Mum has been in a lovely secure dementia care home for 14 months now . She has Frontal temporal dementia which makes her quite different from the other residents there ,who all have their moments , but seem content , unlike Mum . Mum gets very agitated , anxious and angry . As a result the staff are struggling with her personal care and the last three times I have gone to visit Mum I have arrived to find that she has had an accident ( as she is now doubley incontinent ) and she has needed changing . Mum flatly refuses the majority of staff to let them clean her teeth , bottom or help her get dressed . There are two particular staff members who Mum likes and she will let them do her personal care , and they get called upon when Mum needs changing , but my concern is what happens when they are not available ? I am worried she may start to get infections etc if she is sitting in her own urine or faeces for hours . I understand that the staff have to pick their battles , and they don’t want to man handle mum and cause more anxiety , but it is worrying me that they have to rely on two staff members , and today , neither of them were on duty . Part of me wants to suggest they have some specialist training in dealing with Mums type of dementia , which might help when it comes to offering her personal care . It is distressing visiting Mum and nearly always finding that she’s soiled herself . Any advice please .
Personal care
- Thread starter printgirl
- Start date
My Mum went through a period like this but she did have Alzheimers.
From when she woke in the morning, carers knew right away what Mum was going to be like, and in Mums case there was only 1 carer that she would allow to do personal cares, but sometimes still a struggle.
She was an older woman, that Mum had an affinity with, as she would get Mum up dancing, and just had a way about her, despite other carers trying the same.
It got to the point where Mum went 3 days without showering or personal care. She was semi incontinent, and threw everything out of her wardrobe and went to the toilet in there, despite having an ensuite toilet.
The only solution for my Mum, was a low dose antipsyhcotic- Quetiapine, which was a last resort.
This was after Mum scratching and digging her nails into a carers arms.
Quetiapine worked very well and gave Mum some quality of life back.
From when she woke in the morning, carers knew right away what Mum was going to be like, and in Mums case there was only 1 carer that she would allow to do personal cares, but sometimes still a struggle.
She was an older woman, that Mum had an affinity with, as she would get Mum up dancing, and just had a way about her, despite other carers trying the same.
It got to the point where Mum went 3 days without showering or personal care. She was semi incontinent, and threw everything out of her wardrobe and went to the toilet in there, despite having an ensuite toilet.
The only solution for my Mum, was a low dose antipsyhcotic- Quetiapine, which was a last resort.
This was after Mum scratching and digging her nails into a carers arms.
Quetiapine worked very well and gave Mum some quality of life back.
Hello @printgirl
Try not to worry too much in case the carers your mum accepts may not be there for ever. As your mum`s dementia progresses she may become more compliant and accept personal care from other carers.
My husband had a phase of being aggressive during personal care and refusing a bath. As his dementia progressed he lost some of the paranoia and insight and became much more accepting.
It`s sad to hope for progression but it does sometimes mean the loss of awareness helps the person with dementia to become more contented.
Try not to worry too much in case the carers your mum accepts may not be there for ever. As your mum`s dementia progresses she may become more compliant and accept personal care from other carers.
My husband had a phase of being aggressive during personal care and refusing a bath. As his dementia progressed he lost some of the paranoia and insight and became much more accepting.
It`s sad to hope for progression but it does sometimes mean the loss of awareness helps the person with dementia to become more contented.
Hi there, personal care for my husband is becoming a daily nightmare. Carers now come in 2's due to his aggression. There are times when he will let me help without any problem and other times when he just lashes out at me constantly. He's already on Quetiapine, and I do have Lorazepam for when he kicks off. Ever tried giving medication to someone in that state? Its's almost impossible. I've tried it every way - crushed in juice in yoghurt etc. I'm reaching my wits end, and I know his consultant probably feels he should be in a care home. But how would that help? He still won't like personal care. Plus he still knows who I am and uses my name so I don't what him in a care home yet. I know here is a possibility that I will have to make that decision down the line. However, just now I just want to find a way that helps him to accept assistance so that I know he isn't going to have other problems due to not being dry and clean.
@JayDeeEmm I was lucky that my dad was usually co-operative with his home carer (although he’d been a complete nightmare with me!) but once he'd had a stroke and ended up in a carehome he frequently kicked off with the carers there, especially when it came to personal care. They used to leave him and keep going back until he was ready to accept help. Obviously carers who come to the home can’t do this.
Have you thought about asking the carers to do something else to help you during their visit (e.g. laundry or cleaning) so that you can just deal with your husband when he is calmer - if you can manage him on your own?
Have you thought about asking the carers to do something else to help you during their visit (e.g. laundry or cleaning) so that you can just deal with your husband when he is calmer - if you can manage him on your own?
Hi there, thanks for responding. It's appreciated. The big problem seems to be when he has soiled himself. He does wear disposable pull up pants which does make a big difference re cleaning etc. I do have meds (Lorazepam) but it should really only be given when he is 'in the moment' agitation wise. However, that's when it's most difficult to get him to take it! I can manage him although it it exhausting. After speaking with the CPN yesterday, the latest suggestion is that if it looks as though he is about to kick off with me, try to get the Lorazepam into him and then wait about 30 minutes until he is calmer and more likely to be agreeable to letting me assist changing him. We can but try. However, he can't be the only person in the country who reacts like this to personal care. I know that the docs/consultants/cpn all think I should consider a care home. But while he knows who I am I am not willing to do that. Our marriage vows were not made lightly even although it was 45 years ago and I will continue to do whatever I can for him at home while I can. I feel that there must be something we haven't thought of that will help in these situations.
Hi @JayDeeEmm I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having. My wife was resistant to personal care. Although not incontinent she did have a habit of soiling the bathroom floor and using anything to hand, such as a clean towel, to 'clean it up'.
For me the test was not whether she still knew me (she did and still does). I was concerned that I was no longer able to give her the care that she needed and deserved at home. It was a 24 hour job for which I was underqualified and understaffed. I needed to find the best solution for her and that came in the shape of the care home where she has lIved for 2 years. There the staff slowly gained her trust so that she became accepting of personal care. Her contact dermatitis cleared up with the easing of repetitive behaviour that had dogged her for 18 months. She is now clean, properly looked after and as content as I have seen her in a long time. We have got back a little of our relationship as husband and wife which was lost when I became her sole carer.
Taking the care home decision was hard but was the best thing I could have done for her.
I understand your desire to keep looking after your husband at home. I hope that my story might help you when (almost inevitably) you get beyond your ability to cope.
For me the test was not whether she still knew me (she did and still does). I was concerned that I was no longer able to give her the care that she needed and deserved at home. It was a 24 hour job for which I was underqualified and understaffed. I needed to find the best solution for her and that came in the shape of the care home where she has lIved for 2 years. There the staff slowly gained her trust so that she became accepting of personal care. Her contact dermatitis cleared up with the easing of repetitive behaviour that had dogged her for 18 months. She is now clean, properly looked after and as content as I have seen her in a long time. We have got back a little of our relationship as husband and wife which was lost when I became her sole carer.
Taking the care home decision was hard but was the best thing I could have done for her.
I understand your desire to keep looking after your husband at home. I hope that my story might help you when (almost inevitably) you get beyond your ability to cope.
Thank you Northumbrian_k, I know there will come a time when that decision has to be made. His consultant has already said that if she thinks what I am doing is not the best for him then she will tell me. If I could only get my heart and my head to align then that would make life much easier. We'll get there one way or another. Thanks again.
