1. doris

    doris Registered User

    Oct 3, 2005
    23
    hi
    happy new year everyone. I am very down at the moment as i seem to be a personal slave for my friend. Every time i sit down he want something trival i think its just for attention but he seems to be at me all the time. The nights are as bad and he calls me 3-4 times every night for nothing. i try to explain that i need my sleep but it does't make any difference. i feel he is just being selfish and get ratty. What can i do to get him to give me some space i can cope in the day but the nights are really hard. he sleeps during the day off and on and i feel resentful sometimes i dont think i can keep it up for ever.
    Doris
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hi
    Can't think of any practical ideas at the moment, but just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and you are not alone.
     
  3. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    You are certainly not alone. I feel I am an unpaid servant to a completely unappreciative husband, who exhibits all the behavior patterns of a bolshy teenager. Anythingthat needs attention falls to me.
    We had neighbours in over Christmas, and he acted like a guest in his own house, standing there with a full glass chatting to people with empty ones, not answering the door, not taking coats, not offering drinks or food. When, at the end, I said I did not feel he had given me much support he got angry and had a teenage tantrum. The next morning he had of course forgotton everything.
    If I do ask him to do something, such as changing a lightbulb that is out of my reach, there is a huge song and dance about which one, where the bulb is, what to do with the duff one, etc. This of course means that next time I just get the stepladder and do it myself. At the moment he is sitting with a glass of wine, while I have the sheets to change, more washing to do, etc etc. We did not have the traditional marriage, in that I have always been the major breadwinner, but he did pull his weight at home, which now just does not happen at all.
    This is obviously no help to you at all, but at least you know you are not alone!
    But waking him up every time he drops off during the day, and making him take some exercise, might make him sleep more through the night.
    Rosalind
     
  4. janew

    janew Registered User

    Mar 28, 2005
    51
    Dear Doris,

    I sometimes have sleepless nights with my mum - she broke the door handle the other night and I slept on her floor, so she would not close the door and lock herself in - you just don't know what you will have to do next!! (At least I can smile about it now).

    My mum goes to the Day Centre & Nursing Home while I am at work and that seems to tire her out and she seems to sleep better.

    Sorry I don't have any other answer but it seems easier if she is occupied during the day - even going for a walk which she seems to enjoy.

    Take Care Jane
     
  5. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Doris
    I think we all feel like personal slaves at times,most of the times in fact.
    I really am head cook and bottlewasher,I do everything and my wife does nothing.
    They are not idle,it isn't that they won't do things,they have forgotten how!!!!
    I notice also that the please and thank you are not always there these days.
    I am afraid we have to be content when they come through and do say please and thank you.
    Pleased when they say "you are good to me and I love you what would I do without you"
    That has to be reward enough I am afraid.
    Norman :)
     
  6. patriciacolliso

    patriciacolliso Registered User

    Nov 23, 2005
    20
    london
    rosalind

    you seem put out at the way your husband was over christmas. but you must realise he does not know half the time what he is doing. my husband went into a care home on the 1st of dec with AD after I had looked him for 2 years all on my own. he is also double inconintence . so I know how it is. it is know good getting worked up with him. it is not his fault.you have to try and show a bit more understanding. this illness is a terrible thing.
     
  7. patriciacolliso

    patriciacolliso Registered User

    Nov 23, 2005
    20
    london
    personel slave

    you must be worned out. I had the same trouble with my husband before he went into the care home on the first of dec. he has a thing about keep going in the toilet every few minutes during the day and nights.the worse thing was that he is incontince with his water and bowels works. so I never was sure if is was messing himself or not.has your friend got any family that could help you. and you should get it touch with the doctor and social services. they could arrange for your friend to go perhaps to a day center . hope things work out.
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Dear Rosalind and Doris,
    I know that my dad found it very hard when mum was in the earlier stages of dementia. She didn't know him on a night at all, and used to threaten to call the police. He found it so hurtful. All mum's attention was directed at her dog, and dad had to try and keep everything else going. I am sure that it is natural to feel hurt and angry and resentful. No doubt you are both pushing yourselves to your limits. Try and not direct your anger at your loved one, nor at yourself- you don't deserve it. Don't feel guilty, it is wasted energy. Get help from anyone that you can. Find someone else to scream at.
    Take care.
    Amy
     
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Norman,

    We are now at the stage when a smile makes it all worthwhile.

    Amy
     
  10. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    In all honesty I suspect that people with AD will take advantage as much as they can . A bit like children or spoiled pop stars. The trouble is that their world is so small. They just expect more and more to be centred on them. Maybe, sometimes, we let them get away with too much because it is easier?

    I actually boiled over at Monique a few days ago. It was mainly because she was vermently hating the lady who came to assess which (AD) group she should visit - as a sort of club - once a week from 10.00 to 17.00. Quite apart from the "awful woman" Monique was determined not to be a 'mutton'. She would never, ever, ever be part of the flock!

    I know my wife and the problem was not the lady but the concept of going to a club. and possibly being out of her depth or just not having me there.. Now when Monique gets 'bees in her bonnet' which defy debate, they seem to be totally memorable, as if imprinted on her mind..It freaked me out. ...She has become so clingy these days that the small amount of freedom I had has almost completely vanished except for the 4 hour a week I pay a social worker to stay with her... To loose the possibility of a day a week of freedom seemed unbearable. All I have asked is that she goes once to see what it is like - if she hates it, I promised her, I would not insist she goes again.... Mind you ...

    So I lost it - I said if she did not go to this group just once I was out of it. I would get into my sail boat and go.. Monique told me to go to sail to hell if that was what I wanted, a few more home truths and then stormed out. I decided I was: 1) a bully. 2) selfish. 3) had now totally blown any hope of her ever going to any group/club/meeting.

    Sat emailing one of this forum and feeling sorry for myself as I hit the red wine when Monique came back in.

    She wanted to say that next time I went to the boat she would like to come with me. Could she come shopping with me? She really wanted to get more involved in the house work and so on... and of course she would go to the social club to see what it is like.... Now of course this was all because she was suddenly afraid I might go. She knows I can and was afraid I would.

    OK so this is a weapon I must not use but it has made a difference these last days - Monique has made a big effort - helping to peel potatoes, wash up a bit. Tries to lay the table, she tries to talk about things. Not be so demanding. On the other hand she is scared to let me out of her sight.... I can hardly go to the loo alone now... I have really scared her, poor darling and she is making a real effort to be a brighter person - and oddly succeeding to some extent.

    I think what I am trying to say is that sometimes we do almost too much - there is so little in their lives - just boredom and fear and a growing awareness that they cannot live without us - literally. So when we over react it may be a punishment out of all proportion to the crime.

    Of course we should be kind, gentle and understanding but AD sufferers are still human beings and if they come to believe that the world only turns for them then they will believe the world only turns for them and demand more and more.

    The real tragedy is that of course, when they realise how vulnerable they are - if only for a moment in time - then of course they are devastated and truly afraid because, unlike those who look after them - they are indeed totally vulnerable and incapable of any escape - any escape at all...

    or something like that.................
     
  11. inmyname

    inmyname Guest

    I do agree ......they become childlike and clingy and yet also manipulative

    My Mother INSISTS she is only going out of her home in a box .......well at the current rate of progress we probably need to put her in a box to get her to the care home .....this frail 89 yr old lady would though find the stength to fight like hell all the way

    I dont live near her and simply cannot run back and forth , have a sick husband of my own to care for so if my Mother wants to be independant come hell or high water .......on her head be it

    We tried years back to get her to face what she would do if x or y or z happened ......her reply ......it wont happen !!!
     
  12. zan

    zan Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    96
    staffordshire
    doris

    Dear Doris, Your friend may have lost track of when it is day and when it is night. If you are being upset by the night time calls would it be possible to have an answer phone to record any night time messages so you can call him back at a more suitable hour. May be leaving a note taped to his phone telling him not to phone you between certain hours might help him to realize that you might be sleeping even though he is awake. Good luck, love Zan.
     
  13. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    Michael, your reply was such a relief - having been ticked off for my attitude by Patricia I felt pretty bad. And just like you, when I hit high doh about something my husband does suddenly remember that plates go into the dishwasher, etc - for a few days, anyway.
     
  14. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Nada thanks,

    really puts us in our place- such brave people - brilliant site - we should all visit - I now feel really rotten. Perhaps Monique is just scared rigid of going to these meetings. I have been horrid to her today.
    love
    Michael
     
  15. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Nada hi,

    You really did not upset me at all. I am so pleased you placed the links - as you know I think Dancing with Dementia is a must read for any one looking after an AD sufferer and the visit to the link you placed is also a must read - I think...

    What is so interesting about the problem is that we seem to underestimate the sense and logic that AD patients have because they cannot remember recent things and regress to .. well long ago... and the ghosts/visitors that seem so real... and we have all had nightmares and awakened for a moment not sure if....

    What I was trying to express which I think Bruce and Norman have been saying is that we need to try to understand the motivation for some of the behaviour and that takes some lateral thinking sometimes...

    I got cross with Monique because she would not see reason - but I missed the point that she was not being stubborn or plain horrid and difficult but was so scared of what I was asking her to do - go to this AD 'club' with another name tomorrow she would fight me tooth and nail even though she cannot survive without me!! So she must be scared - and I must find a way of instilling confidence, courage and motivation... Tomorrow the nurse comes in specially early at 9.00 and then I have to try to get Monique into the car and drive her to the 'meeting' ----- watch this space - exciting huh?

    So dear Nada thank you for the kind words but I am really pleased to know all I can about what it must be like in their poor muddled heads - so I can react better.

    love

    Michael
     
  16. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Michael,

    your post touched me greatly. I so wish you all the best in the time to come.

    She will not be able to say it, necessarily, so I will - you are a very special man and she is as lucky to have you, as you are to have had her with you, even now.
     
  17. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Michael: I think you are quite wonderful in the way you deal with Monique - of I can be half as good with David I know I will have achieved something. I have had a difficult few weeks and really follow what you and many others are achieving.

    You are all such a wonderful example to all of us - hard to follow!!! - but great for guidance and reassurance. Thanks a million. BeckyJan
     
  18. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Micheal
    you are getting there you are understanding the way our loved ones minds work.
    Don't worry about getting mad being nasy to Momique,I still get like it with Peg.
    It is frustration,you so badly want them to understand,to do well to do as you ask.
    They can't and then the frustration creeps in,you get mad,with the AD,not Monique.
    Peg will say you are good to me and then I feel a really lousy swine for getting mad with her.I will think about you tomorrow morning,we have to go to our consultant clinic 10.15, for 6 monthly check.
    I 'aint looking forward to it.
    Norman
     
  19. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Hi All,

    Being a full time AD carer is a thankless task for much of the time. Not only does it rob our loved ones of their wonderful personalities and memories but it robs carers of their own lives too.

    Lack of sleep, endless repetetive conversations, toiletting, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning, ad nasuem.... and that's without the total isolation and lack of real understanding from friends, family and siblings. Little wonder we get cranky from time to time! It's totally normal to feel cross or overwhelmed and nobody needs to feel any guilt about that - ever.

    All carers need time out. We cannot possibly do a good job every minute of the day - it's a totally unrealistic expectation. It isn't at all selfish to think of yourself first. Every carer is the focal point of the operation. If the carer burns out, then the whole deck of cards collapses in a big heap!

    Don't beat yourself up. Get some help from Crossroads, Day Care and Respite. Every hour that you can spend alone to relax is very precious and will give you the boost to keep going later on. Just knowing that you have a few hours off coming up will help enormously.

    Day by Day as Norm says.

    Jude
     
  20. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    60
    #20 SallyB, Jan 14, 2006
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2006
    Dear Rosalind and Michael,

    I know exactly what you mean. I often 'rant' at my partner trying to work out if i am doing too much for Dad. If that is possible.

    Recently i hit rock bottom , but that's another story. What I have come to realise is that sometimes I do have to be cruel to be kind. Dad will keep me with him for as long as is possible finding me more jobs to do. If i suggest that perhaps he feeds his dog, 'I don't care, I should just leave him' Until of course I do feed the dog before leaving, because if i don't i feel guilty!

    The other day I was just leaving when he decided he needed to go to the toilet, I helped him get undressed (he has to be naked to sit on the toilet) and said I would ring him in a while to check he was ok. At this point he started to shout and tell me that I must wait in case he did anything as people keep telling him he has a problem with his memory and we don't belive him when he tells us he has been to the toilet!

    Trying to be strong i explained that i really had to go but that he would be ok and that i would ring him so he could tell me what he had done. As i left he was standing at the top of tha stairs in just his slippers telling me that if i wouldn't wait he wouldn't sit on the toilet!

    I did leave, but didn't get a chance to ring him as half an hour later he was calling me to tell me that he had been to the toilet and that he was saving it for someone to see!

    As hard as it is I try to leave when it is time, I understand that he is scared and wants me to be with him all the time , (even though my partner and i would have him with us) I understand that sometimes it feels as though they are trying to manipulate us.

    But i guess at the end of it i know that if he had any choice he wouldn't be standing there naked asking me to check the toilet for him.

    Isn't this just the worse thing to try and get your head around?

    Sally
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.