her in regardless. This worked a couple of times.

It is very difficult and it seems many go through it. Our view ended up with "it will not kill her, so let her be". In the Care Home mostly they get her to sit for the hairdresser once a fortnight but not always.

Mum seemed to be able to retain the thought (emotional) of something happening when it had been mentioned the previous day. We tried from then on to live only in the "now".

Would she be better if the hairdresser raised it with her when your Mum is at your house just for a coffee?

Thinking of you.
 

Christin

Registered User
Jun 29, 2009
5,038
0
Somerset
Hello, it seems a good idea to me not to tell your mum in advance, forewarning can cause a lot of anxiety and we don't tell FIL until just before events are about to happen. Do you think it might help if you had your hair cut/trimmed first, and then let mum admire it and then suggest she could have her done too if she wants to. If she still says no, well no harm done. Perhaps she has some some sad memory of a hairdresser doing something she didn't like. Good luck.
 

littlegem

Registered User
Nov 11, 2010
837
0
north Wales
Hi,
My hubby was the same. He ended up with hair down to the bottom of his back after his stroke (wish mine would grow that fast!!!!)
Nothing I said made any difference and his sister even accused me of neglect because I wouldn't get his hair cut.
She didn't understand that it was not worth upsetting him.
Eventually he had it cut when we went back to Manchester for a visit, he went to his old barber and was quite happy.
That was nearly a year ago and you guessed it- it needs doing again!!!!!!lol.
xxx
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
0
The Sweet North
I think It's better not to mention things ahead. It's easy for us to visualise how it will be, where it will happen, who will do it, etc. but for someone with dementia any appointment can present as just so many unknowns, therefore anxiety and rejection follow.
Sometimes it works if at the time, it's put forward as an 'expected', eg. "Right mum, where would you like to sit while Ann trims a bit off for you?" sort of thing.
Only sometimes, mind!
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Thank you all so very much for your suggestions (nothing you said was remotely offensive, Katrine), and I'm just grateful for everyone's advice and sympathy. I think I've learned the hard way now that to mention anything in advance is a no-no.

Unfortunately it didn't work out anyway as my hairdresser (a friend) couldn’t make it in the end, so we will have to re-arrange and I’ll have to go through the whole thing again in a few days.

I like all your ideas and will be trying them out - I’m desperate to help dad overcome at least this one problem. I know it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t have it done, but it does look quite messy, and the thing is, it actually annoys her all the time and she’s constantly asking my dad to cut it for her (which he has done several times) as it’s irritating her so much, but when we suggest she has it cut properly, she refuses and we have a huge battle and upset. Can’t win. Dad also has a problem with getting her to wash her hair, or have a bath. It’s awful. If my old mam could only see herself as she is now, she’d be absolutely mortified. She was always attractive and cared about how she looked.

I’m so sorry that other people are having to cope with the same problems that I am, I wish this whole disease would just go away. I keep crying and feel that I can’t cope, but then feel ashamed because it must be 100 times worse for my dad.

Thank you everyone for listening.
 

bernieb

Registered User
Jan 18, 2011
9
0
welwyn gd city
how to get it done

Hi everyone, hope this helps im a hairdresser trained in dementia first of all you can get a product called no rinse shampoo which goes on dry hair and lathers up like the real thing and towel drying takes the dirt out amazing solution and feels good afterwards. Reguarding haircuts i never mention it i talk with them ,joke with them and i bring an activity bucket with pastry cutters,hand creams ,pictures of frank sinatra etc to keep their mind off of what im going to do and it always works. Inever say what im going to do.
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
Rinse free shower cap

I was so inspired by bernieb and your clever idea about the liquid no rinse shampoo. I Googled it and also found another type of product doing the same job. It is a rinse free shampoo cap which has an absorbent cotton lining already impregnated with the no rinse shampoo. This can be warmed before use. The cleaning process takes between 1.5 to 4 minutes depending on the length of the hair, and from looking at the videos is just a gentle warm head massage. The cap is just thrown away afterwards. Hair is then towelled and combed.

One brand costs £2.86 each and the other one I have found is £3.99 each so it's more expensive because it is a disposable use once item. However, there is a UK supplier offering a free sample of it online. The product bernieb uses is definitely cheaper. The attraction of the cap to me is that it might be easier for someone to use who didn't have a helper. I'm going to send for that free sample and let you know how I get on.

I have ME and although generally I function OK there are occasional times when I have a relapse and I simply cannot raise the energy to wash my hair in a bath or shower (or the rest of me for that matter). I've tried sitting at a basin but my neck muscles hurt too much when I do this. I could use one of these caps to wash my own hair while lying in bed. I don't suppose there is a time limit on the process. I could massage for half a minute, take a rest, and then carry on. My bedroom could become an Oasis of Comfort [hint].

Or put it on at night time and wake up with really clean hair? Wonder if they make a full body version like a space suit!! We could tell our soap dodgers that it is a new set of pyjamas. Then hey presto they'd wake up clean in the morning. I see that you can also get rinse free impregnated washcloths but at £1.99 a pack how many would you need to give someone a proper going over that would be an alternative to bathing? I think there are 8 cloths in a pack. You can go online to get a free sample of this product to try.
 
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lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,351
0
East Kent
Hi
Perhaps not mention , cutting, trimming ect
My mum thought having her hair cut , trimmed meant it would hurt her , but was quite happy when I said im going to tidy your hair or something similar,tho mum didnt like it when I was cutting around her ears , so I always gave mum her teddy to cuddle and much gentle reassurance.
hope this helps

No rinse
I used the shampoo and the body bath on mum for a couple of yrs , I found them very good .
Hair was lovely and clean afterwards, its the rubbing with the towel that takes the grease and dirt off , so you need to spend a bit more time gently rubbing with the towel than you normally would.
Same with bathing products

Make sure u use the uk company else it takes a long time for delivery .

Ps im not involved in any way with the No rinse company , just a satisfied customer.
 
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bernieb

Registered User
Jan 18, 2011
9
0
welwyn gd city
Hi glad this has helped but as you mention when i work we work in twos so it is easier, any questions regarding hair services please feel free to ask.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Thank you so much for this idea of waterless shampoo, what an innovation, I'll be googling this myself when I get home. If I can persuade mam to get her hair cut I was wondering how to wash her hair beforehand - it'll probably be a bit dirty when she comes, not very nice for a hairdresser to handle. This product would solve that problem if nothing else!

I've rearranged for my hairdresser friend to come around today, and for dad - with mam of course - to just happen to drop round while she is here (hopefully in the middle of my own haircut so she sees what's happening) and then possibly persuade mam to have hers done too. I think not mentioning the word cut is a good idea, one that I would never have even thought of, so will just say something like "fancy having your hair done too, mam?" I really hope it works, wish me luck. If it does, and while my friend is cutting, I'll maybe give her a manicure or a hand massage to take her mind off it. Something else I'd never have thought of myself.

Thank you all so much for your help.
 
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bernieb

Registered User
Jan 18, 2011
9
0
welwyn gd city
Hi glad to be of some help, order this today will be with you in two days time, then arrange hairdresser she can do the wash with this it is easy to use and quick and you do an activity bucket with things they can relate to in the past. We use pastry cutters as it relates to times when their children were young and cooking but these ideas really do work. In our hospital hairdressing room we even cover up our mirrors for clients who are scared to look in the mirrrors it is about taking away all their fears good luck.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,525
0
North East England
Success

Well it all went to plan, hairdresser came round, mam and dad "happened" to pop in while she was here and we managed to persuade mam to have hers done too, although she was reluctant at first. And her hair looks really nice now, even though it didn't get washed beforehand.

But I think she knows she was tricked, and I feel bad about that. She was complaining to dad about it as they were leaving. I hope she doesn't give him gyp about it for the rest of the day. I hope she forgets about it after a while.