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Penny Finally Dropped

Ernest

Registered User
Jan 23, 2018
111
Before lock down, I visited my husband in his CH every other day for the past two years he's been there. I thought I was doing the right thing. As I've posted before, I've been so wrong as he hasn't been bothered much at all. In fact, I was probably making things worse by constantly reminding him of his "other" life, which he couldn't really remember but had an idea of. I now visit him by appointment, once a week. The title "The Penny has Dropped" refers to my seeing that it really doesn't make a lot of difference to him when I visit or if. This is the thing which is so hard. I need to go to make sure he's ok. It's not that I don't trust the CH, they are excellent. It's my mindset. I've cared for him, thought for him for over 10 years so I'm finding it really hard to hand over that care. I keep thinking ," I wonder if he needs some more shower gel, I wonder if the TV remote is ok, are his glasses ok etc etc" Of course they check but I need to also! Does this stop ? He's on my mind all the time. Friends keep telling me I need to get my life back but how can I ? It's so stupid of me. When I visit I struggle to find a subject to talk about. I can't mention home as that starts him off about when is he coming home. I try trivial things like how dreadful the explosion in Lebonon and he says "so what's that got to do with us!" So I try something else and he says "that's boring" so I say nothing and he says "so just don't sit there saying nothing with that look on your face" !! I can't win. I get over it and move on but it's hard. It's our 29th wedding anniversary soon. Do I bother to send a card or will that stir up memories. Should I just ignore it as he won't remember? Last year I took in a glass of wine but I'm not allowed to this year. I'll more than likely send a card because I'll feel better. When I see him later in the week as I'm working on the actual anniversary day I'm not expecting him to mention it, but I do hope he does in a way !!
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
78
Portsmouth, South Coast
@Ernest - you say the CH are excellent so perhaps there's someone there you could confide in and explain to them exactly what you said in your post. If you can find a little more happiness in yourself then it may rub off on your husband as you'll be more relaxed. Of course, I could be talking a load of geriatric shoe-repairers but it's worth a try.
 
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Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
45
Hi @Ernest , firstly I have no experience of a loved one being in a care home but I really felt for you when reading your post. I know at the moment with Covid that visiting is restricted etc but maybe in time joining your husband in an activity in the CH would take a bit of pressure off the ' conversation' . Take care.
 

Ernest

Registered User
Jan 23, 2018
111
Thank you , AbbyGee & Pepp3r for you advice which I take on board. Having written all that I felt much better! Take care & thanks again.