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personal care by family members

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by patchworkamber, Feb 12, 2015.

  1. patchworkamber

    patchworkamber Registered User

    Jan 6, 2014
    45
    south east wales
    My adult daughter is keen to sit with her dad now for me to have a break for an hour. However he needs assistance to use urine bottle, quite often. I dont know how best to broach it with daughter as I dont want her to feel obligated, but unless she is prepared to overcome her own issues with it, husband wont be bothered, then I cant really leave him with her. That of course will make her feel guilty... any thoughts much appreciated.
     
  2. malc

    malc Registered User

    you need to ask her how she feels about it,you might be surprised,if not can't you use a pad for the times she sits with her dad.
     
  3. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    If it is only for an hour, then, as others have suggested, a pad could well suffice. Also, though you say that your husband wouldn't be bothered, that could well be because it hasn't happened yet. They could both find it a difficult situation.

    Why not take her up on her kind offer, but ensure that you do the necessary, prior to leaving him, and then put a pad, or pants on him, when you go out. If things continue well, but you feel you do want to introduce the bottle scenario, why not ask, a few weeks down the line, if she wants to see what you have to do?
     
  4. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #4 lin1, Feb 12, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2015
    Hi.
    You could start off by saying you are concerned that dad may need the loo while you are out and that he needs to be helped to use the urine bottle . It may be that she will have a problem doing this, which is understandable
    I know these sort of chats with young family members even if they are adult can be embarrassing . Bite the bullet and you may be pleasantly supprised.
     
  5. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    If pads are not the solution, then I'm sure the fact that you can reassure her that her dad won't be embarrassed will help. Your calm and practical attitude while you explain the signs of his needing the bottle will also help.

    He probably helped her with intimate care when she was little, so she will just be returning the loving care.

    Hope all goes well and that you enjoy your little breaks.
     
  6. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Hope you solve your problem, preferably with pads or pants. Your daughter, hopefully, may be up for the bottle but I know mine made it very clear that she couldn't bear to help with her father's personal care. She can't help it. If you had asked me when I was younger I would probably have been horrified too,

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  7. 2197alexandra

    2197alexandra Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    355
    Sileby
    Let her know exactly what may happen you may be surprised that she may not be as worried about it as you. Us daughters can reach really deep when we have to. For the last six months of dad's life his personal care got really personal. I had to do everything it's the one thing I was scared I wouldn't be able to do. I mean touching my dad's winky is not something I ever imagined having to do in my life time. even when I had to learn how to put a conveen on for him daily I so was amazed that I overt come the uncomfortable situation. My daddy needed help ands I was the one who needed to get on and do it.
     
  8. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    4,353
    Kent
    Agree 2197alexandra - I never imagined having to do the same but his needs outweighed any discomfort I felt and once you have got over the initial time, you just accept and get used to it. The dementia eventually takes fathers/mothers past the point of mostly knowing it is a daughter/son helping. I was thrown into the situation suddenly probably like most family carers so didn't have time to make a choice about helping dad, but I would do exactly the same again without question. Equally my sister cannot deal with anything from the neck downwards and I totally accept that and that isn't a problem for me. Everyone is different.
     
  9. patchworkamber

    patchworkamber Registered User

    Jan 6, 2014
    45
    south east wales
    thank you for all Those responses. I have spoken to daughter and she is not unduly phased after all and told me that she had already seen her dad's winky by accident when she was younger! Will leave her to it tomorrow for an hour but will time it when OH is having his morning nap. Cant wait to get out of the house to do some retail therapy!
     
  10. 2197alexandra

    2197alexandra Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    355
    Sileby
    Enjoy your little shopping trip. I'm so pleased for you x
     
  11. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    #11 truth24, Feb 14, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2015
    Glad to hear your news. This will make so much difference for you.

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     
  12. Cathy*

    Cathy* Registered User

    Jan 4, 2015
    42
    Warwickshire
    Could you try leaving your husband with a convene sheath for the time you're away? Mum used to use these with my dad when she took him out. I think personal care for parents is something you either can or can't do regardless of gender.
     
  13. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    I would just leave them to get on with it and sort things out between them - I am sure they will cope one way or the other. You enjoy your retail therapy and time off and don't worry! WIFE
     
  14. patchworkamber

    patchworkamber Registered User

    Jan 6, 2014
    45
    south east wales
    Thanks all, and enjoyed my shopping trip. In fact OH has solved the problem by utilising the kitchen sink! (Stairs to bathroom a bit too much to manage at present when time is of the essence.) I just have to make sure to keep the washing up bowl on the draining board not in the sink!
     
  15. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Better than the carpet

    Sent from my GT-N5110
     

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