Partner's parent has dementia

[chris111]

Hi everyone,
Sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place but I am new here. My boyfriend's mother is starting to lose her memory. She has no official diagnosis but it is clear for those close to her what is happening. My question is due to this isolation I am unable to physically be there for him but is there any advice you could offer me to help him in any way. What are the right things to say in that sort of situation or what should I be doing to support or help. Thanks

 

[canary]

Hello @chris111 and welcome to DTP.

Without knowing what is happening it is difficult to give specific advice, so I will have to give generalities. This is the stage to make sure that legal stuff is sorted - if she hasnt already done so, try and get her to sort out POA for her son and her will. Its the sort of thing to easily put off, until you suddenly discover that its too late. You dont have to go through a solicitor, you can download the forms and do it DIY.

Getting a diagnosis is helpful in opening doors for help, but it can be difficult to get people with dementia to go to the doctor. It would be helpful for your boyfriend to keep a diary of all the odd things that she does, so that they can be referred to later. Once this pandemic is over see if you an get your boyfriends mum to go to the doctor. If not, get your boyfriend to speak to the doctor anyway, so that he knows what is happening. Some GPs are willing to send out an appointment disguised as a "well woman" check up

Finally, your boyfriend might find this link helpful in knowing how to communicate with his mum

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[lemonbalm]

No apology required! You are off to a good start by seeking help on here. As you are a step away from the situation, it may be easier for you to ask advice and find out information than it is for your boyfriend. Canary has already given some excellent advice. Don't hesitate to come back for more. Lots of experience here.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @chris111 and welcome from me too. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area after the current crisis if a diagnosis is given . If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[chris111]

Thank you for all of your replies I will take all of your advice. Thanks

 

[silkiest]

Hi @chris111 ,
there are a lot of other medical problems that can cause symptoms similar to dementia that can be treated such as anaemia, uncontrolled diabetes and hypothyroidism. Sometimes it helps family and the person they are concerned about to know that there could be a medical issue that can be dealt with as it can encourage them to see a GP. Part of the initial screening process for dementia is blood tests for these medical problems and a heart check. If there are medical problems then they will be treated and only if all the problem persists or if tests are negative will the doctor refer for a brain scan and memory clinic. Good luck