Persuading an Independently Minded Dementia Sufferer that Staying in Residential Care is in his Best Interests

[justinm]

Hi,
My dad (aged 90) was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago but until recently has continued to live relatively independently in his apartment in an assisted living retirement community. He has had a number of falls recently leading to a week's stay in hospital which has taken its toll both mentally and physically, and the advice from the NHS active recovery nurses who saw him on discharge was that he should really be in residential care.
I moved my dad into a very nice care home nearby a few days ago, and the added difficulty is that he has to quarantine for 14 days before he can meet other residents, take part in activities etc. He was becoming lonely in his retirement community because all communal activity has been stopped since the first lockdown, and willingly went to the care home because he was looking forward to more socialisation.
Now he thinks that I have somehow tricked/imprisoned him and keeps threatening to leave, although he is currently too frail to do so by himself.
Does anyone have any advice on how to persuade him to put up with this quarantine period? When he's not happy, a day can feel like a week or even a month to him, so it's going to be a challenge.
Thanks, Justin

 

[Bod]

This reaction is quite normal.
The usual advice is not to visit, or contact for at least 2 weeks. To allow them to settle, without being reminded of the old home life.

Bod

 

[Rosettastone57]

You won't persuade him I'm afraid. You'll wait forever for him to agree with you or see your point of view. He won't be able to understand the situation. Step back, don't make contact, as has already been said, you will only perpetuate the home memories

 

[JudyS]

Hi Justin. My mum is 94 and went into a care home six weeks ago following falls and a visit to A &E. The hospital would not have been happy with discharging her back to her flat where she lived alone with increasing support from myself and my daughter. The first two weeks were difficult and she did say that she hoped she would soon be well enough to go home but the last four weeks has seen her settle in at the care home and she is now quite happy there, although she does not want to join in with all the activities and is quite selective about what she takes part in. During the quarantine period the staff made a point of popping in to her room several times a day for a chat and having been used to her own company she didn't find it too bad. She now says that she is staying there and hasn't mentioned "home" for the last four weeks. I'm sure that your dad will soon settle - I did talk to Mum on the phone every day but I never talked about her home and when she did mention it I changed the subject!

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @justinm and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. Moving to care homes is just so difficult at the moment with the having to isolate and the restrictions on visiting. Your dad probably feels like he has been abandoned and has been there forever.
I agree about not contacting him for a couple of weeks so he can settle. He may well settle, it is early days, but if he doesn't use what we call love lies round here rather than the truth. So he is there to convulse under doctor's orders rather than he couldn't cope at home.
My mum was ninety-one when she moved into care. Nearly two years later she seems really settled, though it has taken a long time, and I still think if offered the choice she'd want to leave. I'm afraid it's the nature of dementia to want to be somewhere else to escape the dementia.
Keep posting. This is a very friendly and supportive place and you'll get lots of help and advice here.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @justinm welcome, you'll find lots of friendly support and advice here. As per the advice already posted, your dad has only been in the care home a few days and it usually takes some time to settle and get used to the new environment and routines and build relationships with the staff and other residents. The staff should be experienced in helping new residents to settle in during the quarantine period and beyond so give it some time, and as others have suggested it may be better for you to stay away during the quarantine period as you will be a constant reminder of 'home'. It won't be easy for you, but once the 14 days are up and your dad can mix with the other residents and take part in activities he may become more settled in his new surroundings.