Perfect Daughter came yesterday !

[Pepper&Spice]

My "perfect" sister came yesterday and mum,as usual, more poured out all her criticisms of me and how unhappy she is. Just can't win, she comes for 1/2 an hour so can't possibly do anything for mum but quite happy to listen to all mum's moans. Yet again this morning I got up at six to get mum up so she has a wee, striped most of the bedding cos it was wet & put it on to wash, changed mum & got her tea & pills, remade bed, all before the carer came because they won't start before 7.30 am and I can't leave mum all wet til they come. Carer commented to mum how good I was and mum's comment was that my sisters wouldn't agree - thanks mum. Afraid I snapped when getting her dressed and said the "perfect" daughter wasn't here today and she would have to put up with me instead !
"She's" said she wants mum at theirs Christmas Day - is it so wrong of me to hope she plays them up and refuses food ( which my sister says is just a matter of eating with her & encouraging) tells them that she doesn't like what she always liked and says "yes" to everything and then does the exact opposite ? Is it wrong to hope that they have a wet chair and have to spend ages looking for the thing that mum has lost ( which was never with her in the first place) ? Don't get me wrong I would like mum to have a nice day, even if she won't have any idea what the day is but I do, so desperately, want them to have a taster of my daily life. Have given up on sympathy or help but really really could do without the criticism and superior attitude.
Sorry for moan it just gets me down when things aren't going well and then I have to deal with Mum's mood after her visit - it stirs her up too much "thankfully" it's only once every few months and never when I'm home - I don't think the blood pressure could stand it !

 

[halojones]

Hello pepper an spice, Don't apologise for the moan, you can complain all day!! I know all about unhelpful siblings who want everything their own way...I don't have my mum praising them though, crikey, if I did I think I would blow a fuse with anger! And yes, I too would wish just the worst day on them all, I would be so happy if they got the wet seat, difficult behaviour, the whole damn lot !!Does your selfish sister really know what you do for your mum? The trouble is, until you are truly in the caring role, its hard for others to know what you have to really do, day in and day out..Keep a diary/journal and give it to your sister?let her know..If she is one of those that doesn't want to know or does not cares then what can you do? ..Unfortunately some invisibles are just quite happy to leave us to it..Look after yourself, put yourself first..Lots of sympathy to you, you deserve a medal..Take Care x

 

[Tin]

Know those feelings only too well, the perfect son. But to be fair he understands how hard my carer role is. The thing is he gets the credit for everything I do/organise and whenever something goes wrong for mum like the odd bad day, illness or toilet accident, the first thing she says is don't tell him. I think she genuinely believes that if he doesn't know all of this, she will be able to go and live with him.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Complete sympathy from me. Even if Mum does come up with the worst of challenges, she herself will be unlikely to remember for long, so it shouldn't spoil her day. Can you find a reason to extend the visit through Boxing Day as well, so that perfect sister can enjoy a second easy day of eating with Mum and just encouraging her....? And drying out wet chairs.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

Complete sympathy from me. Even if Mum does come up with the worst of challenges, she herself will be unlikely to remember for long, so it shouldn't spoil her day. Can you find a reason to extend the visit through Boxing Day as well, so that perfect sister can enjoy a second easy day of eating with Mum and just encouraging her....? And drying out wet chairs.

Thanks Rageddy you made me smile Think they will try and make the visit as short as possible but it would be lovely to find that reason

 

[blandford516]

Hi Pepper ,

Yep think we all understand where you are coming from . Just keep doing what you are doing ,looking after your mum . At the end of the day you must always remember that you always did your best and what was right for your mum . So you can hold your head up high . The others well they are just trying to ease their guilt and as I always say what comes around goes around . Just carry on caring doing your absolute best for your mum .The rest will fall into place I'm sure . Take care x

 

[Linbrusco]

While Mum does thank me for what I do for her, and her & Dad, my brother who is the youngest can do no wrong and Mum feels sorry for him.
He stays at Mum & Dads now and again when hes on shift work as they live closer, but does absolutely nothing for them. Hasn't taken them out once in the last 5 yrs, let lone for a coffee.
He is a chef, and I am the one preparing ready made meals for Mums freezer, when Mum doesn't want to eat what Dads cooking.
He is the one also that took financial advantage of Mums soft nature and alzheimers.
When she starts going on about the hard life he is having and poor him ( divorced with 3 kids) blah blah, I purposely remind her how he ripped her off. Doesn't serve much purpose as she forgets but it makes me feel better for a few minutes

No , not wrong of you to hope your Mum is on her usual form for your sister

 

[lizzybean]

If I was you I would thank PS for having Mum for Christmas day & night & ask her what time she is bringing Mum home on boxing day! Explaining to her how generous she's being & how relieved you are to be getting a much needed break!

 

[RedLou]

I'd be tempted to ask PS to take her for the entire Christmas holidays. You realise she has criticisms of the way you care for Mum and you need time to think about what you're doing right and wrong...
If Mum comes back saying what a good time she had, well - tell Mum you're delighted and will ask PS to take her more often. Tell PS she's a genius and Mum wants more time with her. This could be a win-win for you, girl.

 

[Onlyme]

I'd be tempted to ask PS to take her for the entire Christmas holidays. You realise she has criticisms of the way you care for Mum and you need time to think about what you're doing right and wrong...
If Mum comes back saying what a good time she had, well - tell Mum you're delighted and will ask PS to take her more often. Tell PS she's a genius and Mum wants more time with her. This could be a win-win for you, girl.

Make sure that is the old holidays - all 12 days of them!

I love the idea of telling sister that you will learn from her vast knowledge. She will be ringing you at 5 am to try to get Mum back to you.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

Love the idea of my sister having mum longer but know her husband will definitely put his foot down as he's the one that "has" to sit outside when my sister visits mum in respite because he doesn't like care homes or hospitals ( who does?) Unfortunately there will be no where for her to sleep ( not that I think that would Ever be an option ) and the bathroom is up some narrow stairs ( it's wider at home & a rail either side tho still upstairs).
My sister cleans in a care home so thinks she knows everything already about Dementia - tho as we all know it's a bit different living with it day in & out !
Thank you all for your support and wonderful comments - maybe Christmas won't be so bad after all

 

[Tin]

That's the thing, I know my mum would love to spend Christmas with her son and I know he and wife would take her, but our first problem is that it's too long a journey and then there home is very modern with lots of wide open stairs to climb, guest room does have bathroom attached, Can't use it unless she is guided. so someone would have to sleep with her, that plus all her night time wandering and oh all those steps, and to top it all, she will come back to me very confused and maybe angry because she is no longer with her son!!!! So all in all just not worth it and none of the family could stay with us, just too small and I would probably have a nervous breakdown with it all. So quiet one for mum and I!!!

 

[Witzend]

I didn't feel a bit bad about feeling highly satisfied when a relative found out the hard way. It was an aunt of OH's who had castigated me for being selfish and uncaring when we finally put FIL (her brother) in a CH. At her insistence we found one near her home on the S Coast, and as it happened the perfect one was just across the road from her flat.

He took to going over every day at teatime, and the next thing you know, she was on the phone wailing, 'He's driving me mad! I can't cope! He won't let me watch Countdown!' etc. And I didn't feel remotely bad about saying, 'Well, now maybe you realise what it was like for me, ALL day, every day.'

I hope your perfect sister finds out the hard way, and if so please don't feel even a teensy bit bad about it!