1. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    Can anyone help. This last 2 weeks my husband has been refusing to shower or have a wash. He gets very nasty with me and says he will see to himself when he wants to and not when I ask him. I have had to help him shower and wash for at least 4 years now. If I walk away and say ok you just let me know if you need my help, he is still in his dressing gown and unwashed 2 hours later. Sometimes I leave it for a while and then start again, but he just sends me away. The other day I had to phone the dentist to say we may not get there for the appointment. In the end he finally agreed to wash and dress half an hoir before we had to leave. Also I have problems when he has his bowels open as timing is unpredictable and he doesn't clean himself. Sometimes he lets me clean him and other times sends me out of the room. I now never make an appointment for the morning as I hope I can get him sorted after lunch if not before. Can anyone advise please.x
  2. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    This was the reason I was happy to get outside carers in for OH, she had not been washing properly or letting me do it.

    I would advise getting hold of your local social services for an assessment of needs and of costs involved as a first step. It would be worth asking for a separate carers assessment too, if you have not already looked into either of these. OH does still occasionally talk the agency carers into just giving her a strip wash, but at least I now someone is getting her clean and clothed.

    Hope that helps you Casbow.
  3. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    Thankyou. I don,t know how that would work. He won't let me out if his sight to be looked after by someone else. I really must try though. I feel so hurt that he can get so cross when all I,m trying to do is help him. When I leave him to manage on his own he doesn.t get anywhere at all. Everytime I think things are settling into a pattern that I can cope with, it all changes again.x
  4. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    As LadyA, on another thread, quite rightly pointed out from childhood we are trained to look after our personal hygiene by ourselves. As she said, if you were to have a toileting accident because of a tummy bug or something you would deal with it, you wouldn't ask for help. Your husband is trying to maintain his dignity but sadly may well have forgotten how to do things like cleaning himself or may be even washing and shaving but may not yet feel ready to ask for help. You may find that your husband would prefer a carer to assist him once he gets used to the idea. My husband did let me help him but I think he felt very uncomfortable having to let me do those very personal things, after all it's not exactly what we signed up for when we got married! xx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  5. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    Sorry I'm back again. Had a really bad day. OH would not get showered or washed or dressed. Could not leave the house. Had to cancel bowls club. We hardly ever go out so this was another miss. Ended up calling the doctors surgery to talk to the doctor that is dealing with dementia. Cutting a long story short the doctor came out to see us. After examining OH and discussing the situation with me he has increased OH medication which i will start tomorrow. Meanwhile my husband has gone to bed at 7.30. So what kind of a night am I in for! I have seen such a huge deterioration in the last 2 weeks. Is this a point that I have to realise that I am not coping. He gets so nasty with me and cannot remember what has happened. Two friends called in and and he was nasty to them as well., I cannot believe the change. What will I do if he keeps refusing personal care help. x
  6. Frank68

    Frank68 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2013
    South Coast
    Hi Casbow, so sorry to read of your problems and that you have had such a trying day. This really is such an unpleasant thing to deal with yet so common as those we care for get further down the line.
    We had a big discussion about just your sort of difficulties at our Alz Cafe a few weeks ago. The general consensus was that although there can be initial resistance to a carer coming in to do the bathing, if they are uniformed up in overalls (as thy will be) then there is soon acceptance of them - a sort of "nurse" we supposed. It so hard for us as partners too - loving intimacy surrendered to the most basic of functionality... I have wondered if some of my revulsion feeds back into my wife's shame? So tricky when you do not know what they are feeling.....
    I am lucky at the moment in that my wife is very compliant on the whole. I get in the shower with her and wash her, making a bit of a game about it: my little song I sing to her every time on the lines of " let your armpits be your charm pits - you will smell so nice today" has to be heard to be believed! I find the song helps get me over the sh...y moments too, together with plenty of perfume!
    Bless you both.
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Hi Casbow, I'm so sorry about what you and your OH are going through. Perhaps it is a turning point or at least the approach to a turning point, where you may have to acknowledge that you simply cannot supply the level of care being required now, and chances are needs will only increase into the future....

    Hard times made worse by hard choices :(

    I have said before on TP that a duty of care doesn't mean doing it all yourself, it means making sure the care our LO gets is the best we can provide, whether it's provided personally by us or by others that we have arranged.

    Does OH have a SW you could discuss care needs with?

    Good luck and big hugs.
  8. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    Persona; hygiene

    Thankyou to everyone who has replied to me. I am so grateful for your help. At the moment the doctor has increased his medication and today has been very much better. The thing is I have been helping with his personal care for more than 4 years and suddenly he turned on me. I think it might be ok for a while. Problem is as his vascular dementia gets worse, everything keeps changing. So today has been ok. Long may it last. Good luck to all of you and I hope that you get a good nights sleep.xxx
  9. Aisling

    Aisling Registered User

    Dec 5, 2015
    Good night Casbow and if you can't sleep, keep posting.

    Virtual hugs,

    Aisling ( Ireland)

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