personal hygene
- Thread starter chrisban
- Start date
No, she wouldn't remember. The last time we went to the clinic, I got a lecture from the consultant because she hides her tablets, so he carefully told her that he was the doctor, and she must take the tablets he prescribes.
Sometimes I wonder how these people qualify, if she could remember what he said, we wouldn't need the tablets!!!! She won't remember the visit to the doctors, or the clinic after an hour.
Sometimes I wonder how these people qualify, if she could remember what he said, we wouldn't need the tablets!!!! She won't remember the visit to the doctors, or the clinic after an hour.
Just that every one with a Demetria is different, my mother may not remember what the doctor said or going there but she knows the meaning of the word " doctor " I prompt her memory of the doctor negative reaction doctor gave me long while ago also blaming me !!! .
I have been told my mother has vascular dementia, so still has some recall of memory especially negative memory. As the word " Doctor to my mother is negative.
I can see that lots of people can't be bothered with a bath - I am the same, always cold in the room, seems a lot of water for a little body - and my shower is quite pathetic. I, too, hate water "coming at me", thought as a relatively fit and sane person, I manage it okay. Once on holiday in a mobile home, there was a "half bath" and I loved it. You sit on a seat/slab, at an easy height. The bathwater comes up to your knees, and you use a sponge or flannel to wash your upper half, but can splash about more than you can with a stand-up wash at the sink.
I wouldn't worry too much about hair washing. My mother only ever had hers done on her fortnightly visit to the hairdresser, probably a left over from the fact that she was brought up with gaslights and a tin bath. She thought the fortnightly visit to the hairdresser was a luxury that she didn't really need.
Baby wipes, or general antiseptic wipes, or even just moisturising wipes are a good idea. Can do for underarms, bottoms, under breasts (being a very large-breasted person I have the problem of keeping that area odour free, even with a daily shower, it gets sweatier than men's feet!). Changing clothes will help of course.
Those with problems, can you make "bath night" a special occasion? Nice warm bath in warm bathroom, bubbles if you like (wouldn't interest me or my mum), a lovely clean nightie and thick snuggly dressing gown, downstairs for a hot toddy followed by hot chocolate and a cream bun, and off to a warm bed?
I am not one to advise, my mum was fastidious about washing regularly, still in the days when you came home from the factory and had a wash before eating.
Hope you can all find a solution that suits. But if not, well smelly rellies are better than no rellies. A bit crude, sorry, but true I think.
Margaret
I wouldn't worry too much about hair washing. My mother only ever had hers done on her fortnightly visit to the hairdresser, probably a left over from the fact that she was brought up with gaslights and a tin bath. She thought the fortnightly visit to the hairdresser was a luxury that she didn't really need.
Baby wipes, or general antiseptic wipes, or even just moisturising wipes are a good idea. Can do for underarms, bottoms, under breasts (being a very large-breasted person I have the problem of keeping that area odour free, even with a daily shower, it gets sweatier than men's feet!). Changing clothes will help of course.
Those with problems, can you make "bath night" a special occasion? Nice warm bath in warm bathroom, bubbles if you like (wouldn't interest me or my mum), a lovely clean nightie and thick snuggly dressing gown, downstairs for a hot toddy followed by hot chocolate and a cream bun, and off to a warm bed?
I am not one to advise, my mum was fastidious about washing regularly, still in the days when you came home from the factory and had a wash before eating.
Hope you can all find a solution that suits. But if not, well smelly rellies are better than no rellies. A bit crude, sorry, but true I think.
Margaret
I'm not so worried about my relatives, they are all used to it from visits to us anyway.
Personally, I really doubt she is going to be able to cope with it, I'm hoping that she will be ablt to make the church bit and a bit of the reception, but knowing how she has been with family celebrations in the past, its likely she'll want to go after an hour or so anyway. Any suggestions from me about the wedding are usually met with "Can't he cancel it?" if I mention her having to do anything.
That's a problem in its own right, as we don't like to leave her on her own for any length of time in the evenings.
I do try and get her to wash when I get her to change her clothes, but as she won't let me help, I can't tell exactly what she has or hasn't done.
Since she is very independent when it comes to this sort of thing, suggesting wipes etc would not go down very well.
Margarita, I know all forms of dementia are different, but you would have thought that anyone as involved as a psycho geriatrician would at least understand that memory, and especially short term memory, is a siginificant problem.
Personally, I really doubt she is going to be able to cope with it, I'm hoping that she will be ablt to make the church bit and a bit of the reception, but knowing how she has been with family celebrations in the past, its likely she'll want to go after an hour or so anyway. Any suggestions from me about the wedding are usually met with "Can't he cancel it?" if I mention her having to do anything.
That's a problem in its own right, as we don't like to leave her on her own for any length of time in the evenings.
I do try and get her to wash when I get her to change her clothes, but as she won't let me help, I can't tell exactly what she has or hasn't done.
Since she is very independent when it comes to this sort of thing, suggesting wipes etc would not go down very well.
Margarita, I know all forms of dementia are different, but you would have thought that anyone as involved as a psycho geriatrician would at least understand that memory, and especially short term memory, is a siginificant problem.
Splatt88
Just wanted to say I am totally getting where you are coming from
This sounds exactly like my mother (I've been posting this week about my latest probs).
Just out of curiosity; was she very stubborn before the dementia? My mother was and now that is a major problem. You are winning in the "how long is it since your rellie had a bath" competition. Thought mine was bad at three years but really, can it be any worse at six? I think they must reach a plateau where the smell cannot worsen
My mum gives me abuse in the GP appointments: 'liar'; b**ch etc and then is all smiles by the time we get to the receptionist area whilst I am crying and very upset.
I have found no useful help whatsoever with these problems; these people are not bathing due to an illness so to say we have to respect their wishes is a nonsense. They themselves would not wish to leave someone if they were watching someone else in that position (make sense?).
Bye for now.
S
Just wanted to say I am totally getting where you are coming from
This sounds exactly like my mother (I've been posting this week about my latest probs).Just out of curiosity; was she very stubborn before the dementia? My mother was and now that is a major problem. You are winning in the "how long is it since your rellie had a bath" competition. Thought mine was bad at three years but really, can it be any worse at six? I think they must reach a plateau where the smell cannot worsen
My mum gives me abuse in the GP appointments: 'liar'; b**ch etc and then is all smiles by the time we get to the receptionist area whilst I am crying and very upset.
I have found no useful help whatsoever with these problems; these people are not bathing due to an illness so to say we have to respect their wishes is a nonsense. They themselves would not wish to leave someone if they were watching someone else in that position (make sense?).
Bye for now.
S
Hi Sumosumo
Yes, she has always been very stubborn and used to getting her own way.
Over the years I've tried all the other things suggested, and in fact I posted a lot in this subject some years ago when I first joined TP when we started living together.
Nothing seems to work, not least because she insists she doesn't need any help. I've tried the bubbles and comfort routine, the blunt "you smell" routine and the cajoling if you do this, we can do this, routine. All have been met with the same stubborn resistance, it just ends in a row and there's no point in pursuing it.
I'm convinced that she goes through the motions when I do put her clean clothes in the bathroom and fill the sink so she can wash, I don't think she does but I can't prove it. All I know is the smell hasn't improved!!!
In the end its not worth the recriminations, even though she doesn't remember any argument five minutes after its finished, I suppose thats a bonus!!!!
Yes, she has always been very stubborn and used to getting her own way.
Over the years I've tried all the other things suggested, and in fact I posted a lot in this subject some years ago when I first joined TP when we started living together.
Nothing seems to work, not least because she insists she doesn't need any help. I've tried the bubbles and comfort routine, the blunt "you smell" routine and the cajoling if you do this, we can do this, routine. All have been met with the same stubborn resistance, it just ends in a row and there's no point in pursuing it.
I'm convinced that she goes through the motions when I do put her clean clothes in the bathroom and fill the sink so she can wash, I don't think she does but I can't prove it. All I know is the smell hasn't improved!!!
In the end its not worth the recriminations, even though she doesn't remember any argument five minutes after its finished, I suppose thats a bonus!!!!
I am just sharing my experience.
My brother got another mental illness, he too would not bath, wash
I got to stress out caring for 2 people that had the same issue, never thinking knowing how bad it would get with my mother hygiene.
So I handed over the his care to the local authority , As I did not like that I had to stand in bathroom with my brother , with shower curtain covering him , just to make sure he was really bathing .he could became to challenging for me , because his a big built 6ft man .
I knew when I ran his bath he was not getting in, he just put on his clean clothier. I knew he was doing that, because he still smelled. His thing that just putting on aftershave will cover his body Odour .
My brother thought he was very crafty, your find that people with mental illness can be very crafty, they end up running rings around you, will that from my experience with my brother. I don't know it that still the case with my mother & her Demetria. But I had to end up doing that with my mother, staying in bathroom with her , even if she like it or not . Just to make sure she was washing herself .
His key worker where his living full time now rings me tells me.
She told him to run the bath, and then she sees him on their CCTV walking out of the building.
She laughs while she tell me “she told him to run the bath, which he did , but she never told him “to get in the bath “
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my mother's shower routine was once a week, and she still keeps it, with some big variations.
her problem is she doesn't want to change her bed sheets so i just have a second same sheet and change it for her in secret.
we used to have fights about washing her clothes. now i try to sneak in her room and grab whatever i see dirty and start the laundry immediately. because she searches everything.. the washing machine, trash cans..
but i am not sure what she does with her underwear. sometimes i find some in the washing machine, sometimes she washes them by herself. but they are usually very dirty and i suspect she doesn't change them often. i started discussions on the issue but in vein..
i just keep going..
her problem is she doesn't want to change her bed sheets so i just have a second same sheet and change it for her in secret.
we used to have fights about washing her clothes. now i try to sneak in her room and grab whatever i see dirty and start the laundry immediately. because she searches everything.. the washing machine, trash cans..
but i am not sure what she does with her underwear. sometimes i find some in the washing machine, sometimes she washes them by herself. but they are usually very dirty and i suspect she doesn't change them often. i started discussions on the issue but in vein..
i just keep going..
I just have one small disagreement there, Sumo.....about keeping bottoms clean! In females it is very easy for e-coli in faecal matter left around the anus to cause bladder infection simply by 'travelling' that few centimetres. This of course usually causes the urine to smell even worse, as well as having health negatives in itself (extra confusion, pain and frequency of peeing etc)
Baby wipes are a good last resort for this....but, as everyone has said, it's a battle getting anything done concerned with washing. SO glad I am not alone with this one!
I agree with that also.
As those fungal in belly button ( beside the smell ) also like my mother got it under the breast can also be down between the pervert parts, if left untreated it somehow burns into the skin & you get open sores. Like my mother did under her breast.
Also like my brother he get sweat sores, it’s like a spot or a boil something can come out of it, it’s very hard to heal as he also keeps picking it not washing drying himself properly . I don't like talking about it as I feel
about my brother mother hygiene in how bad it got , that why I did not say anything .That why I had to put my foot down, assert myself over my mother, without losing my temper, stand in bathroom asking her to show me how she washes herself. she never use to be like this , so I wanted to know what was going wrong ,all her coordination was all over the place .
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Margarita
Maybe its "easier" ( if anything with this disease is easy!!) because its your mum you are dealing with ( though how you deal with your brother as well is beyond me!!)
Mary is my MIL, so its very difficult, I don't have that personal interaction with her that mothers and daughters have. Mind you, I'm not sure I could have been like that with my own mum either, I think their generation ( both are/were into their mid eighties) were far more prudish about being seen unclothed.
If you consider the way Mary feels, she is a visitor to the house, she doen't think she lives here, and she has only been here a few days, why would she need to have a bath?
Maybe its "easier" ( if anything with this disease is easy!!) because its your mum you are dealing with ( though how you deal with your brother as well is beyond me!!)
Mary is my MIL, so its very difficult, I don't have that personal interaction with her that mothers and daughters have. Mind you, I'm not sure I could have been like that with my own mum either, I think their generation ( both are/were into their mid eighties) were far more prudish about being seen unclothed.
If you consider the way Mary feels, she is a visitor to the house, she doen't think she lives here, and she has only been here a few days, why would she need to have a bath?
hello. Yes, I did say "not a concern for health" but who am I really kidding?!! I'm trying to convince myself as the authorities keep telling me this! They are brainwashing me
I went for my therapeutic walk tonight to yet again think HOW to get these id**ts to listen to what I am saying. My mother STINKS in every way possible. Because I have been ensuring her house has not burnt down and she is still alive I have of course, been showing them that 'someone is going in'. But I am NOT doing that now. I have managed six days. My brainwave tonight was to go to my GP and tell him my decision (the subject comes up every time). Idea being he writes to Social Services and says "daughter handing over care to you". Is this a crazy idea?? The aim? My mother needs some care and I cannot manage any longer.
I went for my therapeutic walk tonight to yet again think HOW to get these id**ts to listen to what I am saying. My mother STINKS in every way possible. Because I have been ensuring her house has not burnt down and she is still alive I have of course, been showing them that 'someone is going in'. But I am NOT doing that now. I have managed six days. My brainwave tonight was to go to my GP and tell him my decision (the subject comes up every time). Idea being he writes to Social Services and says "daughter handing over care to you". Is this a crazy idea?? The aim? My mother needs some care and I cannot manage any longer.
Hi Sumo
Does your GP know the extent of the problem? If maybe not, you could ask for a home visit now (while the house/mum are at their worst without your interventions).... perhaps that would bring home to someone how bad the situation is??
It's tough, though
Hope you can get help soon.
Snip
Does your GP know the extent of the problem? If maybe not, you could ask for a home visit now (while the house/mum are at their worst without your interventions).... perhaps that would bring home to someone how bad the situation is??
It's tough, though
Hope you can get help soon.
Snip
Hi Snip
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Yes, GP knows the situation and has photographic evidence to support my written reports - given to him from me. The problem I have is if the GP agreed to do the home visit mum would not be in that house anyway. She only sleeps in the chaotic home; spends 7am til about 9pm with her sister in her house (they are neighbours). I have said to them "I can get mum into her own house" but they don't listen (conveniently). I have also suggested mum move into the sister's home but again, no.
Thanks again for your time. x
Thanks for taking the time to write.
Yes, GP knows the situation and has photographic evidence to support my written reports - given to him from me. The problem I have is if the GP agreed to do the home visit mum would not be in that house anyway. She only sleeps in the chaotic home; spends 7am til about 9pm with her sister in her house (they are neighbours). I have said to them "I can get mum into her own house" but they don't listen (conveniently). I have also suggested mum move into the sister's home but again, no.
Thanks again for your time. x
Splat88;
My mother would not let me go near her, that like saying your husband could deal with it better, because Mary is his Mother. When it came to that part of hygiene with my mother they was no personal interaction, as I am sure it was also the same with your husband & his mother Just like with my brother and I .
In my mother perception she moved in with me because she was lonely after my father pass away. Not that she had a dementia what the dementia would do to her.
So you also have to take into consideration if Mary knows what those dementia symptoms dose to a person
So even thought someone short term memory is effected like Mary is , does not mean all the very long term memory is effected. So In those very long term memory’s that have not been effect with the brain damage yet is stored all they values, pride , knowledge understanding of Demetria and memory.
So if you ask Mary does she know what a dementia is? Or may be before asking Mary that, ask your husband as he must of shared his past with Mary in his childhood , As Mary like my mother may perceive anything to do with talking about memory being effected is a negative, so to my mother there is nothing wrong with her memory. So its was not wroth disagreeing with her back then.
Then if you feel still Mary Negating her own health , because of what her short team memory is doing to her .
I would have thought you have a duty of care, so can call in a district nurse or CPN , if you Mary hygiene is effecting Mary health .
Please do not take offense me saying " Duty of Care" As I know we do not live in perfect world when it come to Demetria support while caring for someone with Demetria at home with us.
My mother would not let me go near her, that like saying your husband could deal with it better, because Mary is his Mother. When it came to that part of hygiene with my mother they was no personal interaction, as I am sure it was also the same with your husband & his mother Just like with my brother and I .
In my mother perception she moved in with me because she was lonely after my father pass away. Not that she had a dementia what the dementia would do to her.
So you also have to take into consideration if Mary knows what those dementia symptoms dose to a person
So even thought someone short term memory is effected like Mary is , does not mean all the very long term memory is effected. So In those very long term memory’s that have not been effect with the brain damage yet is stored all they values, pride , knowledge understanding of Demetria and memory.
So if you ask Mary does she know what a dementia is? Or may be before asking Mary that, ask your husband as he must of shared his past with Mary in his childhood , As Mary like my mother may perceive anything to do with talking about memory being effected is a negative, so to my mother there is nothing wrong with her memory. So its was not wroth disagreeing with her back then.
Then if you feel still Mary Negating her own health , because of what her short team memory is doing to her .
I would have thought you have a duty of care, so can call in a district nurse or CPN , if you Mary hygiene is effecting Mary health .
Please do not take offense me saying " Duty of Care" As I know we do not live in perfect world when it come to Demetria support while caring for someone with Demetria at home with us.
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Well. given that her short term memory is just that, very short, whatever we discuss at the time is gone the minute the conversation is two minutes old. So, though we discuss dementia, usually when she says to me, "Don't get old" and I try and explain its an illness not old age, as soon as the conversation is over its all forgotten.
She is far more aggressive with my husband than she is with me, and as I've said before, over the last six years I've come to allow her to do whatever she feels comfortable with. As far as I can remember, the one time I actually got her to have a shower, wasn't any different from the other 10 times I'd tried before. As we all know, moods can change from minute to minute. Past suggestions from me that I would need to involve social services if she didn't wash were met with point blank refusal to allow it, if she doesn't want them, they aren't coming in. Its more my sensibilites than hers, I feel guilty every time I take her to see the nurse and she has to undress. I could be imagining it, but I always sense disapproval that I haven't done more.
I am wondering, I don't want her to miss the wedding, but when I mention getting a haircut, getting new clothes etc, she says she doesn't see why she has to go, telling her its her grandson and she is family makes no difference. So, what do I do?
She used to enjoy a regular visit to the hairdressers, but she is very reluctant to go out now, always saying she is too idle to go, but having the raving hump when we get back becuase she's been left on her own!!!! You can't win!
She is far more aggressive with my husband than she is with me, and as I've said before, over the last six years I've come to allow her to do whatever she feels comfortable with. As far as I can remember, the one time I actually got her to have a shower, wasn't any different from the other 10 times I'd tried before. As we all know, moods can change from minute to minute. Past suggestions from me that I would need to involve social services if she didn't wash were met with point blank refusal to allow it, if she doesn't want them, they aren't coming in. Its more my sensibilites than hers, I feel guilty every time I take her to see the nurse and she has to undress. I could be imagining it, but I always sense disapproval that I haven't done more.
I am wondering, I don't want her to miss the wedding, but when I mention getting a haircut, getting new clothes etc, she says she doesn't see why she has to go, telling her its her grandson and she is family makes no difference. So, what do I do?
She used to enjoy a regular visit to the hairdressers, but she is very reluctant to go out now, always saying she is too idle to go, but having the raving hump when we get back becuase she's been left on her own!!!! You can't win!
Then tell Mary you will let them in, because they helping you not her .
That is very true, so who knows what reaction Mary give the social worker, even if its negative at lest SW will know what stress your under.
With me Just got to the point that on one occasions, I have had to walk out of the house, just leaving mum all alone, not come back to the evening we where both living together at that time.
Social service was never of any help to me in giving me tips in how to get mum to wash, all they could offer is a carer to come in the house to wash mum in my career assessment. It was my carer assessment even if mum not wanting it while with me saying to my mother “I can’t cope anymore, so I need carer to help me to help you “while mum tell me she does not need any help.
Somehow between us over a long time with me standing in background mum let carer wash her, (some days mum was not in the mood for a wash, so I told her to leave it for today)
I got my friend who is a hairdresser to come to my place, cut mum hair, while mum saying “she won't hurt me “again between the both of us we convince mum to let her cut her hair , she would spray wet mum hair rather than wash it .
If worse come to the worse and on the wedding day Mary does not let anyone wash her cut her hair, she does not wash herself. Spray a nice smelling perfume over her when she not looking.
If Mary does not want to go, tell her OK stay here on your own, but I am going . even if mary forget what you said , repeat it to her . Every time the wedding conversation come up
May be its Just all to much information for her .
Try not letting her spoil your mood of the build up to the wedding day, because you never know what the future hold on the day or the day before the wedding , Mary may Just wash self and want to go, when she seeing you all getting ready to go.
Just keep telling tell her OK stay here on your own?
What date is the wedding ?
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What a lovely idea Margarita, she may just surprise us all and have that wash before the wedding!! If she doesn't I'll have the perfect excuse to drown myself in perfume!!!
Thats if we don't have a scene getting her there. I think you are right, I should enjoy the build up to the wedding and not let it stress me out.
Eldest son gets married on 11th April ( Easter Saturday) but my youngest gets married this September and that won't be so easy because its the other end of the country and MIL will not handle a hotel.
We've tentatively mentioned respite for a few days, but she is insistent that she can look after herself.
Thats if we don't have a scene getting her there. I think you are right, I should enjoy the build up to the wedding and not let it stress me out.
Eldest son gets married on 11th April ( Easter Saturday) but my youngest gets married this September and that won't be so easy because its the other end of the country and MIL will not handle a hotel.
We've tentatively mentioned respite for a few days, but she is insistent that she can look after herself.
Splatt...just a thought...and probably a bit OTT...but have you thought of NOT taking her to the wedding??
Would she appreciate it anyway? Will the stress of her being there (and what 'condition' she is in) make the day less than it should be for you?
Sometimes I think we have to not always put the AD person first
Good Luck
Snip
Would she appreciate it anyway? Will the stress of her being there (and what 'condition' she is in
) make the day less than it should be for you?Sometimes I think we have to not always put the AD person first
Good Luck
Snip
